Wednesday, December 08, 2010

'Don't touch my junk' cries grow louder

"Hey, slow down, Bub. We just met."

DALLAS (AP) -- A new rallying cry has shaken the dog show circuit to its core, as canine participants are rebelling against entrenched judging practices. That rallying cry? "Don't touch my junk!"

Canines in at least a dozen shows over the last three weeks have barked their disapproval over what they viewed as invasive pat-downs by judges. Many of the dogs filmed their tirades and posted them on YouTube, and sympathetic bloggers have taken up their cause. 

The movement began in late November, when a bulldog named Max at a Chicago-area dog show growled at his handler and a judge and barked, "If you touch my junk, I'll have you arrested!" The bulldog captured the incident on his mobile phone, and the video has gone viral

Dog show organizers say the pat-downs are necessary to adequately judge contestants and ensure they are of good breeding stock. And some handlers say they need to get hands-on to put their dogs in the best position to win. But the American Civil Liberties Union has called the inspections "an assault on our dogs' Fourth Amendment rights, or at the very least, an assault on good taste." 

One organizer of the prestigious Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that a controversial canine imam has been stoking the flames.

"Ayatollah Mugsy, this radical pug based in the U.S., is directly responsible for the outrage," the source said. "He's directing all this anger from behind the scenes. His sermons are extremely influential in the canine community."

Officials with the ayatollah's Pug Life Ministries declined interview requests, but they issued a prepared statement asserting canines' right to the "sanctity of our junk."

Monday, November 29, 2010

Surely Allah can't be serious

We at Pug Life Ministries mourn the loss of Leslie Nielsen, an honorary pug and one of the finest actors of our time. 

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Torture allegations surface

WASHINGTON (AP) -- International rights groups on Tuesday condemned Pug Life Ministries for engaging in an interrogation procedure that they called torture. 

Ayatollah Mugsy, the spiritual leader of Pug Life Ministries, announced his intentions late Monday to "slobberboard" a chew toySlobberboarding is a technique in which a person or chew toy is immobilized before having his or her face covered in slobber in a manner that simulates drowning. The technique is typically carried out by bulldogs, mastiffs and other drool-prone dog breeds. In Monday's case, however, the ayatollah said he planned to carry out the slobberboarding himself. 

Officials at the ministry did not return calls seeking comment. 

Slobberboarding has been a source of controversy since 2005, when then-Vice President Dick Cheney personally slobberboarded a suspected al-Qaeda terrorist at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Cheney insisted that slobberboarding was a benign, albeit somewhat unsanitary, form of interrogation and not a torture method. The American Civil Liberties Union filed a lawsuit on behalf of the prisoner, though a federal court has yet to rule in the case. The American Chewtoy Liberties Union said it was contemplating taking action in the latest case. 

In Washington, a spokesman for President Barack Obama declined to discuss the Pug Life controversy or to answer media questions about whether the United States still engages in slobberboarding. Vice President Joe Biden was believed to be crafting an embarrassing response. 

The hunt for justice

The ministry has recently found itself attacked by "phishermen," criminals who were angling to break into my Facebook account. This forced me to change my password and raise the ministry's collective hackles to DEFCON 3. The incident is reminiscent of the time when another infidel sought to take over the ministry's accounts. Needless to say, it did not end well for him.

The Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) has been out rounding up suspects, and I personally have taken on the task of interrogating an infidel chew toy. He hasn't talked yet, bound by the code of chew-toy Omerta. But I'm expecting his squeaker to loosen up a little when I move on to the next step: slobberboarding.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Mugsy's rules for trick-or-treaters

Hello, boys and ghouls of the congregation. Today is Halloween, and I have prepared a ridiculously large bowl of candy for the trick-or-treaters. This is important, not so much because we need ample candy for the neighborhood children, but because we want to have leftovers to enjoy ourselves. In order to promote an orderly trick-or-treating experience, I am publishing the following ground rules:
  1. The typical trick-or-treater may take two pieces of candy.
  2. The really cutes ones may take three or four. (Life is not fair, my flock.)
  3. The trick-or-treaters with facial hair, no costumes and deeper voices than father may choose their treat from a specially prepared separate bowl filled with aging packets of Parmesan cheese and crushed red pepper from Domino's Pizza. (Refer to Section 2 of Item No. 2 above.)
  4. Those who are afraid of two costumed, barking dogs may go home empty-handed. But the bone-chilling scare is on us. 
UPDATE: I have found two packets of Arby's Sauce and added them to the bowl for Category 3 above. None may question my generosity. 

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A curly tail and uncommon valor

The Pug Life Medal of Valor is a prize reserved for only the bravest and most heroic among us. Only those who save a life, donate large sums of money to the ministry, or are able to board a plane alongside people in Muslim garb without the slightest hint of nervousness are even considered. And of those, only a select few are deemed worthy of the medal, the highest honor that the ministry bestows to non-family members. (The ministry has no rules against nepotism, as evidenced by my brother Wendell's recent Scholar of the Year award.)

Today, my flock, I am proud to introduce to you a canine who has passed all the tests, proving himself worthy of our respect and admiration. Today, I present the Medal of Valor to the esteemed Kook the Pug. Kook's tale of heroism began in the wee hours of the morning in Denver, Colo. As an apartment fire raged, fed by the mile-high air, the complex's residents slept. All except young Kook. The 8-month-old knew something was terribly wrong. And confined as he was in his cage, he did the only thing he could do: He raised a ruckus. The pug sounded the alarm and rattled his cage until, at around 4 a.m., his human took notice and awoke from his slumber to find the north side of the building engulfed in flames. Illustrating a fundamental difference between humans and dogs, Kook's caretaker said his first reaction was to ensure the safety of a $500 bonus check in his apartment. Once that task was taken care of, he went to warn his neighbors. 

Because of Kook's heroism, nobody was injured in the blaze. The fire was contained within one unit of the building, where the owner was away on vacation, and the complex's other residents were able to safely return to their homes. 

"Kook is a real hero, as far as I'm concerned," said caretaker Patrick Vigil. I agree. Now why not go spend part of that bonus check on a big stick of rawhide for the pup?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

A disturbing development

Upon further inspection, my flock, the situation is worse than I'd initially thought. The nomads are using young children as "human shields." The youths appear to be confined in the castle and are jumping about feverishly in a futile effort to escape. What savagery the enemy displays! This may put a damper on my plan to have father fire up the Hemi and burst through the nomads' traffic barriers in an attempt to break the bridge blockade. A subtler solution may be required.

Territorial challenge

My flock, it appears that I face a challenge for neighborhood supremacy. A band of nomads have, seemingly overnight, erected a castle in the center of Hillcrest Estates. Even worse, the nomads built their fortress on a strategic bridge that provides the easiest route from the ayatollah compound to PetSmart, the dog park and other key locations. They have placed cones at both ends of the bridge to bar all vehicular traffic. This is a clear act of defiance; for I have made numerous territorial claims on this bridge over the last seven years. Wendell and I are preparing to go in for a closer look. God willing, these interlopers will be cast out.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Grand Opening/Going Out of Business sale

Can it be true?!? Am I offering 15 percent off my already low, low prices?! I must be INSAAAAANE!!! Yes, I'm Crazy Muggy, with a deal too good to be true!! For two days only, enter promo code FAVES at the Pug Life Ministries Gift Shop, and you could get a moderate discount!! Bad credit? NO PROBLEM! No shoes, no shirt? NO PROBLEM! I'm stacking them deep and selling them cheap! I've got T-shirts, stationery, magnets, mugs, classic harem-wear thong underwear with my face on it -- I must be LOSING MY MIND! So don't delay; visit Crazy Muggy's store today, where the prices are INSAAAANE!!!!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The sights of Pug-O-Ween

This year's Pug-O-Ween was a feast for the eyes (and I love a feast). Nearly 500 dogs turned out, many dressed in creative and colorful costumes. The collage above features a small sampling, with such winners as the headless pug queen, the Coney Island hot dog-eating contestants and Marvin the Martian, plus a look at Wendell and me relaxing without our helmets. 

What you will NOT see in the collage or elsewhere on this blog is any reference to Wendell's entry in the event's first-ever pug races, nor any mention of the fact that he has still yet to cross the finish line. No, we shall not speak of that ...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Big decision

After much careful consideration, I have decided to lift the Armed Revolutionary Forces' (ARF) controversial "don't ask, don't smell" policy. Given canines' natural greeting tendencies, it had become too difficult to enforce. The change takes effect immediately, so feel free to sniff away, troops. 

Monday, October 18, 2010

Pug-O-Ween prize

I have returned from my nearly two-week western road trip, during which I attended a canine suffrage conference in Taos, exhibited my artwork at a show in Santa Fe and climbed the tallest sand dune in North America in southern Colorado. But my crowning achievement would come upon my arrival back in North Texas. For before I even set foot in the compound, I made a pilgrimage to Grapevine for the 14th annual Pug-O-Ween. This highest of pug holy days had been marked on my calendar since 2008, because I am just that detail-oriented. (One does not attain the lofty rank of ayatollah without careful planning. I even know what I'll be eating for breakfast three months and six days from today: Iams Weight Management Dog Food. Can you say the same about your breakfast? I didn't think so. Slacker.) 

But not only did I make an appearance at Pug-O-Ween, my flock -- I finally won the ribbon that has eluded me lo these many years. Wendell and I placed third in the grueling Ghoulish Groups category! Allahu akbar! The previous two years, we had been denied a prize, despite mother's visionary innovation of the gnome pug beard in 2008 and father's somewhat less visionary but still visually stunning innovation of the yellow highlighter-colored Viking pug beard in 2009. Both years, we thought we had a chance. But both years, we were denied by a panel of Communist bloc judges who, for whatever reason, felt that "bribery" was somehow wrong. 

Because of these past defeats, we entered 2010 with limited expectations. We knew we would sniff some friends, old and new, and spread the word of Pug Life Ministries, and this was enough for us. So the ribbon was icing on the cake, as the humans like to say. Or, as I call it, Parmesan on the kibble. We were honored to take home a prize at the biggest Pug-O-Ween ever, which attracted nearly 500 pugs (and several other breeds, including my good schnauzer friend Sarge) for the worthy cause of raising money for DFW Pug Rescue

"So what were the costumes?" you must be asking, about to pass out from the sheer suspense. We were warriors from ancient Rome! 

"Carpe Milkbone!"

"He who is brave is free. And hungry."

"Begone from my sidewalk, Thracian scum! 
I will see you die in the arena!"

"I have led legions of pugs and conquered the whole
of Europe. And now I demand payment -- in rawhide!"

I won't lie, my flock. The power that I feel when I don this costume is immense and, as you may have noticed from the progression of the photo captions above, intoxicating. Yesterday evening, shortly after this photo shoot, Wendell and I enslaved several of the neighbors and forced them to battle in our makeshift driveway colosseum for sport. It wasn't until the elderly Jim pulled a hamstring that I realized I might be getting a tad overzealous. Of course, that doesn't mean I'll cancel tonight's bout. But I will definitely find some younger combatants. The grade-schoolers down the street seem flexible enough. 

"Ah, the spoils of victory."

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Mugsy issues interactive fatwa

In 2008, the world financial system nearly suffered a meltdown, tugged to the brink of destruction in large part by the bad decisions of inept mortgage bankers. As my ongoing refinance shows, such incompetence is still alive and well. What began in late August as an attempt to take advantage of the lowest interest rates since the 1950s -- and thereby save some money while paying off the compound earlier -- has evolved into an exercise in idiocy. The sins of the bankers are many, but among the most egregious are these:
"I think I'll just toss those
mortgage papers into the
fire and play another game
of Solitaire."
  • After we painstakingly filled out every section of the application, the loan officer butchered it. Among other things, he switched our race from "I do not wish to answer" to "non-Hispanic white," despite having never seen us in person. My flock, have you seen Wendell? This is most offensive. He also omitted all the ministry's assets that we had listed except for our checking account funds -- no stocks, no mutual funds, no retirement accounts, no vehicles -- just the cash in our account. And he altered father's employment history in such a way that we would later receive a call from the bank asking why the results of its employment check didn't match what was on the application.
  • For long periods of time, the mortgage lenders appeared to completely forget about our application, even though we'd agreed to close on the loan by the end of September. Only when I e-mailed them did they lurch back into action. At one point, I asked about the appraisal, convinced that things were taking far too long. When the loan officer replied, he said that the appraisal had been ordered a week before. Within 15 minutes, the appraiser called to schedule an appointment. I'm convinced that had I not asked, I would still be waiting.
  • The mortgage company contacted our insurer and had our policy changed to name it as the titleholder several weeks ago -- even though we were nowhere near closing on the loan.
  • The deadline of our 30-day interest rate lock came and went without any response to my e-mails. Then, finally, a loan processor called to say that we'd been approved and that we could close the following Thursday. The only problem: Since they'd taken so long, their preferred close date conflicted with a planned vacation. I explained this and asked if there was a way we could work around our trip. The woman said she'd call back later that day. She never did.
  • Fast-forward three days later: The same woman calls. "You're approved for the refi," she says. "How does Thursday sound for the closing?" "ARE YOU KIDDING ME, INFIDEL!?! I WILL SMASH YOUR FACE INTO A JELLY!!!" I thought as I calmly explained to her that I was going to be out of town that day. And that I'd told her the exact same thing three days earlier. 
  • Later in the day, I received an e-mail from Infidel No. 1. "Yes, we can extend your rate lock until you get back. We've absorbed part of the cost, but there will be an additional $155 fee. How would you like to pay that?"
I was flabbergasted. I was outraged. I was livid. And yes, my flock, I was in a fatwa-issuing rage. The infidels have left me no choice! God willing, they will know justice! They will be punished! And they will pitch in their own $155 for the privilege of collecting thousands of dollars of interest from me over the next 15 years, or they will pay the consequences!!! 

This is where you come in, my flock. For this is no ordinary affront. This whole ordeal has touched a nerve, like the kind that makes a dog's legs kick uncontrollably when the humans find that spot near his armpit. (Or legpit. Whatever the correct anatomical term is. In my current fiery rage, I cannot be bothered to look it up.) This crime against the ministry demands the attention of the full congregation. That is right, my furry and not-so-furry disciples: You must choose the punishment!

I have posted a poll at the side of the page. Please take the time to do your part and vote. The will of the congregation will be the law.  Justice demands it. Vengeance demands it. Your ayatollah demands it. 

Saturday, October 02, 2010

OU 28, Texas 20

Today was a good day. 

Wendell agrees.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Mugsy appears on Comedy Central Roast

LOS ANGELES (Variety) -- In perhaps the most bizarre scene on a TV series known for its bizarre moments, Wednesday's Comedy Central Roast of Ayatollah Mugsy became the first such event in which no insults were hurled at the show's guest of honor.

Instead, a host of comedians praised the radical canine cleric for his service to the community and his boundless wisdom. Guinness World Records reported that the broadcast set the record for most uses in an hour of the phrase "that's a good boy!"

Andrew "Dice" Clay started the evening off by offering a rare profanity-free set and then bowing before the pug as he asked if he could shake his hand. The imam held out until Clay fished around in his pocket and found a Snausage to offer. 

Prop comic Carrot Top brought a large chest full of toys and presented them as offerings to the ayatollah, whom he called his "spiritual leader and guiding light." Mugsy nodded graciously and accepted the gifts, which were believed to be bound for his younger brother Wendell. 

Midway through the show, it appeared that comedian Jim Norton would be the first to break the insult barrier. "You know how ugly the ayatollah is?" he asked, before appearing to glance at Mugsy's personal security detail, which included a dozen heavily armed bulldogs. "The ayatollah is ... aw, who am I kidding. This little guy is adorable -- I just want to pat his soft little head!"

Other highlights included Sarah Silverman begging for entrance into the cleric's harem, Craig Robinson performing an original musical composition in honor of Mugsy's appearance and Gilbert Gottfried rubbing the ayatollah's belly for the duration of his four-minute set.


This post is dedicated to comedian Greg Giraldo, who died Wednesday at age 44.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Mugsy recovers from surgery

Greetings, my flock. I come to you this weekend with a new line of stitches to affirm my legendary toughness. I went under the knife on Monday to have a tumor removed from my leg. The incision was near my knee, giving rise to concerns that my mobility might be affected. But as my recent leap onto father's lap in my favorite recliner shows, I am as resilient as ever. I am fully recovered from surgery, and I look forward to many more years leading the ministry. 

I want to thank my little brother Wendell for filling in as interim ayatollah on Monday. He showed remarkable acumen for such a young pup, putting down an attempted chew toy rebellion and leveraging the ministry's nuclear program to extort biscuits from the international community as if he were an old pro. I see a bright future for young Wendell, my flock. A bright future, indeed. Who knows -- he may even follow me into the clergy full-time. 

With all that said, there is one issue that concerns me greatly. While I was under the influence of anesthesia and dreaming about rawhide angels on Monday, the veterinarian cleaned my teeth. She found one that was loose and pulled it. But I have not received that tooth, my flock. It has vanished, leaving me no opportunity to summon the Tooth Fairy for a lopsided financial transaction. I scoured eBay, half-expecting to find it listed for a six-figure sum by an unscrupulous veterinary assistant. But there was no trace of my tooth. Now I am beginning to suspect that mother took it in the hopes of meeting her favorite silver-screen heartthrob. 

Would mother betray her eldest son for the chance to meet
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? And does she realize that
he is an actor and merely played the Tooth Fairy in a movie?

Monday, September 20, 2010

Wendell named interim ayatollah

I have placed Wendell in charge of the ministry for the day. If he asks you for a Milkbone, it would be prudent to comply. 

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Florida pastor seeks meeting with Mugsy

GAINESVILLE, Fla. (AP) -- The Rev. Terry Jones revealed the end game of his week-long drama late Friday when he said that his congregation would not burn copies of the Quran if he could get a free vacation and meet with enigmatic canine Muslim leader Ayatollah Mugsy.

Members of Jones' Dove World Outreach Center said the pastor simply wanted to pet the ayatollah's soft fur, as well as that of his younger brother Wendell. Congregants said Jones had not been allowed to have a dog growing up. 

"Actually, this explains a lot," said Gainesville psychiatrist Gloria Redd. 

In Washington, President Barack Obama scheduled a special news conference so that he could audibly breathe a sigh of relief. It was Obama's sixth time addressing the threatened Quran burning in the last five days. Aides said the White House would now consider addressing the nation's high unemployment rate. 

Jones boarded an airplane to Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport late Friday in the hopes of meeting Ayatollah Mugsy at his Dallas-area compound. But officials with the ayatollah's Pug Life Ministries hinted that the pug had no interest in meeting with Jones and, in fact, would rather welcome a circus of fleas to his hackles. 

"We don't even open the front door when those bicycle-riding, book-toting gentlemen in the nice clothing knock," said one top chew toy aide, who quacked on the condition of anonymity. "We're certainly not going to welcome an ill-mannered boor with a silly mustache into the house."

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Mugsy addresses planned Quran-burning

The pastor of a Florida church says his congregation plans to go through with its plan to burn Qurans on Sept. 11 despite the objections of Gen. David Petraeus, who warned that the action could endanger American troops.

Terry Jones, pastor of Dove World Outreach Church in Gainesville, says he wants to send a message to radical Muslims that America won't be controlled "by their fears and threats." Instead, he prefers to let his own fears and threats light the way. Jones says he is taking the general's warning seriously and understands that his actions could provoke violent opposition in Iraq and Afghanistan. But, apparently, a good book-burning is just too much fun to pass up. As an ayatollah who has gotten years of mileage (and toasty winter fireplaces) out of The Satanic Verses, I can sympathize. 

Oh, how angry I would be if
you purchased and burned
thousands of my bumper stickers
as well!
But the Nobel Peace Prize aspirant in me tells me there has got to be a better way. So I come before you today to offer a compromise solution. Mr. Jones, do not burn the holy Qurans. Instead, show your hatred of Muslims by burning posters of yours truly. Surely the image of my stern visage, my paw-printed turban and my Dogloo mosque will stir the pyromaniac fury of your congregation. Just imagine the sight of tens of thousands of Ayatollah Mugsy posters, crackling and blackening and curling, ashes tossed to the wind as your congregation roars its approval. And if you order today and choose premium shipping, they can all be at your church's doorstep by Sept. 11, in deluxe flammable packaging. Visit my online gift shop to take advantage of this special offer. 

Monday, August 30, 2010

A league of our own

I am considering starting the first-ever Pug Life Ministries Fantasy Football League, with a prize from the ministry's gift shop going to the second-place finisher. (It would not be sporting of me to award a prize to my own team.) If you're interested in taking part, e-mail me or send me a message on Facebook

Monday, August 23, 2010

Mugsy visits Yellowstone

"The park seems so empty now that the ayatollah is gone," said one bison.

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK (AP) -- Three-thousand bison rallied Monday in the world's oldest national park, vowing to remember the lessons handed down to them by their spiritual leader Ayatollah Mugsy. 

The pug wrapped up his visit to Yellowstone and Grand Teton national parks late Sunday, returning to his Texas compound. He had announced his last-minute vacation plans only nine days earlier, declaring on a nationally televised broadcast dubbed "The Decision" and on his Facebook page that he would be "taking my talents to Yellowstone."

Over the course of a 3,500-mile road trip, the enigmatic canine cleric met with numerous bison, elk, deer, antelope, otter, wolf, coyote and bear followers. Officials with the ayatollah's Pug Life Ministries said that the journey was especially important because the park lacks Wi-Fi, leaving its animals unable to keep up with Mugsy's teachings online. 

Members of a bison family share a solemn moment of reflection.
As one bison sounded the call to prayer early Monday on a misty meadow, several of his cohorts blocked traffic to ensure that no humans interfered with the herd's solemn commemoration of the ayatollah's visit. They vowed to repeat the ceremony daily. The Old Faithful geyser was lowered to half-staff for the day to mark the pug's departure. 

Meanwhile, in nearby Jackson, Wyo., movie star Harrison Ford confirmed to the website that he had been granted an audience late last week with the ayatollah, whom he called "my spiritual guide and mentor." He said he had met with the religious icon and his younger brother Wendell at a popular pizza joint on Thursday. 

Mugsy's dinner was reportedly dictated by a divine sign.
"His Excellency said he saw a sign at Yellowstone that provided divine guidance as far as where we should eat," said Ford, 68. "I don't question the ayatollah; I was just honored to be in his presence. Calista [Flockhart, Ford's new wife] would have joined us, but she never eats on days that start with a 'T' or an 'S.'"

The eyes have it

Today, my flock, I had the most enormous glob of gunk covering my eye that the world has ever seen. God willing, it will fetch big bucks on eBay.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I plead the Fifth ...

SANTA FE, N.M. (Bloomberg News) -- Academy Award-winning actor Gene Hackman has gone missing, and police believe he may have been abducted by a Texas-based religious cult as part of an escalating feud with Lowe's Companies Inc. Hackman has done voiceover work for many of the home improvement retailer's television and radio ads.

Police say that a note found in the actor and novelist's Santa Fe home read simply: "We have Mr. Hackman. He will be returned once the spare bedroom is finished and we have received adequate monetary compensation." No fingerprints were found on the stationery, but police said there was a large amount of fur in the home's entryway. The Hackman family does not own any pets. 

Police believe the spare bedroom in question is at a place dubbed "the ayatollah compound," the home of canine cult leader Ayatollah Mugsy. Sgt. Mike Davis of the Santa Fe Police Department said that officers are working to obtain a search warrant but that they aren't sure of the ayatollah's street address. 

"We've heard reports that he lives in a secret lair on a private island off the West Coast, with a mountain carved in the image of his face," Davis said. "But that's all unconfirmed. The truth is, we don't know where to find this pug, or Mr. Hackman."

Representatives of the ayatollah's Pug Life Ministries have thus far refused to meet with police, asserting that they have sovereignty over their own affairs and are not bound by the laws of humans. The ministry last week launched a boycott of Lowe's, alleging shoddy service by carpet-installation workers affiliated with the store. 

Hackman, 80, said in 2008 that he had retired from acting. He has written three novels since 1999. 

Tom Gregory, a psychiatrist in Santa Fe, said that if the two-time Oscar winner had, indeed, been abducted by Ayatollah Mugsy, there was a very real danger of Stockholm Syndrome setting in. 

"This is a syndrome in which the kidnapped grow fond of their attackers -- something that I would consider highly likely with such a charismatic figure as the ayatollah," he said.

Friday, August 06, 2010

Legal challenge to the ministry

The ministry's gift shop has been named in a frivolous cease-and-desist letter, my flock. An infidel who has a trademark on a bowling design claims that it gives him dominion over all uses of the word "pinhead." If this were the case, he would be owed royalties by all who crossed his path and then muttered the word under their breath as they walked away from him. Though he clearly has much personal experience with being a pinhead, his knowledge of copyright and trademark law is sorely lacking. In short, my flock, he has picked a fight with the wrong pug. Not only have I passed the bar in Pugistan, but I have also served as judge, jury and executioner for countless chew toys. My team of legal beagles is researching relevant cases as we speak. God willing, this infidel will regret crossing Pug Life Ministries. It is time for some justice, ayatollah-style.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

You heard it here first

A new CNN poll shows that a quarter of Americans doubt that President Obama is a U.S. citizen. Perhaps the number would be higher if more humans read my blog, where I last year revealed the president's TRUE birth certificate. Spread the word, my flock!

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Lowe's: Let's boycott something together

FRISCO, Texas (AP) -- Tens of thousands of protesters spontaneously took to the streets of suburban Dallas on Tuesday morning in a show of solidarity with a fiery canine cleric and his boycott of home-improvement retailing giant Lowe's. 

At issue was a carpeting project at the secret compound of Ayatollah Mugsy. According to sources within the ayatollah's Pug Life Ministries, installers phoned early Tuesday to say that they had not ordered enough carpet and would have to return at a later date. This was a repeat of a carpeting installation project conducted mere weeks earlier, said ministry sources, who wished to remain anonymous. In the earlier project, Lowe's was contracted to install flooring in two rooms but only brought enough carpet for one. 

"That's just wrong!" said irate protester Mike Thompson. "If I order a burger at McDonald's, they don't tell me they'll have to bring me the bun next week. This kind of ineptitude has to be stopped!" 

Thompson was carrying a large placard that read "Lowe's Burn in Hell," and he was accompanied by his wife and three children. 

"I thought this was an important occasion, so I pulled my dumbest son out of summer school so that he could take part," Thompson said. "We have to stand up against injustice, in all its forms."

Protester Gloria Ramos echoed that sentiment. As she burned an effigy of Lowe's Companies Inc. Chairman and CEO Robert Niblock outside Stonebriar Centre mall, she led a crowd in chants of "Hey hey, ho ho, Lowe's infidels have got to go."

Police cordoned off the parking lots around the city's Lowe's store, and officers engaged in an uneasy standoff with a pack of angry terriers, some wielding torches and pitchforks. One Scottie dog was flicking a cigarette lighter and standing beside what appeared to be a Molotov cocktail. Officers called the situation volatile. 

"Those Lowe's idiots ... [expletive deleted] with the wrong pug," said Officer Frank Reynolds, a six-year veteran of the force. "And now we've gotta try to contain the mess."

The ayatollah, believed to be the unchallenged leader of the world's largest interfaith, interspecies ministry, had not appeared in public to protest as of Wednesday morning, but he was believed to be hard at work behind the scenes organizing a boycott of the retailer. Share's of Lowe's (NYSE: LOW) were plunging fast, down 2.44 percent on news of the boycott as of 10 a.m. Wednesday. 

A ministry source said Ayatollah Mugsy "sneezed in the general direction of Lowe's," strong words indicating the depths of the canine cleric's ire. The pug, 9, led a crippling boycott of Comcast in 2005 that produced a major shakeup of the corporate board and nearly forced the telecommunications giant into bankruptcy. 

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

OK, here's the situation ...

Don't forget to tune in to the season premiere of Jersey Shore on Thursday, when Wendell and I will be making a very special guest appearance. In the episode, Wendell moves to Miami and falls in with the wrong crowd. He styles his fur into a "blowout" haircut, injects copious amounts of steroids and spends eight hours a day dancing and paw-pumping at a South Beach club. My only option for saving him is to go undercover and infiltrate the "Guido" subculture, so I apply fake tanner until my fur is orange and head to Florida to win Wendell's redemption. Along the way, I'll lecture Snooki and The Situation on morality, and I may even find true love with J-Woww. Don't miss it, my flock!

Friday, July 09, 2010

Profiles in narcissism

I wanted to write this sermon yesterday, but I didn't have time. That is all right, however. As it turns out, the events of today have only confirmed my earlier thoughts: LeBron James is a raging egomaniac who's lost all touch with reality. 

It's not often that I -- the pug, the myth, the legend -- have occasion to call someone an egomaniac. But in this instance, the high-top sneaker clearly fits. The basketball player wrapped up his year-long spectacle tonight by announcing that he'd leave his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers to play for the Miami Heat. I don't begrudge anyone their choice of where and how to earn a living. But the way James handled the process was obscene and classless. 

Rather than merely signing a contract and announcing his decision, James felt he had to make a splash. His elevated sense of self-worth would not allow the self-proclaimed "king" to accept a job offer like a mere commoner. (His first post on his new Twitter page this week read "Hello World, the Real King James is in the Building 'Finally.'" Maybe that little social networking site will catch on now that his royal highness has deigned to grace it with his presence.) After requiring all his NBA suitors to come to him for meetings at his Cleveland office, James set up an hour-long, prime-time TV special on ESPN dubbed "The Decision." "The," because in LeBron's warped world, it was the only decision that mattered. 

While James was busy earlier this week announcing that he would ... announce, a younger superstar who is arguably already LeBron's equal in terms of talent humbly accepted a boatload of money for a contract extension in Oklahoma City. Kevin Durant's announcement came on his Twitter page: "Exstension for 5 more years wit the #thunder....God Is Great, me and my family came a long way...I love yall man forreal, this a blessing!"

OK, so his spelling isn't the greatest. But the youngest-ever NBA scoring champ has the sweetest jump shot in the league and arms a mile long to go with his great attitude and humble demeanor, so we shall let that slide. The point is, Durant expressed gratitude for the opportunities he's been given. He's a team player who doesn't put himself on a pedestal. The wallpaper on his Twitter page pictures his teammates but not himself. If I were starting a franchise, I'd take Durant over LeBron in a heartbeat.

But back to LeBron James, a player who's never won a championship and seemed to already have his foot out the door as his Cavaliers were embarrassed in the playoffs this year, and my assertion that he's lost touch with reality. When he announced the hour-long TV special, I thought it was a virtual lock that he would return to the Cavaliers. How could a decent human being possibly go on such a forum on national TV and rub his decision in the faces of all the Ohioans who had supported him and cheered him since he was a boy? In the faces of his teammates and the front office that put together the league's best regular-season team this year? Surely if he were going anywhere else, he'd put aside the spectacle and exit his hometown with some dignity. But the Akron native was oblivious to this obvious notion, blinded by his ego. An ego that told him that everyone watching on TV loved King James as much as he loved himself.

I'm sure they love LeBron in South Beach right now, but expect the backlash to be severe elsewhere. As the recent July Fourth holiday reminded us, this country doesn't take kindly to kings.  

Friday, July 02, 2010

Ministry rebuilding after flood

My flock, I come to you today with a heavy heart and soggy paws. As some of you know, the ayatollah compound was recently befallen by a series of household disasters. What began with a broken toilet line and a 100-year indoor flood was followed by pestilence, famine and a swarm of june bugs. The heavy-duty dehumidifying equipment and fans in the compound to clear out all the water caused a power surge that zapped our air conditioner, Internet cables and microwave (hence, the famine). While all this was going on, a "deep-cover" Pugistani spy ring was also compromised by the authorities, but fortunately, the feds do not seem to grasp what they have come across. 

We are gradually restoring order to the compound, my flock. A series of chew-toy riots have been quelled. The leaders of this uprising apparently thought they could take advantage of the situation, but my brother Wendell and I have put them in their place and spilled their cotton as a warning to others who would seek to throw off the yoke of chew-toy servitude. I rule this empire with an iron paw! And as much as I despise bathtime, no amount of moisture will change that. 

Our air conditioner was restored, with the thermostat reading 98 degrees as it blinked back to life -- not a moment too soon. Our Internet connection is now back online, and other repairs will be scheduled in the coming days and weeks. 

It will not be easy, my flock, but the ministry will rebuild. To cover the cost of repairs, I am organizing a telethon. I urge you all to donate to this most worthy cause. In closing, please view these wrenching images of the ayatollah compound, taken during the height of the flooding crisis, and let your heartstrings and your purse strings be tugged upon in an appropriate manner.