Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Wendell's new vocation

My little brother Wendell has asked me to spread the word about his new blog, The Capitalist Pug. It seems that young Wendell has become a financial guru -- who knew? He tells me that he was inspired by Bernie Madoff. I'm proud of him for taking the initiative and entering this new career phase. I always hoped he'd follow my pawsteps into the clergy, but I'm sure he'll do a fine job as a financial adviser. He's even offering free advice -- you can e-mail him your questions or post them on his blog. Just keep in mind Wendell's disclaimers. He is a 2-year-old pug, after all. 

Best of luck, Wendell. And do not forget to advise the "small people" to tithe.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Mugsy comments on World Cup

I've been trying to get into watching the World Cup, even though the Pugistani team didn't qualify after Wendell received two yellow cards for urinating on the soccer ball. But it's been difficult. I know this is the world's most popular sport, but that doesn't mean it's perfect. In fact, there's one big flaw: The fact that so many matches end in draws. As the saying goes, a tie is like kissing your litter-mate. 

It offends my competitive nature to see players celebrating wildly after a tie -- after they've played 90 minutes and won nothing. New Zealand managed a 1-1 tie against Italy on Sunday, and the Kiwi coach was practically gushing. "It’s the most incredible result we’ve had across the board," coach Ricki Herbert said. "As a football coach, it’s way above anything we’ve achieved in the history of the game. We are always daring to dream. At the World Cup anything is possible — we’ve seen some strange results — but nothing as big as that one.”

Seriously, coach? A 1-1 tie is the grandest achievement in your nation's athletic history? Can anyone imagine hearing such nonsense uttered about one of the more popular sports in America? I can picture the conversation now:

Fan No. 1: "Remember when Joe Montana hit Dwight Clark in the back of the end zone for "The Catch" to seal a 27-27 tie in the NFC Championship Game? That was amazing!"

Fan No. 2: "Yeah, that gave me goosebumps to see the final score all tied up like that, with both the Niners and the Cowboys advancing to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl. But for me, the greatest moment in sports history was when injured center Willis Reed came limping onto the court in Game 7 of the 1970 NBA Finals and willed the Knicks to a 113-113 draw and a share of the championship. I was so happy that neither team lost!" 

My flock, I struggle to take seriously a sport that so often fails to produce a winner. This is why we play games, is it not? To win? So the World Cup has left me no choice but to issue a fatwa!

By the power of my binding religious decree, I hereby declare that the powers that be in soccer must look into a revolutionary concept called "overtime." And they also must immediately seize all those annoying
vuvuzelas from fans and hand them over to the local canines to be used as chew toys. 

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Mugsy diverts mosque funds for home project

I have just spent two hours locked outside as two strange men ripped up the flooring of the ayatollah compound and carted it off in their van, no doubt to sell on eBay for its value as a religious relic. The carpet was more than a decade old and showing its age. Plus, Wendell had run out of places to mark after his wild puppyhood. God willing, he will take his time before starting on this new canvas. We think he is finally past that stage.

Unfortunately, the infidels from Lowe's did not order enough carpet, so they will have to make another trip. Which means I may find myself locked outside or otherwise confined yet again. Lowe's treads perilously close to a fatwa and boycott, my flock. Perilously close. 

Still, I must admit that I'm satisfied with the new-look living room. 

P.S. -- Many thanks to my friends for their help moving the furniture yesterday. You have surely reserved a spot for yourselves in Heaven. Now the next time you visit, we can put you to work replacing that decrepit fence in the back yard ...