My day at the G8

I spent the afternoon in L'Aquila, Italy, attending the G8 summit. Pugistan is not a formal member of the Group of Eight industrialized nations, but the delegates recognize that we are a rising power, so most of them are trying to get on my good side. (Hint: Rawhide helps.)

While there, I had my first meeting with U.S. President Barack Obama and French leader Nicolas Sarkozy. We kept the business talk to a minimum, instead focusing on building a rapport as we toured areas damaged by an April earthquake and admired Italy's abundant natural beauty.

Public Service Announcement

The saintly humans at DFW Pug Rescue (the fine sponsors of the annual Pug-O-Ween costume party) are taking in unprecedented numbers of rescue dogs. Want to help by donating, fostering a dog or some other means? Visit their site at www.dfwpugs.com for details.

And to read the amazing story of Joshua the rescue pug (above), one of the group's success stories, visit this link. Joshua's transformation is nothing short of astounding.

And the early favorite for Best Picture is ...

This extraordinary short film may just be the best movie of the year. "Pug Pushes Stroller" chronicles a day in the life of a doting pug mother as she takes her children on an outing. As she pushes their stroller through the streets and parks of Portland, Ore., a range of emotions overtakes the viewer. You'll laugh; you'll cry. But mostly, you'll wonder how such a dedicated and loving mother could be denied the right to vote.

_____________________________

Title: Pug Pushes Stroller

Director: Unknown

Rating: PG (adult situations, canine nudity)

Running time: 2 minutes, 36 seconds

Ayatollah score: 4 paws up

Voting Rights for Canines

I have an exciting announcement, my flock. I recently launched a Facebook group to promote our ongoing struggle for canine suffrage. In the first 24 hours, the group's membership increased 70-fold. At this rate, we will surpass our goal of 1 million members and hit a billion by the end of the week! Such unprecedented growth shows that the time is right to organize and demand that our barks be heard. The sleeping canine giant is ready to emerge from its thrice-daily nap and seize power!

To visit the Voting Rights for Canines page and lend your support to the cause, click here.

The site includes a discussion board where you can exchange ideas with other enlightened canine suffragists, contact information for every member of Congress so that you can lobby them to support canine voting rights, news coverage of our burgeoning civil rights movement, a photo gallery of disenfranchised and dejected canines, and links to other useful Web sites. Among those other sites is a list compiled by "U.S. News and World Report" of the 10 worst U.S. presidents. What do they all have in common? Not a single canine voted for any of them. Clearly, our judgment is superior to the humans'. Or, at the least, it can be no worse.

I hope you will take the time to register your support. Our future, and our puppies' future, depends on it.

It's Independence Day

On this date in 1776, America's founding fathers signed the Declaration of Independence and set out to establish a more perfect Great Satan. Today, we celebrate their success. I hope you all have a fun-filled, relaxing holiday weekend. And remember these safety tips:

• Use sunscreen.
• Do not drink and drive.
• Wear a lifejacket. (Unless you're on land; then you would just look silly.)
• Canines don't generally like the sound of firecrackers, so bring them inside where they won't be tempted to try to escape. Also, share the barbecue with them.
• Let the professionals handle the fireworks. Especially if you live next door to the ayatollah compound.
• If you choose to set off your own fireworks, remember to hold them in your non-dominant hand. This way, your penmanship is less likely to suffer if you blow off a limb.

Boxer KOs ugly-dog competition

In a history-making upset over the weekend, a boxer named Pabst claimed the title of World's Ugliest Dog at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in California. Pabst (above), so named because of his "bitter beer face," defeated a Chinese crested to claim the prestigious title in the one contest that yours truly could never win.

Pabst's blue-ribbon win was surprising because the Chinese crested breed typically owns the title. It's like the greyhound in racing, the Kennedy and Bush families in politics, the bad accent in "True Blood." The Chinese crested has "ugly" embedded in its DNA. So the boxer's win, aided by his reverse-vampire underbite, was quite a feat, indeed.

Pabst's caretaker, Miles Egstad, was surprised by the boxer's victory, exclaiming, "I don't think he's that ugly!" Still, he was surely happy to pocket $2,600 in prize money. I tend to agree with Egstad's assessment -- Pabst doesn't even come close to the standard of ugliness set by legendary three-time winner Sam. As a fellow owner of an underbite, albeit a much less severe one, I believe that Pabst's dental issues convey a certain gravitas. But Pabst is a deserving champion and should be commended on his win. Thankfully, this year's contest was not marred by any ugly controversy like the 2006 event.

Pabst, we at Pug Life Ministries salute you, and we eagerly await the arrival of your $260 tithe. You have joined the pantheon of unappealing pooches, scaling the highest heights of hideousness. Many dogs competed, but only you could fetch the ugly stick.

In closing, I would like to recite a poem from the classic 1986 movie "Wildcats." This one's for you, Pabst:

U-G-L-Y,

You ain't got no alibi,

You ugly.

Crisis of faith

My flock, I am on the verge of questioning Allah's infinite wisdom with regard to the Texas heat. Pray for me ... and my struggling air-conditioner.

Mugsy's whereabouts revealed

DALLAS (AP) -- The mystery of Ayatollah Mugsy's bizarre disappearance was solved Wednesday when the enigmatic canine religious leader revealed that he had spent the last five days waiting in line in a Wal-Mart Supercenter "express lane."

"The sign said 10 items or less," the ayatollah barked at an emotional news conference, "but several of the shoppers were clearly breaking the rules. I don't care if it costs extra; next time, God willing, I will go to Target or Kroger."

Word of the ayatollah's disappearance broke over the weekend, when members of his harem told the news media that they had no idea where he was. Officials at Mugsy's Pug Life Ministries at first said they didn't know about the ayatollah's whereabouts. Later, the ministry issued a statement saying that the pug was "probably just out taking a walk."

As media curiosity grew, Mugsy's younger brother Wendell released a statement saying that the ayatollah was "climbing the Matterhorn to blow off some steam after a difficult week." An hour later, Wendell released a new statement that read, "Mount Everest is higher than the Matterhorn, right? That's where Mugsy is. He's climbing Mount Everest. It's nothing unusual."

It was unclear who was in charge of Pug Life Ministries during the ayatollah's absence, though speculation centered on Wendell and a chew toy named Mallard, a duck who is believed to be Mugsy's top assistant. Reached by phone, Mallard declined to quack.

During an interview Tuesday with the Associated Press, several members of Ayatollah Mugsy's harem expressed doubt over the official stories released by the ministry, which by this time included word that the pug icon was helping squelch a rebellion in Iran, that he was hang-gliding in Peru, and that he was having his nails trimmed. Those members of the harem were reportedly expelled early Wednesday, but Ayatollah Mugsy declined to comment on the matter.

A representative of Wal-Mart, reached at the retail giant's headquarters in Bentonville, Ark., said that having a customer wait in line for five full days is "somewhat unusual, but not unprecedented." The retailer says it tries to limit waits to no more than four days.

Ode to a Fallen Insect

Like PETA, I mourn the martyr fly,
All the lives it could have touched,
The diseases it could have spread,
Snuffed out in an Obama instant.

Keep a lid on this behavior

If you take only one thing away from my teachings, only one small nugget of wisdom, please let it be this: DO NOT FLUSH YOUR PUPPY DOWN THE TOILET!

The great meatball caper

A momentous event took place today, my flock. It will forever stand in the pantheon of great achievements during my esteemed ayatollahhood. Allow me to set the scene:

Mother was cleaning out the refrigerator, throwing away a startling collection of moldy cheeses and vintage mustard bottles. Finally, the refrigerator was sparkling clean, and she moved on to the freezer. Wendell stood nearby, ready to help, and I lay on the cool tile floor beside my food bowl, praying for a second dinner. Then my ears perked up as a crashing noise erupted from mother's vicinity. "Aaah!" she yelped, fumbling with boxes. "Come and help me!" she then said to father, who was at the laptop checking my new Twitter page.

Father looked up slowly. "Seriously?" he said. His delay allowed mother's frozen payload to slip further from her grasp. And then we saw it: a bag of frozen meatballs tumbling in slow-motion to the floor. Praise be to clumsy mothers! My eyes widened, as did Wendell's. Then we sprinted to the scene. Meatballs rolled across the floor, at least a dozen of them. Mother dropped a frozen pizza and some other boxes to try to scoop them up, but she was no match for the superior athleticism of the pug. Seconds later, Wendell and I emerged victorious from the scrum, each of us clutching a frozen, meaty, halaal treat.

Negotiations commenced immediately thereafter, and we agreed to return the meatballs to mother in exchange for some Milkbones. I considered it a great victory for Pugistan, getting a handful of treats without having to engage in any demeaning parlor tricks such as "sit" or "take it." With a mouthful of icy meat, I was bargaining from a position of power. Just the way I like it.

After the commotion had ended and mother carried a plateful of sullied meatballs to the trash bin outside, I casually approached the male human and slipped him a dollar. "Well played, father," I barked. "Well played."

Father's Day special

I have a special offer for you, my flock. Today only, order $50 or more from my online gift shop and get free shipping! Use coupon code GO4GIFTS.

Father's Day is June 21, and what better way to show your appreciation for Dad than with an official Pug Life Ministries T-shirt or BBQ Apron, or perhaps a Classic Harem-Wear Thong.

All proceeds go to Wendell's Obedience School Fund -- because another sofa cushion would be a terrible thing to waste.

Twitterpated

Ever the cutting-edge pug, I have decided to experiment with the breakthrough Web 2.0 site of 2008 -- Twitter. You may follow my adventures in mini-blogging at www.twitter.com/ayatollahmugsy. Tonight, I have been chronicling the Great Storm of '09.

The Ayatollah's Axioms: History

Pugs who cannot remember the past are condemned to forget where they buried their bones.

Mugsy delivers commencement address

The following is a transcript of a commencement address the ayatollah delivered on Saturday at a PetSmart in Plano, Texas:

Assalamu alaikum. And thank you, Head Cashier Smith, for that generous introduction. I am here to congratulate you, the Class of 2009, on your accomplishments. I understand that, with the exception of that screeching Chihuahua biting that embarrassed woman in the back row, all of you have passed your coursework and earned diplomas. Some of you have learned to sit, to stay, to heel. Some may have even learned to roll over. You should all be commended. But know that this is really just the beginning -- you are all embarking on a lifetime of learning.

I am reminded of my own graduation. I finished at the top of PetSmart's puppy class back in 2002. And donning my graduation cap on that proud day, I could have never imagined the great heights I would someday achieve. To think that only 18 months later I would be the first to ever translate the holy Quran into canine barking, or that I would shortly thereafter found the world's largest interfaith, interspecies ministry -- truly, it boggles the mind.

Recent graduates, you cannot hold yourselves to the lofty standards that I have set. To do so would be to set yourselves up for failure. But that does not mean you shouldn't aim high. We live in a world where the humans often ignore our brilliance, believing the myth that they are the superior species. Do not let this bring you down. I would like to think that a wise fawn pug, with the richness of his experiences, would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a human who hasn't lived that life.

So go forth, young graduates, and make this world your own. Sniff every mailbox; savor every delectable, crunchy junebug. I believe the puppies are our future. We have taught you well, and now we must let you lead the way. Allahu akbar!

[Rapturous applause]

Mugsy weighs in on Obama's speech

This has been a momentous day, my flock. I must say that I was pleased with President Obama's effort to reach out to canine Muslims during his speech in Cairo. But next time, he must bring some Milkbones.

U.N. condemns pug nuclear test

UNITED NATIONS (AP) -- The U.N. Security Council unanimously condemned Pugistan's first nuclear test on Saturday as a clear violation of a 2006 resolution aimed at curbing the canine nation's atomic program.

The statement emerging from the 15-member council's emergency meeting in New York came after President Obama urged the international community to "stand up to" the shadowy Pugistani leader, Ayatollah Mugsy, and demanded that he abandon Pug Life Ministries' nuclear program. 

Experts with the International Atomic Energy Agency said the fuel for the bomb probably came from spent fuel rods used in the ministry's controversial rawhide-enrichment program, which has drawn widespread international condemnation in recent years. Pug Life Ministries first clashed with the IAEA in late 2005, when the ministry allegedly abducted three nuclear inspectors and had them cryogenically frozen. The inspectors' whereabouts remain a mystery.

The latest underground nuclear blast took place early Saturday and was believed to be centered beneath the back yard of the ayatollah's suburban Dallas compound. Officials with Ayatollah Mugsy's ministry, which controls Pugistan's theocratic government, denied that the test violated any laws. 

"We called the city hotline and had all underground power and sewage lines clearly marked with colored flags before digging commenced," said one spokesdog, who asked to remain anonymous. "And there is no municipal law against subterranean nuclear testing -- we checked."

The Pugistani separatists are not members of the United Nations and therefore do not recognize the international body's authority. 

Though no neighbors would speak out publicly against the nuclear test, some privately vowed to bring the matter up at the next meeting of the Hillcrest Estates Homeowners' Association. 

Awkward moments

Greetings, my flock. I apologize for my absence in recent days. I have been preoccupied with the offerings at AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com and, thus, unable to blog. 

Now that I have waded through the entire photo album, my normal teaching schedule should resume. Although some of the site's photos leave much to be desired, it does have several gems, among them the well-coiffed Bon family, Mommy-the-Pooh, and the unfortunate case of The Dribbler.

The road show hits Atlanta

Tonight's sermon comes to you live from Atlanta, or as young Wendell calls it, "Hotlanta." Our revival road show arrived in the Georgia capital this afternoon after leaving Topsail Island before sunrise, and we are now resting at a downtown hotel. Along the way, we met with a powerful man named Pedro, who has established a massive retail, motel and entertainment complex near the South Carolina-North Carolina border. It is all quite tastefully decorated; I delivered a sermon from the top of South of the Border's 165-foot-tall sombrero tower. 

After a few more brief roadside appearances in South Carolina and Georgia, we reached Atlanta and went to the World of Coca-Coca attraction, just down the street from our hotel. We had the misfortune of arriving at the same time as a gaggle of rambunctious schoolchildren. As our tour began, we were herded into one room after another with the rowdy students, unable to break away. A woman led the children in exercises of Coke-fueled groupthink. "Are we thirsty?" she'd ask. "Yes!" the children would answer. "What's our favorite drink?" she'd yell. "Coca-Cola!" the youths would say. It was horrifying, seeing the Stepford children so mindlessly pledge their allegiance to a soft drink. I was, frankly, a bit disturbed that this was the setting for a school field trip. I was also disappointed in myself for not coming up with a similar indoctrination tool for Pug Life Ministries. 

After tasting most of the 64 flavors of international Coca-Cola products (the Zimbabwean Sparberry was a favorite), my entourage moved next door to the wonderful Georgia Aquarium. I highly recommend it for anyone interested in aquatic creatures, although you should be advised that the facility's regulations expressly prohibit anyone from bringing a fishing pole onto the premises. Mother was most disappointed. Before leaving, I liberated an electric eel from his tank, and the ministry is now working to weaponize it. Purely for defensive purposes, of course. 

Vacation update

Assalamu alaikum, my flock. It has been a busy week. In the last three days, I have gone mountain biking in Virginia, cave-sniffing in Tennessee and canoeing in North Carolina. I also ministered to a beaver, several groundhogs and a pair of deer, and I lectured a bloodthirsty tick on the error of his lifestyle choices. "Take one more step toward me, infidel, and you will fall victim to my Revolution!" I barked. I urged him to change his parasitic ways, embrace a halaal diet and attend regular services at the Dogloo mosque. God willing, he will see the light and repent.

In addition to these adventures, I was a witness to much workplace intrigue at the excellent Shatley Springs family-style dining establishment. As my dinner party chowed down on limitless portions of fried chicken and other fine foods last night, we overheard the waitress at the neighboring table complain to her customers about a thief who had been stealing her tips. "I think it's one of the co-workers," she said, in a heavy Southern drawl. "You know, you think you know somebody, and then they go and do something like that!"

Later, our waitress, speaking in a similarly heavy Southern drawl, seemed oddly interested in the neighboring table's affairs. "Did they not leave her a tip?" she asked incredulously, craning her neck. "The last three customers stiffed her. I can't imagine doing that!" We informed her that the customers had tipped the waitress directly rather than leave any money on the table. A look of disappointment flashed on her face. I suspect that she may have to wait a few more days to buy that new pair of shoes.

Greetings from Asheville

Greetings, my flock. I am writing to you from my mountaintop chateau in Asheville, N.C., where I have focused the efforts of the ministry's Traveling Islamic Revival Roadshow and Circus in recent days. The area was chosen for its natural beauty, vibrant downtown and high density of mountain folk. Watching television recently, I learned that hillbillies may have a great deal of money to contribute to the ministry, as well as something called "Texas tea." I am never one to turn down money in my offering plate or liquid in my water bowl, so this intrigued me.

Today, the ministry's caravan will move north along the Blue Ridge Parkway. God willing, we will find many converts and Jed Clampett-like benefactors.

Nashville star

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- After a series of rallies marred by torrential rain and the H1N1 flu virus, Ayatollah Mugsy made a triumphant appearance in Nashville on Sunday as part of his Traveling Islamic Revival Roadshow and Circus.

The religious leader, a pug, barked a nine-hour speech from the steps of the city's full-size Parthenon replica, as rabid followers hung on his every word.

With cotton candy vendors and fire eaters roaming the grounds, the controversial cleric called on the U.S. Congress to pass the so-called "Rawhide Stimulus" bill that has been languishing on Capitol Hill since January. Ayatollah Mugsy also renewed his call for canines to secede from the United States and form a nation he dubbed Pugistan. The secessionist talk drew some of the biggest applause of the night, and Fox News commentator Glen Beck led the crowd in a chant of "Secede from the USA now!" Beck later dubbed the ayatollah "a great American patriot."

Following the ayatollah's marathon speech and his ritualized counting of the offering plate funds and shaming of the nongivers, Mugsy turned the stage over to his brother Wendell. The younger pug was joined by Cowboy Troy and Dolly Parton as he howled a series of country music tunes, ending with a raucous version of "Stand by Your Teddy Bear."

Walking in Memphis

MEMPHIS, Tenn. (AP) -- Federal health officials on Saturday broke up a rally organized by the shadowy group Pug Life Ministries near the late Elvis Presley's Graceland mansion.

Officials say the trouble began when two swine flu sufferers approached the ministry's leader, Ayatollah Mugsy, asking for a cure. The ayatollah is purported to have mystical healing powers, which are transferred through his saliva to a patient's belly button.

As the ayatollah approached the swine flu patients, he was tethered by a leash to his apparent human master, a man dressed in a hazmat suit with a surgical-grade respirator. But before the ayatollah could perform the laying-on-of-tongues ritual, officials with the Centers for Disease Control and Protection swooped in and quarantined the site.

"We now have thousands of people who have been exposed to the swine flu," said one federal health official, on the condition of anonymity. "This is disastrous."

The World Health Organization was less subtle in its response to the incident, issuing a statement that read: "The time to panic is upon us."

Officials with Pug Life Ministries declined to comment. But the Islamic Elvii, a radical Memphis offshoot of the ministry that combines the ayatollah's brand of canine Islam with rhinestone-encrusted jumpsuits, issued a statement downplaying any talk of a worsening pandemic.

"That's all right, mama," said one Elvii official, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

Mugsy's on the move

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (AP) -- Hundreds of pilgrims descended upon a makeshift mosque set up in a field off Interstate 40 early Saturday to welcome Ayatollah Mugsy, the mysterious leader of Pug Life Ministries.

After waiting in line for several hours, many of the pilgrims said they were disappointed that the mercurial cleric only made a 20-second appearance.

"It was raining, and the ayatollah doesn't like baths," said a source with the ministry who asked to remain anonymous. "Plus, he had to get to Graceland before closing time."

In defense of the pigs

I stand in solidarity with my curly-tailed, snorting pig brothers and sisters. If not for a misplaced vowel, they would be pugs.

Baseball milestone, glowing pups and more!

Hi there, Pug Lifers. It's Wendell at your service once again, wondering when the ministry is going to update my photo. I feel like one of those newspaper columnists who runs the same mug shot for 20 years, and then when he finally reshoots it, you wonder if his dad took over the job from him. But Big Brother Mugsy calls the shots, so I'll leave that up to him.

As I've gotten older and matured somewhat, I've been taking on a bigger role with Pug Life Ministries. I've been spending less time chasing my tail and more time learning from the master. A while back, Mugsy assigned me to work on a special project developing a canine-centric news wire service. He says this could be critical to the success of the ministry's planned cable news network. I don't think Mugsy has filled you in on this, but basically it's been a dream of his for a few years now. When he first pitched the idea for a 24-hour network to cable and satellite providers, they deemed it too extreme. But with the ongoing radicalization of the Fox Newses and MSNBCs of the world, we believe that the Dog News Network's stance on strictly enforced sharia law and canine suffrage could now be considered almost moderate. Keep your fingers and paws crossed for DNN -- I think it's an idea whose time has come.

Anyway, even though we don't yet have a network to air these stories on, I'm constantly compiling information for Mugsy. Here's a sampling of what I've found recently:

• Leading off, we have a history-making tale about Master Yogi Berra. This modern-day Jackie Robinson has broken baseball's long-standing species barrier, becoming the first canine to be ejected from a baseball game. The mascot for the Greensboro Grasshoppers was tossed by home plate umpire Jason Hatchings for "relieving himself" on the field. Thankfully, the owner of the North Carolina team, Donald Moore, is sticking by his pooch. "When you gotta go, you gotta go," he said.

• The dog-training company Bark Busters has embarked on a search for the naughtiest dog in America. The winner of the National Naughty Dog Contest will win free training. I'm sure that nobody in the congregation would qualify for this, but just in case, you can find details by clicking here.

• A dog in Thailand is now the proud owner of a $4.2 million jewel-encrusted tiara, courtesy of caretaker and jewelry designer Riwin Jirapolsek. The Thai man now plans to create a jeweled hair clip for his 15-year-old Maltese, to help keep the fur out of his beloved pet's eyes. And they say we're in the midst of a global economic recession!

• And finally, researchers say they have created the world's first fluorescent cloned dogs. The four beagle puppies, including Ruppy (pictured below), glow red under ultraviolet light. The researchers say this experiment that mixed canine cells with a gene from a sea anemone could aid in the study of human diseases, but I think their motives are more nefarious. A glowing race of merbeagle supersoldiers, anyone? The ayatollah has made clear his thoughts on canine cloning, so I suggest that you scientists stick with your night lights. 

Mugsy doing well after surgery

Hey, everybody. Wendell here, filling in for Big Brother. As some of you know, Mugsy had surgery on Friday to have a lump removed. He has a history of mast cell tumors, so we have to watch out for these things and nip 'em in the bud. The vet said the operation went really well, and Mugsy seems to be feeling good. His recovery this time has been much better than in past surgeries. His tail is up and curled tightly, and he's barking the word of Allah with great abandon -- especially when the neighborhood kids congregate at the fence. 

Even though he's only two days removed from the operation, I think Mugsy's pretty much back to normal. His toughness is the stuff of legend. Still, the vet says Mugsy should limit his activity for a while, so I'll be taking over blogging duties for the next week or so. 

Big Bro, you just sit back and relax and let your harem fawn all over you, and I'll try to make you proud. 

Mugsy issues fatwa

Evil must be condemned, my flock. Regardless of the consequences or any personal discomfort, we must speak out against it. To do otherwise would be tantamount to acceptance. And by meekly accepting evil, we perpetuate it. So although I run the risk of angering the world's retailers and haberdashers, I feel that they have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa! I hereby condemn, in the strongest terms possible, the packaging of men's dress shirts. 


Anyone who has ever shopped for a button-up shirt has surely been astounded by the depths of depravity to which clothing-makers sink. The shirt is tightly folded into an awkward rectangle. Cold plastic is tucked away on both sides of the collar. Numerous bits of cardboard and paper hide in the shirt's crevices. And worst of all, an array of plastic and metal clips join forces with eight dozen razor-sharp pins to pinch every bit of stray fabric together. This turns the simple act of trying on a new shirt into a half-hour production. The pointless display must be painstakingly disassembled, creating a pile of environmentally unfriendly waste and filling the blood-stained department store pincushion to the breaking point. Once freed from its bindings, the shirt is covered in rectangular creases that are likely to survive the garment's first washing and beyond; only heavy-duty ironing can undo the madness of man. And woe be upon the poor sap who has to reassemble and reshelve this ungodly puzzle after I decide I don't like the way the shirt fits.

So let it be known throughout the land that I strictly forbid this practice to continue. Under the terms of this fatwa, shirts must now be allowed to hang freely on a rack. I will tolerate the plastic in the collar, which seems to be the only part of this display method with any purpose, but the pins and needles and cardboard and paper must go -- and they must go now! They serve only to torture male clothes-buyers, raise the material cost of the shirts, leave unsightly holes and wrinkles in the fabric, litter our landfills, and destroy our precious trees before I and other well-meaning canines have had a chance to mark them.  What a waste. What an evil, evil waste. 

Well done, Porterhouse

The ministry would like to congratulate Porterhouse, who was recently crowned the winner of Drake University's annual Beautiful Bulldog Contest in Des Moines, Iowa. Porterhouse, 4, beat out 49 other contestants to claim the pageant prize. After finishing second in the contest in 2006 and 2007, Porterhouse finally broke through with a victory, wearing camouflage and an army helmet for the occasion. 

The bulldog's triumph was not without controversy, as judge Perez Hilton blasted Porterhouse's controversial stance on interspecies marriage. 

The Pug Epic: Part III

This is the third chapter in a multi-part history lesson. To read the previous installment, click here. 

As Genghis Khan's forces massed at the Great Wall, debate raged within the pug parliament. A battle with the warlord would no doubt prove bloody. Though the pugs were confident that their superior intellect and military might would help them prevail, they preferred to avoid an unnecessary conflict. Centuries of war had left many of the dogs weary. They had long ago traded in their thrice-daily naps for careers as soldiers and merchants and artisans. Nerves were frayed and hackles were raised as the dogs sought a solution. Finally, a consensus emerged within the pug parliament around a charismatic leader named Sun Mugtzu. This pug, bigger than most, with a perfectly concave face and exquisite jowls, was unanimously elected emperor of the canines. He raised a million-pug army -- unheard of in that time -- and embarked on his rendezvous with destiny. 

Sun Mugtzu stood atop the Great Wall looking down upon Genghis Khan's sea of warriors. The Mongol encampment stretched to the horizon and beyond, with longbows angling skyward and swords glinting in the evening sunlight. He told the Mongols of the massive pug army on the other side of the wall, and of the certain death that awaited many of the rebels should they seek to invade. The pugs held the high ground and could strike far behind the Mongol front lines with their advanced artillery. Plus, scores of pug ninjas had already infiltrated the camp and stood ready to attack at a moment's notice. 

After Sun Mugtzu's show of strength, he invited Genghis Khan to meet him atop the Great Wall. Sun Mugtzu allowed the warlord a glimpse of the pug legions below and then spoke. "Temujin," he barked, using the Mongol's birth name. "We stand on the brink of war. But war is not what we seek. We pugs have spent centuries building our empire, and although we eat the finest treats and receive unlimited belly rubs and possess riches beyond human comprehension, we desire more. I come to offer you a deal."

The Mongol seemed taken aback. He had trained his whole life for this moment, for his opportunity to throw off the yoke of pug rule. He stood ready for a fight. Yet the wise old pug appeared ready to negotiate. Genghis Khan nodded apprehensively. "I'm listening," he said.

To be continued ...