Tuesday, January 31, 2006
We have flexed our economic muscle, launching two successful boycotts. In the quarter that we boycotted the corporate charlatan Comcast, the company lost over 40,000 subscribers. Our boycott against Austria has not yet had quite the same tangible effect on that anti-dog regime's tourism industry. But I believe this is because Vienna was not at the top of most canines' vacation wish lists anyway.
We have made great scientific strides, identifying a colorful salamander and developing the technology to cryogenically freeze our enemies.
We have moved swiftly toward our goal of establishing a theocratic pug homeland. For the first time in recorded history, canines are taking part in the democratic process. Dozens of dogs have cast their ballots to decide on a name for this new nation.
We have repelled numerous attacks, and each time, this ministry has emerged stronger. Criminal charges have been dropped. The International Atomic Energy Agency has turned its attention elsewhere. The IRS has stopped hounding us, for now. Our clandestine surveillance program deserves much of the credit for this improved security. The critics may cry foul, but let me assure you: It is legal. Obviously, as your leader, I would not engage in this domestic spying if it were not legal.
2005 was a banner year for me on a personal level as well. Thanks to the growing visibility of this ministry, my harem has never been larger. Thank you, Allah. Thank you. And my Batpug jersey has been retired, and it is now framed along with a commemorative Pug-O-Ween plaque.
Though new challenges will undoubtedly arise, the state of the Pug Life union is strong. Let us face these challenges head-on and work to make Pug Life even stronger in 2006. God bless Pug Life; God bless us all.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
The poll is configured to allow you to vote once a day. If you would like to campaign for your favorite choice or engage in voter intimidation, you are welcome to leave comments below.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
It would be one thing if I had recently taken in a family of gypsies or started bathing more than two times a month. But that is not the case. Instead, we have had an exceedingly warm winter. And thanks to my vibrant fur coat, I am able to keep the thermostat set low even when the weather cools. There is simply no reason for this exorbitant bill. As you know, I am not one to throw around inflammatory language lightly. But this smacks of price-gouging, and that is an ugly phenomenon, indeed. The only instance I can think of that would justify this outrageous energy bill is a sharp increase in the share price of Devon Energy (DVN). In that case, the capitalist pug in me would readily pronounce that this is simply a result of market forces at work.
Sunday, Jan. 29, 8 p.m.
Channel 13 (KERA)
A look at precocious pugs and their owners includes the canine star of the film “Men In Black”; therapy pugs working with special-needs children; a posh doggy-day-care center; and the “Halloween Howl,” where pugs don whimsical costumes.
Monday, January 23, 2006
In recent days, we have witnessed a sharp rise in anti-Pug Life activity. Visionary leaders are often the targets of persecution, so I am not surprised by this. But that does not mean I will take attacks on my ministry lying down. Belly rubs, maybe. But not attacks. Witness this mangled piece of paper. This morning, it was a happy, healthy document, without a care in the world. But then it dared to carry an anti-pug message. Look at it now: It is a slobber-covered, shredded shell of its former self. Learn from the paper’s example.
These enemies may be motivated by religious intolerance. They may be anti-pugites. Or perhaps they are just cat people. Whatever the case, they must know that when I am provoked, my fury is unrelenting. I urge you, do not make me take out my banana hook.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Let us all get behind Google, which has been transformed into a canine-friendly crusader for the Constitution. The government has far overstepped its bounds in this instance. Such demands should be reserved for totalitarian states, the likes of which I intend to found in due time.
Rather than wait for my subpoena to arrive, I will voluntarily reveal some of the search phrases used to find this blog in recent months:
"chewing panties" (twice)
"foster imposter chicken value"
"giantess belly dancer harem"
Thursday, January 19, 2006
As a wise pug once said: A stranger is just a friend you haven't sniffed.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
With fellow judges Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul, I began the audition process bright and early. We must have watched 80 people shatter concrete blocks -- and another 80 fail to shatter anything but perhaps their hands. It is times like these when I thank Allah for the button under my desk and the large trapdoor to which it is connected.
One of the most surprising applicants was Sylvester Stallone. Apparently, his boxing reality show "The Contender" was a bit of a flop, and he's hard up for cash. Although I greatly respect his writing ability and the fact that he single-handedly brought down communism in Eastern Europe with his 1985 movie "Rocky IV," I had to cut him. He just wasn't strong enough to be a member of Team Pugforce. He couldn't break a single concrete block or even bend an iron bar. And truth be told, he's shorter than I am. I guess the camera really does add four feet.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
So Brody, I would like to offer you the position of supreme commander of the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF). We could use a bulldog like you to shape up our fighting forces and lay the groundwork for canine rule. There is no pay, per se, but you will be able to keep half the booty your troops plunder during military campaigns.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Description: Team Pugforce is a new touring group that will use pyrotechnic displays and feats of strength to spread the word of Allah. Team Pugforce members will serve under the direction of Mugsy, supreme ayatollah of Pug Life Ministries.
Education: As little as possible.
Salary: Commensurate with education and experience in a canine-run ministry.
Must be willing to pass a positive steroid test. Unitards will be provided. Team Pugforce is an equal-opportunity employer.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
As I chronicled in my travel blog, I visited Paris last year. One of my stops was Notre Dame Cathedral, where I saw a real-life hunchback. Now, I can visit Notre Dame (sans said hunchback) anytime I want in the comfort of my home. You see, in the proudest moment since my PetSmart graduation day, I completed this replica of Notre Dame Cathedral. I finished the three-dimensional puzzle early Wednesday morning, and it was no easy task. After I tore off the plastic wrap with my nimble paws and peered at the endless sea of pieces inside the box, I said to myself, "Self, what have you gotten into now? You can’t even remember the last time you did a regular puzzle, and now you’re going to try to do a three-dimensional puzzle?" But I persevered, I prayed, I deposited much rawhide in my curse jar, and roughly 48 hours later, this architectural wonder sat gleaming on my kitchen table. Excuse me a moment; I have to wipe a tear from my cheek. Next up, God willing: the Dogloo Mosque.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Friday, January 06, 2006
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
It appears that prejudice is still alive and well in the country that produced Adolf Hitler. (And not in that humorous, Mel Brooksian way.) This policy could only be intended to limit the dog population by deterring humans from adopting canines. Honestly now, what is a bigger public menace: a pug or a European teenager? I didn't see any bulldogs or Jack Russell terriers torching cars in the Paris suburbs a few months ago. And yet there is no push to require liability insurance for the parents of European teenagers. This sinister law must be overturned. The vast majority of dogs are loving, peaceful creatures. For now.
In an unrelated story, a pack of angry Chihuahuas was accused of attacking a California police officer who was escorting a teenager home after a traffic stop. Police say the officer suffered minor injuries, primarily bites to his ankles.