Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Lowe's: Let's boycott something together

FRISCO, Texas (AP) -- Tens of thousands of protesters spontaneously took to the streets of suburban Dallas on Tuesday morning in a show of solidarity with a fiery canine cleric and his boycott of home-improvement retailing giant Lowe's. 

At issue was a carpeting project at the secret compound of Ayatollah Mugsy. According to sources within the ayatollah's Pug Life Ministries, installers phoned early Tuesday to say that they had not ordered enough carpet and would have to return at a later date. This was a repeat of a carpeting installation project conducted mere weeks earlier, said ministry sources, who wished to remain anonymous. In the earlier project, Lowe's was contracted to install flooring in two rooms but only brought enough carpet for one. 

"That's just wrong!" said irate protester Mike Thompson. "If I order a burger at McDonald's, they don't tell me they'll have to bring me the bun next week. This kind of ineptitude has to be stopped!" 

Thompson was carrying a large placard that read "Lowe's Burn in Hell," and he was accompanied by his wife and three children. 

"I thought this was an important occasion, so I pulled my dumbest son out of summer school so that he could take part," Thompson said. "We have to stand up against injustice, in all its forms."

Protester Gloria Ramos echoed that sentiment. As she burned an effigy of Lowe's Companies Inc. Chairman and CEO Robert Niblock outside Stonebriar Centre mall, she led a crowd in chants of "Hey hey, ho ho, Lowe's infidels have got to go."

Police cordoned off the parking lots around the city's Lowe's store, and officers engaged in an uneasy standoff with a pack of angry terriers, some wielding torches and pitchforks. One Scottie dog was flicking a cigarette lighter and standing beside what appeared to be a Molotov cocktail. Officers called the situation volatile. 

"Those Lowe's idiots ... [expletive deleted] with the wrong pug," said Officer Frank Reynolds, a six-year veteran of the force. "And now we've gotta try to contain the mess."

The ayatollah, believed to be the unchallenged leader of the world's largest interfaith, interspecies ministry, had not appeared in public to protest as of Wednesday morning, but he was believed to be hard at work behind the scenes organizing a boycott of the retailer. Share's of Lowe's (NYSE: LOW) were plunging fast, down 2.44 percent on news of the boycott as of 10 a.m. Wednesday. 

A ministry source said Ayatollah Mugsy "sneezed in the general direction of Lowe's," strong words indicating the depths of the canine cleric's ire. The pug, 9, led a crippling boycott of Comcast in 2005 that produced a major shakeup of the corporate board and nearly forced the telecommunications giant into bankruptcy. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Woe to Lowe's for not placing soft padded carpet under your feet!