Wednesday, November 16, 2005

My life: Trial of the century


Previous installments of this autobiographical series are available in the right-hand rail, under the heading "Mugsy's Biography."

Chapter VIII
After being booked and having my
mug shot taken, I was locked in a cage. With my one phone call, I had commanded my agent to put together a legal dream team the likes of which this country had never seen. Having been caught red-pawed, I knew I would need it. Within an hour, they began to arrive from around the country: F. Lee Bailey, Harriet Miers, Alan Dershowitz, Jackie Chiles, Robert Shapiro and Johnnie Cochran. If these legal masterminds couldn't help me, no one could. Johnnie Cochran took the lead, going over every last detail of the Great Panty Raid with me. He spent countless hours running through different courtroom scenarios, preparing to poke holes in the prosecution's case. Johnnie interviewed witnesses and took a team of forensics experts to the Hyatt Regency Dallas, the scene of my arrest. After months of preparation, the trial began.

To say it was a media circus would be an understatement. Reporters and camera crews from around the world converged on the
Old Red Courthouse, the landmark building where my trial took place. Johnnie's strategy was to use what he called the cross-dressing defense. I remember well the day that he famously told the jury, "If the panties don't fit, you must acquit." Then he had me try to squeeze into some of the tinier pieces of evidence. I, of course, made a show of my curly tail getting hung up on the waistbands. But the prosecutor, no legal slouch himself, argued that I was stealing the panties to chew, not to wear. He brought in a slew of witnesses -- roadies, club promoters, fellow rappers -- to document my panty habit.

The prosecution had made a compelling case, showing that DNA evidence connected me to fur and saliva found at the hotel. The city of Dallas -- clearly embarrassed by the Mary Kay scandal -- was pulling out all the stops, eager for a conviction. After shooting down my suggestion to bribe the jurors, Johnnie said that our only chance was for me to take the witness stand. With the star-struck jury hanging on my every word, I did as Johnnie had instructed: I let my innate charisma shine through. I stayed cool under the prosecutor's relentless questioning, offering an explanation for every piece of evidence, a well-thought-out answer for every question. But would it be enough? The defense rested. My fate was in the hands of the 12 human jurors.


To be continued

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wasn't aware that Harriet Miers is a fellow blogger.

Mr Lee said...

Haha, I'm amazed by your adventures already. Hope you get off the hook.
(If not,chew...Opps...I mean fire your defense team.)

Stephanie said...

Jurors don't care. They just want to go back to their day to day life. They don't get paid enough to give a crap anyway. Let's not kid ourselves. I'm just in a gripey mood today. Hope it comes out alright there Mugs!

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

Yes, Stephanie. If the jurors would only stop looking at their watches and examine the facts (as presented by my defense team), they would have no choice but to acquit. As Johnnie clearly showed, the panties did not fit.

Thank you for the kind words, Mr. Lee. Welcome to Pug Life.

Anonymous said...

The suspense is killing me!

JMG said...

I'm still eager to see how you became such a spiritual icon.

And congratulations--it seems that your following is growing larger each day!

Leslee said...

I hope the waiting doesn't cause your curly little tail to go straight from the stress! Be well my pug friend!

Bella said...

the artist that drew you on the stand should get many dog biscuits for her work. it is wonderful. however i am sad to see you on trial oh holy one. we need to band together and pray to the Great Ayatollah Mugsy.
With great respect,
Bella Rose
nun