Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Eve: Katy Perry performs

New Year's Eve: The bones come out

Praise Allah! Mother has just broken out a pair of new rawhide bones. 2009 is shaping up to be something truly special.

New Year's Eve: Struggling to stay awake

I am back, my flock. I ... just a moment ... WENDELL! Wake up! It's OK; you can open your eyes now -- Carrot Top is finished. My flock, it seems that my little brother was not impressed by the world's foremost prop comic. I must do something to liven up the party once again. It may be time to break out the Trivial Pursuit, and, God willing, some Beggin' Strips.

New Year's Eve: East Coast celebrates

We have just witnessed the New Year's celebration in New York on TV, along with an unsettling public display of affection by the late Dick Clark. Here in the central time zone, our celebration is only an hour away!

New Year's Eve: Change in plans

Please give a big hand to T.I. -- wasn't he wonderful? And remember: If you donate to the ministry, then we really can have whatever we like.

Moving along, I have some bad news to report. The Jonas Brothers had been scheduled to perform next, but they were apparently devoured by a group of overzealous prepubescent girls while on their way to the compound. All that remains of the trio is a fingerless glove and an ascot. This is tragic, truly tragic, my flock. But we cannot let this spoil our party! The Brothers Jonas would have wanted us to continue. So without further ado, please welcome the one and only Carrot Top and his bag of wacky props.

New Year's Eve: Ringing in 2009

Good evening, my flock. I am emceeing the ministry's New Year's Eve festivities, so I thought I would experiment with some live blogging from the event. It is not quite as ground-breaking as my live blogging from a garage sale, but it should be fun, God willing. We have a big crowd here at the ayatollah compound. Nearly dozens of revelers are drinking non-alcoholic beverages as they await the dawn of a new year. At the stroke of midnight, a tennis ball will drop, and Wendell will no doubt carry it around the house obsessively and attempt to bury it beneath the sofa cushions until mother takes it away. But that is still over an hour away. First, it is time for some live entertainment! Those of you reading along on the blog will have to use your imaginations, since you're not here in my living room to witness the festivities.

And now, I am pleased to present our first entertainer! Performing an edited, ministry-appropriate version of his hit song "Whatever You Like," here is T.I.!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Pug puppy cam

In honor of the impending birth of a new year, I present to you a new pug puppy cam:

Free video chat by Ustream

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Mugsy issues fatwa

I can stay silent no longer, my flock. Too many times now, I have turned on my television or radio and been astounded, nay, horrified by the awful advertising campaigns that now plague the airwaves. They have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa! But first, let me explain the problem now facing our society.

Exhibit A: Dr Pepper has been claiming for several months now that its beverage features 23 distinct flavors. This is absurd, my flock! Absurd!! Dr Pepper has one distinct flavor: It tastes like Dr Pepper! Even the youngest puppy could tell you that. Dr Pepper may have 23 ingredients, but not 23 flavors. Unless the baker was particularly inept, one does not bite into a cookie and say, "Oh, I taste the egg, and the flour, and the butter ..." No, once those ingredients are combined, the finished product tastes like a cookie!!! Dr Pepper does a disservice to all God-fearing humans and canines with this ridiculous slogan.

Exhibit B: Burger King recently unveiled an ad campaign in which it apparently sends camera crews to remote areas around the globe to conduct a taste test with villagers who have never sampled a hamburger. First of all, it seems highly improbable that Western consumers would care which burger these Third World denizens prefer. For all we know, these people may regularly eat dung beetles and wash them down with a blood-and-milk mixture. Different cultures have different tastes. Second, Burger King does not even reveal the results of these allegedly unbiased taste tests in its ads. Instead, the company asks TV viewers to visit its "Whopper Virgins" Web site to see what happens. Ignoring the obvious point that Burger King wouldn't promote a site in which the Big Mac was the overwhelming favorite, are we to believe that people are actually racing to their computers to visit I provided a link in the interest of completeness, but even I am not about to sit through some burger propaganda film. I have too much propaganda of my own to work on.

Exhibit C: In its radio ads, McDonald's has taken to labeling its chicken customers "Nug Nuts." This sounds quite a bit like "Lug Nuts," or "Numb Nuts" -- neither of which I would much like to be called. Do the Chicken McNugget consumers not suffer enough simply by dining at McDonald's? Must we really call them such a pejorative-sounding name? Has Ronald McDonald no decency?!?

I could go on and on, but I believe this gives you an idea of the severity of the problem. So I hereby issue a fatwa! Starting right now, I declare a moratorium on all terrible advertising campaigns. Those who dare to violate this binding religious decree will face immediate excommunication from Pug Life Ministries and be forced to wear a "Nug Nut" name tag for the rest of their lives.

Monday, December 15, 2008

A visit with Rabbi Jake

I have returned to my Texas compound after a sojourn in Oklahoma. While there, I met with the esteemed Rabbi Jake to discuss ways to raise money for the ministry in this down economy. He suggested that I remind last-minute holiday shoppers about the ministry's online gift shop, which can be found here. Our products are made of only the finest materials and are designed to hold up well in any locale, including shantytowns and soup kitchen lines. So spend with confidence, my flock.

While I met with Rabbi Jake in Norman -- home of new Heisman Trophy winner Sam Bradford, peace be upon him -- my parents drove to Tulsa to attend the birthday party of a 1-year-old. This was their second baby birthday party in less than a month, so clearly their social lives are on the upswing. But once again, they chose not to take Wendell and me along, thus depriving us of an opportunity to take advantage of the baby's messy cake-eating habits.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Mugsy seeks to avoid absurd rumors

I finally got around to seeing the summer blockbuster "The Dark Knight," catching the film at the local dollar theater. This seemed like a prudent way to conserve ministry funds. I had considered posting a review of the film, but I feared it might revive those silly rumors about me having a crime-fighting alter ego. But I did notice that in an odd coincidence, the brave Batpug has recently seen the movie as well, so maybe he'll have something to say about it.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Half-baked plot fails

Greetings, my flock. I have been away from my blog for several days, so I missed the opportunity to update you on a recent attack on ministry assets. Let me now tell you the sordid tale.

It was the day before Thanksgiving. Mother was driving near Dealey Plaza in downtown Dallas, returning to her suburban compound after a long day at work. As she turned to make her way toward the highway, an object slammed onto the windshield of her Toyota. It was a piece of pumpkin pie. Mother slammed on her brakes and looked all around, but no assailant was visible. Shaken, she returned home, leaving the evidence in place until she reached our driveway. I quickly dispatched a forensics team from the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) to conduct ballistics tests on the pie slice. Although the investigation is ongoing, some of ARF's top experts believe that there may have actually been a second pie thrower, hiding in a grassy knoll near the intersection. But we must wait for all the data to come in to make a final conclusion. God willing, we will bring the pie-wielding conspirator -- or conspirators, as the case may be -- to justice. It has been said that revenge is a dish that is best served cold, and this infidel will surely get his just desserts.

As horrific as this pie attack surely sounds to you, my flock, you must know that I have not yet told you the worst part. For after the forensics testing was completed, and after the pie sat out all night on the windshield, mother removed the evidence and simply tossed it in the garbage can. Without offering me or Wendell a single bite.