Monday, November 29, 2010

Surely Allah can't be serious

We at Pug Life Ministries mourn the loss of Leslie Nielsen, an honorary pug and one of the finest actors of our time. 

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Torture allegations surface

WASHINGTON (AP) -- International rights groups on Tuesday condemned Pug Life Ministries for engaging in an interrogation procedure that they called torture. 

Ayatollah Mugsy, the spiritual leader of Pug Life Ministries, announced his intentions late Monday to "slobberboard" a chew toySlobberboarding is a technique in which a person or chew toy is immobilized before having his or her face covered in slobber in a manner that simulates drowning. The technique is typically carried out by bulldogs, mastiffs and other drool-prone dog breeds. In Monday's case, however, the ayatollah said he planned to carry out the slobberboarding himself. 

Officials at the ministry did not return calls seeking comment. 

Slobberboarding has been a source of controversy since 2005, when then-Vice President Dick Cheney personally slobberboarded a suspected al-Qaeda terrorist at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Cheney insisted that slobberboarding was a benign, albeit somewhat unsanitary, form of interrogation and not a torture method. The American Civil Liberties Union filed a lawsuit on behalf of the prisoner, though a federal court has yet to rule in the case. The American Chewtoy Liberties Union said it was contemplating taking action in the latest case. 

In Washington, a spokesman for President Barack Obama declined to discuss the Pug Life controversy or to answer media questions about whether the United States still engages in slobberboarding. Vice President Joe Biden was believed to be crafting an embarrassing response. 

The hunt for justice

The ministry has recently found itself attacked by "phishermen," criminals who were angling to break into my Facebook account. This forced me to change my password and raise the ministry's collective hackles to DEFCON 3. The incident is reminiscent of the time when another infidel sought to take over the ministry's accounts. Needless to say, it did not end well for him.

The Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) has been out rounding up suspects, and I personally have taken on the task of interrogating an infidel chew toy. He hasn't talked yet, bound by the code of chew-toy Omerta. But I'm expecting his squeaker to loosen up a little when I move on to the next step: slobberboarding.