Thursday, September 30, 2010

Mugsy appears on Comedy Central Roast

LOS ANGELES (Variety) -- In perhaps the most bizarre scene on a TV series known for its bizarre moments, Wednesday's Comedy Central Roast of Ayatollah Mugsy became the first such event in which no insults were hurled at the show's guest of honor.

Instead, a host of comedians praised the radical canine cleric for his service to the community and his boundless wisdom. Guinness World Records reported that the broadcast set the record for most uses in an hour of the phrase "that's a good boy!"

Andrew "Dice" Clay started the evening off by offering a rare profanity-free set and then bowing before the pug as he asked if he could shake his hand. The imam held out until Clay fished around in his pocket and found a Snausage to offer. 

Prop comic Carrot Top brought a large chest full of toys and presented them as offerings to the ayatollah, whom he called his "spiritual leader and guiding light." Mugsy nodded graciously and accepted the gifts, which were believed to be bound for his younger brother Wendell. 

Midway through the show, it appeared that comedian Jim Norton would be the first to break the insult barrier. "You know how ugly the ayatollah is?" he asked, before appearing to glance at Mugsy's personal security detail, which included a dozen heavily armed bulldogs. "The ayatollah is ... aw, who am I kidding. This little guy is adorable -- I just want to pat his soft little head!"

Other highlights included Sarah Silverman begging for entrance into the cleric's harem, Craig Robinson performing an original musical composition in honor of Mugsy's appearance and Gilbert Gottfried rubbing the ayatollah's belly for the duration of his four-minute set.


This post is dedicated to comedian Greg Giraldo, who died Wednesday at age 44.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Mugsy recovers from surgery

Greetings, my flock. I come to you this weekend with a new line of stitches to affirm my legendary toughness. I went under the knife on Monday to have a tumor removed from my leg. The incision was near my knee, giving rise to concerns that my mobility might be affected. But as my recent leap onto father's lap in my favorite recliner shows, I am as resilient as ever. I am fully recovered from surgery, and I look forward to many more years leading the ministry. 

I want to thank my little brother Wendell for filling in as interim ayatollah on Monday. He showed remarkable acumen for such a young pup, putting down an attempted chew toy rebellion and leveraging the ministry's nuclear program to extort biscuits from the international community as if he were an old pro. I see a bright future for young Wendell, my flock. A bright future, indeed. Who knows -- he may even follow me into the clergy full-time. 

With all that said, there is one issue that concerns me greatly. While I was under the influence of anesthesia and dreaming about rawhide angels on Monday, the veterinarian cleaned my teeth. She found one that was loose and pulled it. But I have not received that tooth, my flock. It has vanished, leaving me no opportunity to summon the Tooth Fairy for a lopsided financial transaction. I scoured eBay, half-expecting to find it listed for a six-figure sum by an unscrupulous veterinary assistant. But there was no trace of my tooth. Now I am beginning to suspect that mother took it in the hopes of meeting her favorite silver-screen heartthrob. 

Would mother betray her eldest son for the chance to meet
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? And does she realize that
he is an actor and merely played the Tooth Fairy in a movie?

Monday, September 20, 2010

Wendell named interim ayatollah

I have placed Wendell in charge of the ministry for the day. If he asks you for a Milkbone, it would be prudent to comply. 

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Florida pastor seeks meeting with Mugsy

GAINESVILLE, Fla. (AP) -- The Rev. Terry Jones revealed the end game of his week-long drama late Friday when he said that his congregation would not burn copies of the Quran if he could get a free vacation and meet with enigmatic canine Muslim leader Ayatollah Mugsy.

Members of Jones' Dove World Outreach Center said the pastor simply wanted to pet the ayatollah's soft fur, as well as that of his younger brother Wendell. Congregants said Jones had not been allowed to have a dog growing up. 

"Actually, this explains a lot," said Gainesville psychiatrist Gloria Redd. 

In Washington, President Barack Obama scheduled a special news conference so that he could audibly breathe a sigh of relief. It was Obama's sixth time addressing the threatened Quran burning in the last five days. Aides said the White House would now consider addressing the nation's high unemployment rate. 

Jones boarded an airplane to Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport late Friday in the hopes of meeting Ayatollah Mugsy at his Dallas-area compound. But officials with the ayatollah's Pug Life Ministries hinted that the pug had no interest in meeting with Jones and, in fact, would rather welcome a circus of fleas to his hackles. 

"We don't even open the front door when those bicycle-riding, book-toting gentlemen in the nice clothing knock," said one top chew toy aide, who quacked on the condition of anonymity. "We're certainly not going to welcome an ill-mannered boor with a silly mustache into the house."

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Mugsy addresses planned Quran-burning

The pastor of a Florida church says his congregation plans to go through with its plan to burn Qurans on Sept. 11 despite the objections of Gen. David Petraeus, who warned that the action could endanger American troops.

Terry Jones, pastor of Dove World Outreach Church in Gainesville, says he wants to send a message to radical Muslims that America won't be controlled "by their fears and threats." Instead, he prefers to let his own fears and threats light the way. Jones says he is taking the general's warning seriously and understands that his actions could provoke violent opposition in Iraq and Afghanistan. But, apparently, a good book-burning is just too much fun to pass up. As an ayatollah who has gotten years of mileage (and toasty winter fireplaces) out of The Satanic Verses, I can sympathize. 

Oh, how angry I would be if
you purchased and burned
thousands of my bumper stickers
as well!
But the Nobel Peace Prize aspirant in me tells me there has got to be a better way. So I come before you today to offer a compromise solution. Mr. Jones, do not burn the holy Qurans. Instead, show your hatred of Muslims by burning posters of yours truly. Surely the image of my stern visage, my paw-printed turban and my Dogloo mosque will stir the pyromaniac fury of your congregation. Just imagine the sight of tens of thousands of Ayatollah Mugsy posters, crackling and blackening and curling, ashes tossed to the wind as your congregation roars its approval. And if you order today and choose premium shipping, they can all be at your church's doorstep by Sept. 11, in deluxe flammable packaging. Visit my online gift shop to take advantage of this special offer.