Monday, February 26, 2007

A mighty wind

Good morning, denizens of Pug Life. Today, I must tell you about a mighty wind. A mighty, relentless wind that some of you in this part of the country may have encountered over the weekend. The sky was a disturbing shade of brown as unending gusts battered the ayatollah compound, shearing trees and toppling basketball goals. This dust bowl was like something from The Grapes of Wrath. And truth be told, I strongly considered packing the family up in a jalopy and heading for California. Why did I stay? Because I feared the jalopy would be blown off the road.

We began to hear noises on the roof. One, then another. The electricity flickered on and off. Then we heard a crash. "I must go check on this," I barked, as I tethered my leash to a sturdy indoor object to avoid going airborne. Once outside, I meandered around debris and peered up at the roof. Sections of shingles were peeling away like the lid of a sardine can. "This is not good," I barked to myself as I rushed back inside. After placing a call to the insurance company to reserve my place in a long queue, I realized that there was nothing more I could do. For the next 10 hours or so, the tempest raged. The 60 mph winds continued to wreak havoc on my roof.

"If it must be replaced," I thought, "perhaps it can be improved upon." So I began to research. Ultimately, I decided that a replica of the Pantheon's dome would suit the compound well. True, I would have to stop leaving the mail on my kitchen's island, lest it be drenched in a downpour. But the aesthetic value would surely make up for any inconveniences caused by the hole in the roof. Now, I wonder if the homeowners' association will approve ...

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Support our troops

Press Release

February 21, 2007

Pug Life Patriots Embracing New Vehicle Ribbons

DALLAS -- Pug Life Ministries (NYSE: PUG) announced today the wild success of its new fawn-colored patriotic vehicle ribbons.

The ribbons help motorists remember the troops who are serving in the ongoing war against chew-toy aggression.

Made from 100 percent natural pug fur from Supreme Ayatollah Mugsy, the ministry's leader and spiritual beacon, the ribbons are available in a limited edition first printing of 500.

Some consumers have expressed dismay, unable to find the fast-selling symbols of canine nationalism.

So ministry officials, always attuned to the needs of the marketplace, say they are prepared to tap into the Ayatollah Compound's baseboards to attain enough fur for a second printing of 1,000 additional ribbons.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Spitting images?

Visit to try out this facial recognition Web site. The results can be rather interesting, if not altogether accurate. Frankly, I was shocked that Jude Law wasn't in my Top 8.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Is Cupid an infidel?

Happy Valentine's Day, my beloved flock. As I was being chauffeured to the mosque this morning, I heard a local radio host say that Muslims do not celebrate Valentine's Day. He cited as evidence a cleric in Indonesia who declared that it is forbidden to celebrate the holiday. Why this host would make such a blanket statement based on the pronouncement of one man, I do not know. Some Christians like to dance with poisonous snakes, yet I do not attribute such behavior to all of them. (However, on a side note, I am pleased to announce that Pug Life Ministries' new Christian Fundamentalist Serpent Handlers wing will conduct its first service on Feb. 25.)

If this radio host had been a regular reader of my blog, he would have seen the romantic poem I posted last year for the many Valentines in my harem. You see, it is true that Valentine's Day is not sanctioned in the Quran. But neither is it expressly forbidden.

What is the harm in celebrating this holiday? Clearly, there is none. As the Beatles once sang, "All you need is love." This is not true, of course, as love does not build lavish Dogloo-shaped religious shrines or gold-plated statues of a steed-mounted ayatollah. But love is certainly not a bad thing. I am a pug of great passion. I love the ladies of my harem. I love treats, which go paw in paw with Valentine's Day. And I even love an occasional flower, which -- in a pinch -- can be every bit as tasty as a treat.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Big Top Mugsy

I went to see Cirque du Soleil this weekend at Dallas' Fair Park, not far from the scene of my Cotton Bowl triumph last year. I really enjoyed the show, especially the first half. I was not really sure what to expect and thought that perhaps the performance would consist of naked Frenchmen eating baguettes and cartwheeling around the stage. I am pleased to report that there was none of that. Instead, Cirque du Soleil offered an often jaw-dropping feast for the eyes. Not quite as satisfying as a feast for the belly, perhaps, but not bad. Not bad at all.

The performers pulled off some amazing feats. Among the most impressive were some who got inside large rings (imagine a 7-foot-diameter hula hoop) and spun around the stage in a manner that would make even a newly bathed pug dizzy. The show also featured a tiny woman tethered to oversized helium-filled balloons who was batted around by the crowd like a beach ball.

For all its creativity and its vague storyline about a dead clown, Cirque du Soleil's Corteo was at its heart a circus. With acrobats and trapeze artists and clowns, it brought back memories of my own brief stint as a circus performer. The ups, the downs, the cameraderie. But I don't want to bore you; I am sure nobody in the congregation wants to hear about those bygone days.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Here comes the rain again

Many of you have no doubt heard about Punxsutawney Phil, the weather-forecasting groundhog. But did you know that there is a pug who predicts rainfall? And not only that, she is far more trustworthy than most TV meteorologists -- and certainly more so than any who wear bow ties. Today's lesson, class, is about Mattie the pug.

Mattie, a 6-year-old, made her annual prognostication at last Saturday's Pacific Northwest Rain Festival in Bellingham, Wash. Publicity chairperson Taimi Dunn Gorman told the Seattle Times that the event is "one of the shortest festivals in the world. An hour, maybe a little more. The pug is felt, then everyone heads off to drink or get something to eat."

And that is the highlight: The annual feeling of the pug (pictured above). As anxious festivalgoers watch with rapt attention, the event's Reigning Queen lifts Mattie from underneath an awning and thrusts her out into the elements. Mattie's fur is then felt for moisture. Wet fur means six more weeks of rain. But last week's event found Mattie with dry fur, and hence the Pacific Northwest can expect another seven weeks of rainfall.
In an affirmation of Mattie's uncanny prognosticating prowess, precipitation soon followed.
For more details on the festival, click here.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

The soundtrack of our lives

Let us all take a moment of silence for Frankie Laine. The "Rawhide" singer passed away Tuesday at age 93. He sang it; we canines live it. Peace be upon you, Frankie.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Peyton who?

The big day is finally here. It is time to marvel at the exploits of some of the world's elite athletes as they seek dominance on the gridiron. It is a time when legends are made. Yes, Puppy Bowl III begins at 2 p.m. central time today on Animal Planet. The game will be rebroadcast throughout the day. The network spares no expense in its presentation, using even submerged water-bowl cams to ensure that we get to see all the action. The Puppy Bowl will once again have a kitty halftime show, and afterward, the network will air a puppy tailgate party. May Allah watch over the participants, and may the best team win.