Monday, August 30, 2010

A league of our own

I am considering starting the first-ever Pug Life Ministries Fantasy Football League, with a prize from the ministry's gift shop going to the second-place finisher. (It would not be sporting of me to award a prize to my own team.) If you're interested in taking part, e-mail me or send me a message on Facebook

Monday, August 23, 2010

Mugsy visits Yellowstone

"The park seems so empty now that the ayatollah is gone," said one bison.

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK (AP) -- Three-thousand bison rallied Monday in the world's oldest national park, vowing to remember the lessons handed down to them by their spiritual leader Ayatollah Mugsy. 

The pug wrapped up his visit to Yellowstone and Grand Teton national parks late Sunday, returning to his Texas compound. He had announced his last-minute vacation plans only nine days earlier, declaring on a nationally televised broadcast dubbed "The Decision" and on his Facebook page that he would be "taking my talents to Yellowstone."

Over the course of a 3,500-mile road trip, the enigmatic canine cleric met with numerous bison, elk, deer, antelope, otter, wolf, coyote and bear followers. Officials with the ayatollah's Pug Life Ministries said that the journey was especially important because the park lacks Wi-Fi, leaving its animals unable to keep up with Mugsy's teachings online. 

Members of a bison family share a solemn moment of reflection.
As one bison sounded the call to prayer early Monday on a misty meadow, several of his cohorts blocked traffic to ensure that no humans interfered with the herd's solemn commemoration of the ayatollah's visit. They vowed to repeat the ceremony daily. The Old Faithful geyser was lowered to half-staff for the day to mark the pug's departure. 

Meanwhile, in nearby Jackson, Wyo., movie star Harrison Ford confirmed to the website that he had been granted an audience late last week with the ayatollah, whom he called "my spiritual guide and mentor." He said he had met with the religious icon and his younger brother Wendell at a popular pizza joint on Thursday. 

Mugsy's dinner was reportedly dictated by a divine sign.
"His Excellency said he saw a sign at Yellowstone that provided divine guidance as far as where we should eat," said Ford, 68. "I don't question the ayatollah; I was just honored to be in his presence. Calista [Flockhart, Ford's new wife] would have joined us, but she never eats on days that start with a 'T' or an 'S.'"

The eyes have it

Today, my flock, I had the most enormous glob of gunk covering my eye that the world has ever seen. God willing, it will fetch big bucks on eBay.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I plead the Fifth ...

SANTA FE, N.M. (Bloomberg News) -- Academy Award-winning actor Gene Hackman has gone missing, and police believe he may have been abducted by a Texas-based religious cult as part of an escalating feud with Lowe's Companies Inc. Hackman has done voiceover work for many of the home improvement retailer's television and radio ads.

Police say that a note found in the actor and novelist's Santa Fe home read simply: "We have Mr. Hackman. He will be returned once the spare bedroom is finished and we have received adequate monetary compensation." No fingerprints were found on the stationery, but police said there was a large amount of fur in the home's entryway. The Hackman family does not own any pets. 

Police believe the spare bedroom in question is at a place dubbed "the ayatollah compound," the home of canine cult leader Ayatollah Mugsy. Sgt. Mike Davis of the Santa Fe Police Department said that officers are working to obtain a search warrant but that they aren't sure of the ayatollah's street address. 

"We've heard reports that he lives in a secret lair on a private island off the West Coast, with a mountain carved in the image of his face," Davis said. "But that's all unconfirmed. The truth is, we don't know where to find this pug, or Mr. Hackman."

Representatives of the ayatollah's Pug Life Ministries have thus far refused to meet with police, asserting that they have sovereignty over their own affairs and are not bound by the laws of humans. The ministry last week launched a boycott of Lowe's, alleging shoddy service by carpet-installation workers affiliated with the store. 

Hackman, 80, said in 2008 that he had retired from acting. He has written three novels since 1999. 

Tom Gregory, a psychiatrist in Santa Fe, said that if the two-time Oscar winner had, indeed, been abducted by Ayatollah Mugsy, there was a very real danger of Stockholm Syndrome setting in. 

"This is a syndrome in which the kidnapped grow fond of their attackers -- something that I would consider highly likely with such a charismatic figure as the ayatollah," he said.

Friday, August 06, 2010

Legal challenge to the ministry

The ministry's gift shop has been named in a frivolous cease-and-desist letter, my flock. An infidel who has a trademark on a bowling design claims that it gives him dominion over all uses of the word "pinhead." If this were the case, he would be owed royalties by all who crossed his path and then muttered the word under their breath as they walked away from him. Though he clearly has much personal experience with being a pinhead, his knowledge of copyright and trademark law is sorely lacking. In short, my flock, he has picked a fight with the wrong pug. Not only have I passed the bar in Pugistan, but I have also served as judge, jury and executioner for countless chew toys. My team of legal beagles is researching relevant cases as we speak. God willing, this infidel will regret crossing Pug Life Ministries. It is time for some justice, ayatollah-style.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

You heard it here first

A new CNN poll shows that a quarter of Americans doubt that President Obama is a U.S. citizen. Perhaps the number would be higher if more humans read my blog, where I last year revealed the president's TRUE birth certificate. Spread the word, my flock!

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Lowe's: Let's boycott something together

FRISCO, Texas (AP) -- Tens of thousands of protesters spontaneously took to the streets of suburban Dallas on Tuesday morning in a show of solidarity with a fiery canine cleric and his boycott of home-improvement retailing giant Lowe's. 

At issue was a carpeting project at the secret compound of Ayatollah Mugsy. According to sources within the ayatollah's Pug Life Ministries, installers phoned early Tuesday to say that they had not ordered enough carpet and would have to return at a later date. This was a repeat of a carpeting installation project conducted mere weeks earlier, said ministry sources, who wished to remain anonymous. In the earlier project, Lowe's was contracted to install flooring in two rooms but only brought enough carpet for one. 

"That's just wrong!" said irate protester Mike Thompson. "If I order a burger at McDonald's, they don't tell me they'll have to bring me the bun next week. This kind of ineptitude has to be stopped!" 

Thompson was carrying a large placard that read "Lowe's Burn in Hell," and he was accompanied by his wife and three children. 

"I thought this was an important occasion, so I pulled my dumbest son out of summer school so that he could take part," Thompson said. "We have to stand up against injustice, in all its forms."

Protester Gloria Ramos echoed that sentiment. As she burned an effigy of Lowe's Companies Inc. Chairman and CEO Robert Niblock outside Stonebriar Centre mall, she led a crowd in chants of "Hey hey, ho ho, Lowe's infidels have got to go."

Police cordoned off the parking lots around the city's Lowe's store, and officers engaged in an uneasy standoff with a pack of angry terriers, some wielding torches and pitchforks. One Scottie dog was flicking a cigarette lighter and standing beside what appeared to be a Molotov cocktail. Officers called the situation volatile. 

"Those Lowe's idiots ... [expletive deleted] with the wrong pug," said Officer Frank Reynolds, a six-year veteran of the force. "And now we've gotta try to contain the mess."

The ayatollah, believed to be the unchallenged leader of the world's largest interfaith, interspecies ministry, had not appeared in public to protest as of Wednesday morning, but he was believed to be hard at work behind the scenes organizing a boycott of the retailer. Share's of Lowe's (NYSE: LOW) were plunging fast, down 2.44 percent on news of the boycott as of 10 a.m. Wednesday. 

A ministry source said Ayatollah Mugsy "sneezed in the general direction of Lowe's," strong words indicating the depths of the canine cleric's ire. The pug, 9, led a crippling boycott of Comcast in 2005 that produced a major shakeup of the corporate board and nearly forced the telecommunications giant into bankruptcy.