Sunday, February 14, 2010

Mugsy condemns secret admirer

It is Valentine's Day, and love is in the air. Unfortunately, some of this affection is creepy and wholly unwelcome. So I must now condemn, in the strongest possible terms, an apparent secret admirer.

This admirer first came to my attention during the middle of last week, when I received two text messages from an unfamiliar phone number in close succession. I opened the first and found a pink-and-red heart background with a long love letter in Spanish. Annoying music began to play as I looked at this message in bewilderment. After turning the volume down, I opened the second message and found an animated photo. It began with a row of scantily clad men and then quickly showed them all fully nude. I gasped in horror and quickly closed my phone. At what point did I send out signals that I wanted to receive pornographic text messages from any admirers? The proper answer, my flock, is "never."

Even worse, I opened these messages in my workplace. Imagine the scandal that could have ensued had a colleague at the mosque glanced over my shoulder and seen a row of naked men on my cell phone. What kind of infidel would send such an image to a pug of the cloth?

I notified the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) and told them to be on high alert, and then I went back about my business leading the world's largest interfaith, interspecies ministry. Perhaps it was a wrong number, I thought. English, Arabic, Farsi and Pug Latin are my primary languages -- not Spanish. But on Friday evening, my phone chimed again. I looked at the screen and saw a message saying that there wasn't enough available space to download the attachment. The phone number was the same as before. Given this infidel's proclivity for sharing pornography and attempting to court members of the animal kingdom, I shudder to think what kind of video or other type of file this attachment might be. Needless to say, I did not open it.

Now Valentine's Day has arrived, and every time the phone rings, I fear I will answer to find a man on the other end saying, "Hola, mi perro amor." If such a thing happens, my flock, I will growl.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Most Valuable Puppy

Congratulations are in order for Puppy Bowl VI MVP Jake, a pug/Chihuahua mix. In a contest filled with big plays and a gutsy onside-sniff call, the diminutive pup stood tall, winning both the judges' and the fans' vote as Most Valuable Puppy. Given his pedigree as an alumnus of All Star Pet Rescue in Linden, N.J., perhaps it's no surprise that the Philadelphia-area resident claimed top honors. He displayed incredible athleticism throughout the game and sealed his team's victory with a late-game interception of Archie Manning's 12-week-old dachshund. Jake is now said to be considering pursuing a career in modeling or acting. Good idea, Jake -- strike while the iron's hot. And please do not forget to tithe 10 percent of your earnings to the ministry.

To view some of Jake's highlights from the big game, click here. And to see some of the action on the slippery midfield logo, as well as the innovative use of a hamster-piloted blimp in Sunday's game, click here.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Groundhog Day controversy

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. (AP) -- Punxsutawney Phil, the famed groundhog known for weather prognostication, was embroiled in a rare controversy Tuesday after he reportedly saw his shadow. The groundhog's declaration, made public via text-messaging and Twitter, means six more weeks of winter, according to legend.

But several witnesses disputed Phil's account, saying that no shadow was visible when the groundhog was pulled from his burrow. Fox News anchor Geraldo Rivera went so far as to say that the furry mammal had "sinister motives." His Fox News colleague Glenn Beck speculated that the groundhog was somehow aligned with early 20th-century progressives in a plot to freeze America.

The controversy took another odd twist late Tuesday when the Securities and Exchange Commission confirmed that it was investigating several suspicious trades involving natural gas and heating oil companies on the New York Stock Exchange. The inquiry reportedly centers on the groundhog's winter conversion to Islam and his involvement with Ayatollah Mugsy, the enigmatic leader of Pug Life Ministries. The ayatollah, a pug, did not return calls seeking comment.

One SEC official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that the ministry made several equity purchases in the weeks leading up to Groundhog Day of companies that would benefit from a prolonged winter. The Associated Press was able to confirm that Devon Energy, the largest U.S.-based natural gas producer, is among the ministry's largest holdings.

"We believe that the groundhog, in coordination with his spiritual adviser, Ayatollah Mugsy, is trying to prolong the winter weather for financial gain," the SEC source said. "They stand to profit from an extended cold snap and the accompanying use of natural gas-powered home heaters. But prosecuting an animal under insider-trading laws is a very fuzzy area, to say the least."

Friends and relatives of Phil have said that the groundhog became aware of the ayatollah's teachings after being given a BlackBerry by the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club so that he could text his shadow findings and update his Twitter page. The groundhog reportedly spent the last two months exchanging regular e-mails with Ayatollah Mugsy and undergoing intense religious instruction.