Sunday, August 17, 2008

Michael Phelps suffers stunning loss

BEIJING (AP) -- Michael Phelps' bid for a record ninth gold medal in the Beijing Olympics was foiled early Sunday by Eagle the Pug, who set a world record in the 100-meter dog paddle.

Phelps was undefeated in these Games before he went up against the Texas pug, who was swimming as a member of the Pugistani team. Eagle had actually posted better times than Phelps in two previous races -- the 200-meter freestyle and 100-meter butterfly -- but was disqualified because of improper form.

Eagle was in his element in the dog paddle, however, finishing the race in 1 minute, 35 seconds to top his previous world record by 1.5 seconds. Analysts noted that Eagle pulled off the upset win despite being the furriest competitor in the otherwise clean-shaven field.

Eagle and his brothers Ranger and Flyer are the heavy favorites in Monday's 3x100-meter dog paddle relay, which could make Eagle the first two-time medalist from the breakaway republic of Pugistan. In addition to swimming the anchor leg for the team, Eagle is also the coach.

Ayatollah Mugsy, the iron-pawed ruler of Pugistan and supreme ayatollah of Pug Life Ministries, released a statement praising Eagle as a national hero. "In the true spirit of amateur athletics, all who witnessed this amazing feat will surely be moved to donate to the ministry's coffers," Mugsy said.


WATCH THE VIDEO to see Eagle barking orders during the relay team's training.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Wendell goes for the gold

BEIJING (AP) -- Shaking off an injured paw and a poor start, Wendell the Pug roared back Saturday to win the first gold medal for Pugistan in the 100-meter run.

Wendell, the younger brother of religious icon Ayatollah Mugsy, tore off his plastic neck cone as he walked to the starting blocks, showing no ill effects from a recent foot infection. The more than 90,000 fans in attendance roared in approval as Wendell began to yip at his competitors in an apparent bid to psych them out.

After the race began, Wendell ran in three tight circles around the starting line, falling behind by at least 15 meters. But then he tucked his tail and took off like a rocket, blazing past silver-medalist Usain Bolt of Jamaica and shattering the world record with a time of 8 seconds.

Bronze medalist Richard Thompson of Trinidad and Tobago filed a protest after the race, alleging that Wendell was too young to compete. The dog's official Pugistani birth certificate, which bore a fresh price tag from Kinko's, indicated that he was 38 years old, but observers pointed to ample evidence that Wendell was still a puppy. Still, the International Olympic Committee, known for turning a blind eye to evidence of rules violations, was expected to rule in Wendell's favor.

"The IOC made no move against the Chinese women's gymnastics team," said TV broadcaster Mary Carillo, referring to another age scandal at these Olympic Games. "And if you recall the old East German women's teams, the IOC overlooked clues like 5 o'clock shadow and bulging adam's apples. I think Wendell's medal is safe."

As Wendell walked to the podium to accept his medal, there was a brief controversy over which song to play. Pugistan, a disputed territory in the American Southwest, does not have a formal national anthem. The nation's ruling junta ultimately decided on "Dogs Barking Jingle Bells" as Pugistan's temporary anthem.

Wendell accepted his medal and then raised his right paw in a black-pug power salute. It was a show of defiance, and an announcement that Pugistan had arrived on the international sporting stage.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Bad news for Pugistan?

BEIJING (AP) -- One of the leading gold-medal contenders for the upstart Pugistani Olympic delegation was rumored to be ailing Friday, a day ahead of his bid to win the 100-meter dash.

An undated photo showing 1-year-old sprinter Wendell with a cone around his neck appeared in China's state-run media Friday. It was reported that Wendell may have had a minor foot injury that could keep him from competing. The pug, known for his blazing speed, had been considered the top challenger to American Tyson Gay in the event.

The Pugistani Olympic Committee, led by the enigmatic Ayatollah Mugsy, declined to comment. But experts said Wendell's medal hopes could take a big hit if he isn't fully healed by race time.

"I've got major concerns for Wendell," said Carl Lewis, a former track star and 10-time Olympic medalist. "That cone would severely impact his aerodynamic profile."

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Phelps spanks the competition, and Bush ... um ...

Hi, everybody. Wendell here with your Olympics update. Michael Phelps is the big story so far, winning a record 11th gold medal. And he's not done yet. Can he finish the sweep and grab eight gold medals in these Summer Games? Only time will tell -- but I hear there's some tough competition ahead. The small Pugistani delegation has yet to have its first competitor, but when we do, watch out. Oh, and Mugsy told me to fill you in on all the big news out of Beijing, but .. I don't know what President Bush was up to. You'll have to write your own caption for this one.

Friday, August 08, 2008

And the first gold medal goes to ...

Hey, everybody. Wendell here. Big Brother Mugsy asked me to keep an eye on the Olympics and post all the major stories here, so for the duration of the Games, I'll be reporting to you from Beijing. The first gold medal has already been awarded -- to a human. Katerina Emmons (above) from the Czech Republic won the 10-meter air rifle competition. The Pugistani delegation thought the Olympic Games were just for actual sports and not children's toys, so we didn't have an athlete in this event. That's OK, though. Soon enough, we'll get in on the action. Although Emmons captured the gold, the biggest story out of this event came when the gold-medal favorite, American Ralphie Parker, shot his eye out. Get well soon, kid.

Abundant excess

Even if I were allowed to crawl into my sizable food bin (and don't think I haven't tried), I could not possibly be more bloated than the opening ceremony of the Olympics.

Let the Games begin

The Quran warns us against being prideful, my flock. And so today is a difficult day for me. As the Summer Olympics open in the ancestral homeland of the Chinese pug, I cannot help but feel proud of the first-ever Pugistani delegation to the Games. Reaching this point has not been easy. There was political intrigue, as rival nations tried to exclude our canine brothers from the competition. And there were allegations of performance-enhancing drugs. The tension in the air at yesterday's IOC meeting was so thick that you could cut it with a knife -- much like the actual, soot-filled air of Beijing. But I made my final appeal, and the Olympic committee voted to grant the Pugistani delegation full access. Allahu akbar! God willing, our collars will soon be weighted down with gold medals.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Garage sale: Packing it in

Another infidel driveby! We can take no more, my flock. We are dragging our five items of actual value back into the garage. Any who drive by for the rest of the day will find a driveway full of free items. Please, take it. Take it all ...

This has been Ayatollah Mugsy, bringing you a historic live blogging event. Until next time, you stay classy, Pugistan.

Garage sale: The blue suitcase

Nearly every woman who stops takes a look at our little blue suitcase box, which can be had for the low, low price of only $1. But they all put it down and move along. I blame the weak economy and depleted value of the dollar. Garage sales, it seems, are the silent victims of this recession. If only we could truck our goods to Canada to take advantage of the strong loonie ...

Garage sale: Great success!

A kindly old woman took pity on us and purchased $7 worth of fine merchandise. This will go straight to the Dogloo mosque fund. Only $999,999,993 to go.

Garage sale: Rejected

Not only did they buy nothing, but the little girl refused to say goodbye. I sense that the ducks across the street are laughing at us.

Garage sale: Dry spell ending?

Yes! Someone stopped! Praise Allah!!

Garage sale: Economics lesson

Making $5 an hour: Not good.

Making $5 an hour in 100-degree heat: Even worse.

Someday, the humans will figure this out.

Garage sale: Mugsy condemns drive-bys

They slow down, 7 mph, or perhaps 5. They gaze down their noses as they round the corner. Then they speed away, insulting us with their exhaust fumes. Infidels ...

Garage sale: Bargains go unnoticed

We are nearly four hours in, and still nobody has claimed any of our free items. That is right, my flock, the price tags on our treadmill and rickety weight bench both simply say "free." Could the ministry possibly be any more generous? Will I have to start taping dollar bills to these items to make it worthwhile for someone to claim them? Because I am not above such tactics.

Allah, we pray that we do not have to lug this junk, er, these treasures back inside.

Garage sale: The chicken dance

We have just sold a set of glassware. After some tense negotiations, we agreed to go from $3 to $2. This latest pair of ladies was accompanied by two children, who found our stuffed chicken that dances and plays the chicken dance to be immensely entertaining. Unfortunately, the elders did not take notice. For only $2, they could have given their children a lifetime of laughs. But they instead chose to ignore the cheers of pure joy and herded their now heartbroken girls back into their pickup truck.

We know who won't be winning Pug Life's Parent of the Year Award.

Mugsy experiments with live blogging

You may have seen, from time to time, live blogging from major events. The Oscars, the Super Bowl, a presidential inauguration -- all have had their share of play-by-play analysis posted live on the Web. Now, Pug Life Ministries brings you a first: live blogging from a garage sale.

Stay tuned; excitement surely awaits.