Saturday, March 27, 2010

Octomom: Do as I say, not as I do

Nadya Suleman, who gained fame as the "Octomom" after giving birth to a litter about the same size as my brother Wendell's, has teamed up with PETA to fight pet overbreeding. Or to line her pockets, but let's not quibble over small kibble. For the sum of $5,000 and a month's supply of vegetarian meals, the Octomom agreed to display a sign reading, "Don't let your dog or cat become an 'octomom.' Always spay or neuter." 

It's sound advice -- advice that I hope my harem will heed. 

Monday, March 22, 2010

Mugsy laments expanded health insurance

Well, my flock, it has happened: The much-discussed health care overhaul is now the law of the land. The signs are already apparent. Earlier today, I saw a crew surveying a plot of land not far from the compound. I can only surmise that they were preparing to build one of the many eldercution camps that will spring up across this once-great land of ours to remove unhealthy seniors from the Medicare rolls. Federal agents are sure to be out in force looking for older Americans in all the most likely locations. If I were over 65 and wanted to avoid euthanasia, I would avoid Luby's and Furr's cafeterias like the plague whose treatment will now be covered for a slightly bigger slice of the American public. (Though, for 2010, only children with bubonic plague will be covered if it's a pre-existing condition. Uninsured adults must try to hold out a bit longer.) 

After witnessing the surveyors' sickening scene, I went shopping for rawhide at Wal-Mart. I thought a bone might boost my spirits. There, I encountered long lines and a miserable wait reminiscent of the Soviet Union, circa 1980. (Though this was Wal-Mart, where they typically only open another cashier lane when the line reaches the deli area, so this may have been a coincidence. But I doubt it.) 

On the drive home, I spotted a carpenter openly carrying a hammer -- in broad daylight! It was such a brazen act, a slap in the face to our nation's founding fathers and small-business owners. It's only a matter of time before he gains the confidence to proudly display his sickle, too.  

Yes, my flock, with the stroke of President Barack Obama's pen, America's transformation into a communist nation is complete. If the projections are correct, an additional 12 percent of Americans will have health insurance, joining the tens of millions who have been covered by government-subsidized health care in Medicare and Medicaid since the mid-1960s, during a time when this country was a beacon of capitalism and freedom and goodness. 

But that golden era has passed, just as the golden years will so quickly pass for our seniors as government death panels pull their plugs. In short, we are all doomed. But at least we can take comfort in the knowledge that roughly 5 percent of Americans will still lack coverage under this sweeping socialization project. And that the great American tradition of overreaction endures. 

This could be hard to explain ...

Mother has been cleaning out the refrigerator quite aggressively. I pray that she doesn't stumble across any cryogenically frozen U.N. nuclear inspectors

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Seeing green

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody! Now let's celebrate with some green rawhide. 

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Back at the compound

Greetings, my flock. I am back in my throne at the ayatollah compound after my trip to New York. My return was delayed when I was detained for several days at LaGuardia Airport by the Transportation Security Administration. They claimed that I was being held because I had more than 3 ounces of liquid in my carry-on water bowl, but I strongly suspect that I was the victim of racial and religious profiling. Janet Napolitano, you will be hearing from my attorney.

Friday, March 05, 2010

Mugsy takes a bite out of the Big Apple

Greetings, my flock. I come to you today from Long Island City, Queens, the ministry's temporary base of operations in New York, where I have set up an inflatable Dogloo-mosque tent at a friend's apartment. But before I regale you with tales of the Empire State, I must briefly touch upon a pair of milestone events in the weekends leading up to my departure. I have missed many fine blogging opportunities in recent weeks, among them:

  • The NBA All-Star Weekend in Dallas, where I rubbed elbows with such luminaries as Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley, Dwyane Wade and Biz Markie, and where my long-limbed and ultra-athletic brother Wendell received a contract offer from the lowly New Jersey Nets. "No thanks," he told them. "I think I'll stick with a winner in Pug Life Ministries."
  • A convention of "furries" in Dallas the following weekend, where hundreds of people dressed like massive chew toys descended upon the region. The local newspaper even wrote a story about it, eliciting much snickering among the populace. But I sensed a possible dark undercurrent. Could this fusion of human and chew toy be a threat to the ministry? I had to investigate. So Wendell and I went undercover, into the heart of the furry beast. Unfortunately, our night ended early when Wendell was arrested on an aggravated assault charge and officers had to use the Jaws of Life to pry him from the leg of a 7-foot-tall teddy bear's leg. The ministry is accepting donations for Wendell's legal defense fund.
This brings us to our present trip to New York City. Wendell's parole officer felt that some time away would do the pup some good, and I had an invitation from The Late Show with David Letterman, so we stowed away in our parents' carry-on luggage last weekend and flew to New York. The region was only hours removed from its latest blizzard when we touched down at LaGuardia, but the runways and sidewalks were mostly clear by the time I arrived. I like to think it's because they knew I was coming.

Since our arrival, we have been busy taking in the many sights and smells and, yes, tastes of New York. So here, in honor of Mr. Letterman, is a Top 10 list of our trip so far.

10 We went up to the observation deck of the Empire State Building for a bird's-eye view of the city. The Top of the Rock at Rockefeller Center, which we visited on a previous trip, probably has a better overall view, but there's still satisfaction to be gained anytime a fur-covered creature successfully scales the Empire State Building without taking hostile fire from a gaggle of biplanes.

9 We built a snowpug in Central Park, which just a couple of days earlier had received 21 inches of snowfall.

8 We witnessed an apparent snowman murder scene in that very same park, complete with yellow crime-scene tape, two pink-iced victims and an ax-wielding snowman. This sight prompted me to immediately go into CSI: Snowman mode, as I began to carefully document the crime scene with my camera and conduct spatter analysis. The ax-wielding fellow is currently a snowperson of interest.

7 We visited the Frick Collection near Central Park, an art museum set in an early 1900s mansion.

6 We toured the Federal Reserve Bank in Lower Manhattan and descended 70 feet below street level to see tens of billions of dollars in gold bars. Sadly, my request for a free sample was denied.

5 We sampled some massive cupcakes from Crumbs bakery.

4 Our wonderful hostess for this trip, let's call her The German, gave us a guided nighttime automobile tour of Brooklyn and Manhattan. It was a new vantage point for us usually pedestrian pugs, and after a long day of walking, it was nice to cross the Brooklyn Bridge and see the city lights from the heated comfort of her rented Toyota (which, with the help of my prayers, was able to brake successfully at all stoplights).

3 We attended Wednesday night's Big Terrific comedy show in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. The weekly show features writers from The Colbert Report and Saturday Night Live as well as comedians who have appeared on Comedy Central and VH1. And did I mention that it's free and held in a tiny room behind a bar/restaurant? I highly recommend it to anyone who's in the area and likes to laugh. I typically don't, but I made an exception in this instance.

2 We've thus far attended three Broadway shows: God of Carnage, a so-so comedic play starring Jimmy Smits, Annie Potts and Christine Lahti; Chicago, an excellent musical featuring one of the non-Beyonce members of Destiny's Child; and A View From the Bridge, a fantastic Arthur Miller play starring Liev Schreiber and Scarlett Johansson. If my efforts to woo Ms. Johansson to the harem prove successful, this may move to No. 1 on the list.

1 My appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman, alongside the brilliant Jerry Seinfeld and the crusty my-generation-is-better-than-yours bore Tom Brokaw.