Lowe's: Let's boycott something together

FRISCO, Texas (AP) -- Tens of thousands of protesters spontaneously took to the streets of suburban Dallas on Tuesday morning in a show of solidarity with a fiery canine cleric and his boycott of home-improvement retailing giant Lowe's. 


At issue was a carpeting project at the secret compound of Ayatollah Mugsy. According to sources within the ayatollah's Pug Life Ministries, installers phoned early Tuesday to say that they had not ordered enough carpet and would have to return at a later date. This was a repeat of a carpeting installation project conducted mere weeks earlier, said ministry sources, who wished to remain anonymous. In the earlier project, Lowe's was contracted to install flooring in two rooms but only brought enough carpet for one. 


"That's just wrong!" said irate protester Mike Thompson. "If I order a burger at McDonald's, they don't tell me they'll have to bring me the bun next week. This kind of ineptitude has to be stopped!" 


Thompson was carrying a large placard that read "Lowe's Burn in Hell," and he was accompanied by his wife and three children. 


"I thought this was an important occasion, so I pulled my dumbest son out of summer school so that he could take part," Thompson said. "We have to stand up against injustice, in all its forms."


Protester Gloria Ramos echoed that sentiment. As she burned an effigy of Lowe's Companies Inc. Chairman and CEO Robert Niblock outside Stonebriar Centre mall, she led a crowd in chants of "Hey hey, ho ho, Lowe's infidels have got to go."


Police cordoned off the parking lots around the city's Lowe's store, and officers engaged in an uneasy standoff with a pack of angry terriers, some wielding torches and pitchforks. One Scottie dog was flicking a cigarette lighter and standing beside what appeared to be a Molotov cocktail. Officers called the situation volatile. 


"Those Lowe's idiots ... [expletive deleted] with the wrong pug," said Officer Frank Reynolds, a six-year veteran of the force. "And now we've gotta try to contain the mess."


The ayatollah, believed to be the unchallenged leader of the world's largest interfaith, interspecies ministry, had not appeared in public to protest as of Wednesday morning, but he was believed to be hard at work behind the scenes organizing a boycott of the retailer. Share's of Lowe's (NYSE: LOW) were plunging fast, down 2.44 percent on news of the boycott as of 10 a.m. Wednesday. 


A ministry source said Ayatollah Mugsy "sneezed in the general direction of Lowe's," strong words indicating the depths of the canine cleric's ire. The pug, 9, led a crippling boycott of Comcast in 2005 that produced a major shakeup of the corporate board and nearly forced the telecommunications giant into bankruptcy. 

OK, here's the situation ...

Don't forget to tune in to the season premiere of Jersey Shore on Thursday, when Wendell and I will be making a very special guest appearance. In the episode, Wendell moves to Miami and falls in with the wrong crowd. He styles his fur into a "blowout" haircut, injects copious amounts of steroids and spends eight hours a day dancing and paw-pumping at a South Beach club. My only option for saving him is to go undercover and infiltrate the "Guido" subculture, so I apply fake tanner until my fur is orange and head to Florida to win Wendell's redemption. Along the way, I'll lecture Snooki and The Situation on morality, and I may even find true love with J-Woww. Don't miss it, my flock!

Profiles in narcissism

I wanted to write this sermon yesterday, but I didn't have time. That is all right, however. As it turns out, the events of today have only confirmed my earlier thoughts: LeBron James is a raging egomaniac who's lost all touch with reality. 


It's not often that I -- the pug, the myth, the legend -- have occasion to call someone an egomaniac. But in this instance, the high-top sneaker clearly fits. The basketball player wrapped up his year-long spectacle tonight by announcing that he'd leave his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers to play for the Miami Heat. I don't begrudge anyone their choice of where and how to earn a living. But the way James handled the process was obscene and classless. 


Rather than merely signing a contract and announcing his decision, James felt he had to make a splash. His elevated sense of self-worth would not allow the self-proclaimed "king" to accept a job offer like a mere commoner. (His first post on his new Twitter page this week read "Hello World, the Real King James is in the Building 'Finally.'" Maybe that little social networking site will catch on now that his royal highness has deigned to grace it with his presence.) After requiring all his NBA suitors to come to him for meetings at his Cleveland office, James set up an hour-long, prime-time TV special on ESPN dubbed "The Decision." "The," because in LeBron's warped world, it was the only decision that mattered. 

While James was busy earlier this week announcing that he would ... announce, a younger superstar who is arguably already LeBron's equal in terms of talent humbly accepted a boatload of money for a contract extension in Oklahoma City. Kevin Durant's announcement came on his Twitter page: "Exstension for 5 more years wit the #thunder....God Is Great, me and my family came a long way...I love yall man forreal, this a blessing!"


OK, so his spelling isn't the greatest. But the youngest-ever NBA scoring champ has the sweetest jump shot in the league and arms a mile long to go with his great attitude and humble demeanor, so we shall let that slide. The point is, Durant expressed gratitude for the opportunities he's been given. He's a team player who doesn't put himself on a pedestal. The wallpaper on his Twitter page pictures his teammates but not himself. If I were starting a franchise, I'd take Durant over LeBron in a heartbeat.


But back to LeBron James, a player who's never won a championship and seemed to already have his foot out the door as his Cavaliers were embarrassed in the playoffs this year, and my assertion that he's lost touch with reality. When he announced the hour-long TV special, I thought it was a virtual lock that he would return to the Cavaliers. How could a decent human being possibly go on such a forum on national TV and rub his decision in the faces of all the Ohioans who had supported him and cheered him since he was a boy? In the faces of his teammates and the front office that put together the league's best regular-season team this year? Surely if he were going anywhere else, he'd put aside the spectacle and exit his hometown with some dignity. But the Akron native was oblivious to this obvious notion, blinded by his ego. An ego that told him that everyone watching on TV loved King James as much as he loved himself.


I'm sure they love LeBron in South Beach right now, but expect the backlash to be severe elsewhere. As the recent July Fourth holiday reminded us, this country doesn't take kindly to kings.  

Ministry rebuilding after flood

My flock, I come to you today with a heavy heart and soggy paws. As some of you know, the ayatollah compound was recently befallen by a series of household disasters. What began with a broken toilet line and a 100-year indoor flood was followed by pestilence, famine and a swarm of june bugs. The heavy-duty dehumidifying equipment and fans in the compound to clear out all the water caused a power surge that zapped our air conditioner, Internet cables and microwave (hence, the famine). While all this was going on, a "deep-cover" Pugistani spy ring was also compromised by the authorities, but fortunately, the feds do not seem to grasp what they have come across. 


We are gradually restoring order to the compound, my flock. A series of chew-toy riots have been quelled. The leaders of this uprising apparently thought they could take advantage of the situation, but my brother Wendell and I have put them in their place and spilled their cotton as a warning to others who would seek to throw off the yoke of chew-toy servitude. I rule this empire with an iron paw! And as much as I despise bathtime, no amount of moisture will change that. 


Our air conditioner was restored, with the thermostat reading 98 degrees as it blinked back to life -- not a moment too soon. Our Internet connection is now back online, and other repairs will be scheduled in the coming days and weeks. 


It will not be easy, my flock, but the ministry will rebuild. To cover the cost of repairs, I am organizing a telethon. I urge you all to donate to this most worthy cause. In closing, please view these wrenching images of the ayatollah compound, taken during the height of the flooding crisis, and let your heartstrings and your purse strings be tugged upon in an appropriate manner.

Perhaps the Nobel committee desires a revote

This sounds serious: Al Gore's accuser has invoked the legendary virility of the poodle.

Mugsy praises censorship

I am pleased to see that our brothers in Pakistan are taking steps to stamp out online blasphemy. God willing, this scourge will be stopped.

Wendell's new vocation

My little brother Wendell has asked me to spread the word about his new blog, The Capitalist Pug. It seems that young Wendell has become a financial guru -- who knew? He tells me that he was inspired by Bernie Madoff. I'm proud of him for taking the initiative and entering this new career phase. I always hoped he'd follow my pawsteps into the clergy, but I'm sure he'll do a fine job as a financial adviser. He's even offering free advice -- you can e-mail him your questions or post them on his blog. Just keep in mind Wendell's disclaimers. He is a 2-year-old pug, after all. 


Best of luck, Wendell. And do not forget to advise the "small people" to tithe.

Mugsy comments on World Cup

I've been trying to get into watching the World Cup, even though the Pugistani team didn't qualify after Wendell received two yellow cards for urinating on the soccer ball. But it's been difficult. I know this is the world's most popular sport, but that doesn't mean it's perfect. In fact, there's one big flaw: The fact that so many matches end in draws. As the saying goes, a tie is like kissing your litter-mate. 


It offends my competitive nature to see players celebrating wildly after a tie -- after they've played 90 minutes and won nothing. New Zealand managed a 1-1 tie against Italy on Sunday, and the Kiwi coach was practically gushing. "It’s the most incredible result we’ve had across the board," coach Ricki Herbert said. "As a football coach, it’s way above anything we’ve achieved in the history of the game. We are always daring to dream. At the World Cup anything is possible — we’ve seen some strange results — but nothing as big as that one.”


Seriously, coach? A 1-1 tie is the grandest achievement in your nation's athletic history? Can anyone imagine hearing such nonsense uttered about one of the more popular sports in America? I can picture the conversation now:

Fan No. 1: "Remember when Joe Montana hit Dwight Clark in the back of the end zone for "The Catch" to seal a 27-27 tie in the NFC Championship Game? That was amazing!"

Fan No. 2: "Yeah, that gave me goosebumps to see the final score all tied up like that, with both the Niners and the Cowboys advancing to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl. But for me, the greatest moment in sports history was when injured center Willis Reed came limping onto the court in Game 7 of the 1970 NBA Finals and willed the Knicks to a 113-113 draw and a share of the championship. I was so happy that neither team lost!" 

My flock, I struggle to take seriously a sport that so often fails to produce a winner. This is why we play games, is it not? To win? So the World Cup has left me no choice but to issue a fatwa!

By the power of my binding religious decree, I hereby declare that the powers that be in soccer must look into a revolutionary concept called "overtime." And they also must immediately seize all those annoying vuvuzelas from fans and hand them over to the local canines to be used as chew toys. 

Mugsy diverts mosque funds for home project

I have just spent two hours locked outside as two strange men ripped up the flooring of the ayatollah compound and carted it off in their van, no doubt to sell on eBay for its value as a religious relic. The carpet was more than a decade old and showing its age. Plus, Wendell had run out of places to mark after his wild puppyhood. God willing, he will take his time before starting on this new canvas. We think he is finally past that stage.


Unfortunately, the infidels from Lowe's did not order enough carpet, so they will have to make another trip. Which means I may find myself locked outside or otherwise confined yet again. Lowe's treads perilously close to a fatwa and boycott, my flock. Perilously close. 


Still, I must admit that I'm satisfied with the new-look living room. 

P.S. -- Many thanks to my friends for their help moving the furniture yesterday. You have surely reserved a spot for yourselves in Heaven. Now the next time you visit, we can put you to work replacing that decrepit fence in the back yard ...

Memorial Day weekend

The ayatollah compound has seen a whirl of activity this weekend, with five houseguests visiting from far-off locales. Among other things, they introduced the ayatollah clan to bocce, adding fuel to Wendell's ball obsession. Our guests are planning to depart today, and I wish them all a safe journey home. And I pray that they will drop just a little bit more food on the floor before they go.

Whatchu talkin' bout, Allah?

Today, the world lost a legend. The great Gary Coleman has passed away. His charm, charisma and impeccable comedic timing made him a star in the late 1970s and 1980s. Unlike many series of that period, Diff'rent Strokes has stood the test of time. The episodes still hold up, at least those that were shot before the introduction of that red-headed, country-music-singing infidel Sam. And in truth, even the Great Fire-Haired Satan couldn't completely bring the show down, as long as Coleman got to deliver a few one-liners. 

Gary Coleman made me smile. He made me laugh. And today, his passing makes me sad. Sure, he peaked as a child actor. But what a peak it was. 

Rest in peace, Gary. 

Mugsy addresses Batpug rumors

Greetings, my flock. I have not had much time to blog the last couple of weeks. I've been napping a lot during the day after putting in some ... late nights at the office. Some have pointed out that my absence here coincided with a flurry of activity on the blog of my alleged alter-ego, Batpug, and a precipitous drop in the local crime rate. It's purely coincidental, I assure you ...

Day of Prayer

I wish you all a happy government-sponsored National Day of Prayer. My goal of a canine theocracy seems ever-so-slightly closer. Allahu akbar! 

Mugsy to attend Lady Gaga party

I am about to depart for a Lady Gaga party, my flock. God help me. 


Mother has been preparing since last weekend, browsing the store aisles for blonde wigs and fishnet stockings and odd items to turn into hats or masks. I have seen her wear both a plastic shark and a unicorn upon her head, and I've seen her try on two Curious George masks in ways that the manufacturer surely did not intend. A few days ago, she entered the room after applying a heavy patina of makeup. "Does this look like Lady Gaga?" she asked. I studied her face. "I think Lady Gaga looks less like a prostitute," I answered. Honesty is a virtue. Today, she found a professional to apply her eyeshadow at a local store makeup counter. 


Having made most of her preparations, mother this afternoon finally told me some details about the planned festivities. "There's gonna be a drag show," she said. "Will you be comfortable with that, given your standing as an ultra-conservative pug religious icon?"


I considered the question and shrugged. "I don't see why not," I answered. "I have no problem with racing cars."

Mugsy condemns excessive spacing

Ever since I switched to the "new and improved" Blogger, my posts are sullied by these massive spaces between paragraphs. 


See? Does anyone know of an easy way to fix this?

Day at the Cotton Bowl

I recently attended a historic gathering, my flock. What began with a blog post almost one year ago today culminated in the largest Water-Bowl Party yet at the Cotton Bowl last weekend. Dogs from across the country converged on the Dallas stadium to protest anything and everything. And to do a good bit of sniffing and biscuit-eating in the House that Doak Walker built. 

Among the topics we protested:

• High taxes and taxation without canine representation.
• Excessive government spending and regulation.
• Insufficient government social programs and the feds' inability to reign in the Wall Street "fat cats."
• People who insist on crossing the road in a slow, catty-corner manner, rather than walking straight across. 

You may think it sounds a little bit like one of those human Tea Parties, and you'd be right. Except that we canines have far better spelling and grammar on our protest signs, and the average cuteness quotient of our protesters is significantly higher. 

We also had different rules at our canine gathering. For example, a strict child leash law was in effect to minimize tail-pulling. The lad below broke free from his parents and ran around with his leash dragging on the ground for a few anxious moments before he was subdued by the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF). Our investment in nonlethal Taser guns has already begun to pay dividends. 

Several wading pools were set up on the field of play to help the canines stay cool. And at one point, the sprinkler system turned on without warning. This sent me high-tailing it in the opposite direction. Allah intended water to be in my bowl, not on my fur. 

One of my favorite things about such large-scale gatherings is that they give me an opportunity to mingle with my flock -- to sniff the commoners, so to bark. I met one particularly fetching pug named Delilah, who works part-time at the fine Woof store in Plano alongside her brother Wilbur. I sniffed her with great vigor -- you should've seen my tail wagging. I stuck by Delilah's side for much of the afternoon. Though I enjoyed meeting all of the fine canines in my flock, she was my favorite harem prospect. Note her ubersexy tongue.

Unfortunately, my brother Wendell has a tendency to try to insinuate himself into the middle of my dates at the most inopportune times. 

He can be such a flock-block. 

Mugsy prepares for Dog Bowl

I hope to see my Dallas-area friends at the Cotton Bowl on Sunday. It becomes a dog park from 1 to 5 p.m.! Details can be found here.

Mugsy wins Dogster award

I am honored to accept Dogster's Top Dog Blogger Award as the greatest canine Muslim blogger of the millennium. I want to thank Dogster, for recognizing true greatness, and my parents, for keeping me humble. I also want to thank Allah, without Whom none of this would have been possible. Allahu akbar!



Find more dog breeds here!
Visit Mugsy's Dogster page here!

Mugsy linked to Kyrgyzstan uprising?

BISHKEK, Kyrgyzstan -- As thousands of demonstrators gathered in the main square of the Kyrgyz capital Saturday amid sporadic gunfire, U.S. intelligence analysts said this week's uprising in the Central Asian nation bore the signs of outside influence from an enigmatic Texas-based canine cleric.


The pug, known as Ayatollah Mugsy, has long exerted considerable influence in the predominantly Muslim country, which also has a large dog population. 


"This uprising has the ayatollah's paw prints all over it," said one U.S. intelligence official, speaking on condition of anonymity. 


Citizens in the main square Saturday evening chanted slogans calling for more freedom and greater access to veterinary care and vowels. 


Opposition forces were seen carrying dog crates and other supplies Saturday into the presidential palace of President Kurmanbek Bakiyev, who was forced into hiding earlier in the week. And the many episodes of looting in the capital and surrounding areas seemed to wipe out pet aisles while leaving clothing, household products and electronics largely untouched.


"All my rawhide is gone," said Umarov Bishkiyev, a shopkeeper in central Bishkek. "And the dog food, too. All gone."


Meanwhile, at the sprawling Manas Air Base, a key facility for U.S. military operations in Afghanistan, officials were scrambling to identify the crews on a series of unauthorized early-morning cargo flights that departed the country.


"In the dead of night, these three cargo planes landed, loaded up and left -- destination unknown," said Air Force Gen. Adam Hollingshead. "We found our security at the front gate and at the tower incapacitated, apparently knocked out by some kind of sleeping gas. All the surveillance cameras were wiped out. We have no idea who flew those planes or what kind of cargo they carried."


Military investigators said they were analyzing bulldog fur found at the scene.

Wendell ascends to papacy

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- The Catholic world was stunned Thursday after Pope Pius Pug resigned as vicar of the church, brought down by the spiraling scandal over inappropriate petting in the clergy. 


The Catholic Church then took the extraordinary step of skipping its usual conclave to select a new pope and instead immediately installing a 2-year-old Texas pug named Wendell as the next pontiff. Wendell is believed to be the youngest pope in church history. 


One senior bishop, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the church needed to bring in a "hip, youthful leader" to appeal to Catholics who had begun to feel disgruntled with the previous pontiff. 


In a brief statement delivered from the balcony of St. Peter's Basilica, Wendell said that he'd decided against taking "one of those stodgy old-school pope names" and that he would instead call himself "Popey Dub." Dub is apparently an urban slang word used to refer to the "W" in Wendell.


"I don't know much about this whole Catholic theology thing," the black pug barked. "I'm really more of a ball-chaser and rawhide-chewer. But we'll figure it out.


"I'm really excited to be taking over the church during Holy Week -- I hear it's a big deal. So I'm gonna check through my closets and find my craziest pope outfit, and we're all gonna hide some eggs and celebrate the resurrection of the Easter Bunny in style! Peace out, dudes."

Octomom: Do as I say, not as I do

Nadya Suleman, who gained fame as the "Octomom" after giving birth to a litter about the same size as my brother Wendell's, has teamed up with PETA to fight pet overbreeding. Or to line her pockets, but let's not quibble over small kibble. For the sum of $5,000 and a month's supply of vegetarian meals, the Octomom agreed to display a sign reading, "Don't let your dog or cat become an 'octomom.' Always spay or neuter." 

It's sound advice -- advice that I hope my harem will heed. 

Mugsy laments expanded health insurance

Well, my flock, it has happened: The much-discussed health care overhaul is now the law of the land. The signs are already apparent. Earlier today, I saw a crew surveying a plot of land not far from the compound. I can only surmise that they were preparing to build one of the many eldercution camps that will spring up across this once-great land of ours to remove unhealthy seniors from the Medicare rolls. Federal agents are sure to be out in force looking for older Americans in all the most likely locations. If I were over 65 and wanted to avoid euthanasia, I would avoid Luby's and Furr's cafeterias like the plague whose treatment will now be covered for a slightly bigger slice of the American public. (Though, for 2010, only children with bubonic plague will be covered if it's a pre-existing condition. Uninsured adults must try to hold out a bit longer.) 


After witnessing the surveyors' sickening scene, I went shopping for rawhide at Wal-Mart. I thought a bone might boost my spirits. There, I encountered long lines and a miserable wait reminiscent of the Soviet Union, circa 1980. (Though this was Wal-Mart, where they typically only open another cashier lane when the line reaches the deli area, so this may have been a coincidence. But I doubt it.) 


On the drive home, I spotted a carpenter openly carrying a hammer -- in broad daylight! It was such a brazen act, a slap in the face to our nation's founding fathers and small-business owners. It's only a matter of time before he gains the confidence to proudly display his sickle, too.  


Yes, my flock, with the stroke of President Barack Obama's pen, America's transformation into a communist nation is complete. If the projections are correct, an additional 12 percent of Americans will have health insurance, joining the tens of millions who have been covered by government-subsidized health care in Medicare and Medicaid since the mid-1960s, during a time when this country was a beacon of capitalism and freedom and goodness. 


But that golden era has passed, just as the golden years will so quickly pass for our seniors as government death panels pull their plugs. In short, we are all doomed. But at least we can take comfort in the knowledge that roughly 5 percent of Americans will still lack coverage under this sweeping socialization project. And that the great American tradition of overreaction endures. 

This could be hard to explain ...

Mother has been cleaning out the refrigerator quite aggressively. I pray that she doesn't stumble across any cryogenically frozen U.N. nuclear inspectors. 

Seeing green

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody! Now let's celebrate with some green rawhide. 

Back at the compound

Greetings, my flock. I am back in my throne at the ayatollah compound after my trip to New York. My return was delayed when I was detained for several days at LaGuardia Airport by the Transportation Security Administration. They claimed that I was being held because I had more than 3 ounces of liquid in my carry-on water bowl, but I strongly suspect that I was the victim of racial and religious profiling. Janet Napolitano, you will be hearing from my attorney.

Mugsy takes a bite out of the Big Apple

Greetings, my flock. I come to you today from Long Island City, Queens, the ministry's temporary base of operations in New York, where I have set up an inflatable Dogloo-mosque tent at a friend's apartment. But before I regale you with tales of the Empire State, I must briefly touch upon a pair of milestone events in the weekends leading up to my departure. I have missed many fine blogging opportunities in recent weeks, among them:

• The NBA All-Star Weekend in Dallas, where I rubbed elbows with such luminaries as Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley, Dwyane Wade and Biz Markie, and where my long-limbed and ultra-athletic brother Wendell received a contract offer from the lowly New Jersey Nets. "No thanks," he told them. "I think I'll stick with a winner in Pug Life Ministries."
• A convention of "furries" in Dallas the following weekend, where hundreds of people dressed like massive chew toys descended upon the region. The local newspaper even wrote a story about it, eliciting much snickering among the populace. But I sensed a possible dark undercurrent. Could this fusion of human and chew toy be a threat to the ministry? I had to investigate. So Wendell and I went undercover, into the heart of the furry beast. Unfortunately, our night ended early when Wendell was arrested on an aggravated assault charge and officers had to use the Jaws of Life to pry him from the leg of a 7-foot-tall teddy bear's leg. The ministry is accepting donations for Wendell's legal defense fund.

This brings us to our present trip to New York City. Wendell's parole officer felt that some time away would do the pup some good, and I had an invitation from The Late Show with David Letterman, so we stowed away in our parents' carry-on luggage last weekend and flew to New York. The region was only hours removed from its latest blizzard when we touched down at LaGuardia, but the runways and sidewalks were mostly clear by the time I arrived. I like to think it's because they knew I was coming.

Since our arrival, we have been busy taking in the many sights and smells and, yes, tastes of New York. So here, in honor of Mr. Letterman, is a Top 10 list of our trip so far.

10 We went up to the observation deck of the Empire State Building for a bird's-eye view of the city. The Top of the Rock at Rockefeller Center, which we visited on a previous trip, probably has a better overall view, but there's still satisfaction to be gained anytime a fur-covered creature successfully scales the Empire State Building without taking hostile fire from a gaggle of biplanes.

9 We built a snowpug in Central Park, which just a couple of days earlier had received 21 inches of snowfall.

8 We witnessed an apparent snowman murder scene in that very same park, complete with yellow crime-scene tape, two pink-iced victims and an ax-wielding snowman. This sight prompted me to immediately go into CSI: Snowman mode, as I began to carefully document the crime scene with my camera and conduct spatter analysis. The ax-wielding fellow is currently a snowperson of interest.

7 We visited the Frick Collection near Central Park, an art museum set in an early 1900s mansion.

6 We toured the Federal Reserve Bank in Lower Manhattan and descended 70 feet below street level to see tens of billions of dollars in gold bars. Sadly, my request for a free sample was denied.

5 We sampled some massive cupcakes from Crumbs bakery.

4 Our wonderful hostess for this trip, let's call her The German, gave us a guided nighttime automobile tour of Brooklyn and Manhattan. It was a new vantage point for us usually pedestrian pugs, and after a long day of walking, it was nice to cross the Brooklyn Bridge and see the city lights from the heated comfort of her rented Toyota (which, with the help of my prayers, was able to brake successfully at all stoplights).

3 We attended Wednesday night's Big Terrific comedy show in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. The weekly show features writers from The Colbert Report and Saturday Night Live as well as comedians who have appeared on Comedy Central and VH1. And did I mention that it's free and held in a tiny room behind a bar/restaurant? I highly recommend it to anyone who's in the area and likes to laugh. I typically don't, but I made an exception in this instance.

2 We've thus far attended three Broadway shows: God of Carnage, a so-so comedic play starring Jimmy Smits, Annie Potts and Christine Lahti; Chicago, an excellent musical featuring one of the non-Beyonce members of Destiny's Child; and A View From the Bridge, a fantastic Arthur Miller play starring Liev Schreiber and Scarlett Johansson. If my efforts to woo Ms. Johansson to the harem prove successful, this may move to No. 1 on the list.

1 My appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman, alongside the brilliant Jerry Seinfeld and the crusty my-generation-is-better-than-yours bore Tom Brokaw.

Mugsy condemns secret admirer

It is Valentine's Day, and love is in the air. Unfortunately, some of this affection is creepy and wholly unwelcome. So I must now condemn, in the strongest possible terms, an apparent secret admirer.

This admirer first came to my attention during the middle of last week, when I received two text messages from an unfamiliar phone number in close succession. I opened the first and found a pink-and-red heart background with a long love letter in Spanish. Annoying music began to play as I looked at this message in bewilderment. After turning the volume down, I opened the second message and found an animated photo. It began with a row of scantily clad men and then quickly showed them all fully nude. I gasped in horror and quickly closed my phone. At what point did I send out signals that I wanted to receive pornographic text messages from any admirers? The proper answer, my flock, is "never."

Even worse, I opened these messages in my workplace. Imagine the scandal that could have ensued had a colleague at the mosque glanced over my shoulder and seen a row of naked men on my cell phone. What kind of infidel would send such an image to a pug of the cloth?

I notified the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) and told them to be on high alert, and then I went back about my business leading the world's largest interfaith, interspecies ministry. Perhaps it was a wrong number, I thought. English, Arabic, Farsi and Pug Latin are my primary languages -- not Spanish. But on Friday evening, my phone chimed again. I looked at the screen and saw a message saying that there wasn't enough available space to download the attachment. The phone number was the same as before. Given this infidel's proclivity for sharing pornography and attempting to court members of the animal kingdom, I shudder to think what kind of video or other type of file this attachment might be. Needless to say, I did not open it.

Now Valentine's Day has arrived, and every time the phone rings, I fear I will answer to find a man on the other end saying, "Hola, mi perro amor." If such a thing happens, my flock, I will growl.

Most Valuable Puppy

Congratulations are in order for Puppy Bowl VI MVP Jake, a pug/Chihuahua mix. In a contest filled with big plays and a gutsy onside-sniff call, the diminutive pup stood tall, winning both the judges' and the fans' vote as Most Valuable Puppy. Given his pedigree as an alumnus of All Star Pet Rescue in Linden, N.J., perhaps it's no surprise that the Philadelphia-area resident claimed top honors. He displayed incredible athleticism throughout the game and sealed his team's victory with a late-game interception of Archie Manning's 12-week-old dachshund. Jake is now said to be considering pursuing a career in modeling or acting. Good idea, Jake -- strike while the iron's hot. And please do not forget to tithe 10 percent of your earnings to the ministry.

To view some of Jake's highlights from the big game, click here. And to see some of the action on the slippery midfield logo, as well as the innovative use of a hamster-piloted blimp in Sunday's game, click here.

Groundhog Day controversy

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. (AP) -- Punxsutawney Phil, the famed groundhog known for weather prognostication, was embroiled in a rare controversy Tuesday after he reportedly saw his shadow. The groundhog's declaration, made public via text-messaging and Twitter, means six more weeks of winter, according to legend.

But several witnesses disputed Phil's account, saying that no shadow was visible when the groundhog was pulled from his burrow. Fox News anchor Geraldo Rivera went so far as to say that the furry mammal had "sinister motives." His Fox News colleague Glenn Beck speculated that the groundhog was somehow aligned with early 20th-century progressives in a plot to freeze America.

The controversy took another odd twist late Tuesday when the Securities and Exchange Commission confirmed that it was investigating several suspicious trades involving natural gas and heating oil companies on the New York Stock Exchange. The inquiry reportedly centers on the groundhog's winter conversion to Islam and his involvement with Ayatollah Mugsy, the enigmatic leader of Pug Life Ministries. The ayatollah, a pug, did not return calls seeking comment.

One SEC official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that the ministry made several equity purchases in the weeks leading up to Groundhog Day of companies that would benefit from a prolonged winter. The Associated Press was able to confirm that Devon Energy, the largest U.S.-based natural gas producer, is among the ministry's largest holdings.

"We believe that the groundhog, in coordination with his spiritual adviser, Ayatollah Mugsy, is trying to prolong the winter weather for financial gain," the SEC source said. "They stand to profit from an extended cold snap and the accompanying use of natural gas-powered home heaters. But prosecuting an animal under insider-trading laws is a very fuzzy area, to say the least."

Friends and relatives of Phil have said that the groundhog became aware of the ayatollah's teachings after being given a BlackBerry by the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club so that he could text his shadow findings and update his Twitter page. The groundhog reportedly spent the last two months exchanging regular e-mails with Ayatollah Mugsy and undergoing intense religious instruction.

Mugsy returns from sabbatical

Greetings, my loyal flock. I have returned from my long sabbatical, refreshed and ready to take the ministry to new heights. I took a leave of absence after undergoing surgery in late November, putting the day-to-day operation of Pug Life Ministries in the occasionally capable paws of my little brother, Wendell. He was tasked with providing regular updates on this blog and delivering a few simple sermons that I had prepared for him. Unfortunately, Wendell suffers from CADHD (Canine Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), and after posting a few Holiday Gift Guide entries, he lost interest in the blog and began to focus on a new candy cane-shaped rawhide bone, among other distractions.

During my sabbatical, I took time to recharge my creative and spiritual batteries. I researched two new fatwas and laid the groundwork for an exciting new project for the ministry, the likes of which the world has never seen. God willing, I will soon have more information on this endeavor to share. And I also spent extra time with my harem mates, using the break to nurture and enhance our relationships while the ayatollahmobile was in the body shop to have some 9-iron-shaped dings and window breaks mended.

I am happy to be back, and I want to thank my loyal followers for the many notes of concern and support I received during my absence. I appreciated them greatly. (I would have appreciated them more had they been accompanied by monetary or Milkbone donations, but as mother always says at the dinner table, "Beggars can't be choosers.") I also want to thank the fashionable follower who purchased the first-ever Classic Harem-Wear Thong from the ministry gift shop. God willing, I will reclaim it someday and add it to my collection of sacred female undergarment relics.

Peace and belly rubs be upon you all, and may the fires of Satan never singe your whiskers.