Well, my flock, it has happened: The much-discussed health care overhaul is now the law of the land. The signs are already apparent. Earlier today, I saw a crew surveying a plot of land not far from the compound. I can only surmise that they were preparing to build one of the many eldercution camps that will spring up across this once-great land of ours to remove unhealthy seniors from the Medicare rolls. Federal agents are sure to be out in force looking for older Americans in all the most likely locations. If I were over 65 and wanted to avoid euthanasia, I would avoid Luby's and Furr's cafeterias like the plague whose treatment will now be covered for a slightly bigger slice of the American public. (Though, for 2010, only children with bubonic plague will be covered if it's a pre-existing condition. Uninsured adults must try to hold out a bit longer.)
After witnessing the surveyors' sickening scene, I went shopping for rawhide at Wal-Mart. I thought a bone might boost my spirits. There, I encountered long lines and a miserable wait reminiscent of the Soviet Union, circa 1980. (Though this was Wal-Mart, where they typically only open another cashier lane when the line reaches the deli area, so this may have been a coincidence. But I doubt it.)
On the drive home, I spotted a carpenter openly carrying a hammer -- in broad daylight! It was such a brazen act, a slap in the face to our nation's founding fathers and small-business owners. It's only a matter of time before he gains the confidence to proudly display his sickle, too.
Yes, my flock, with the stroke of President Barack Obama's pen, America's transformation into a communist nation is complete. If the projections are correct, an additional 12 percent of Americans will have health insurance, joining the tens of millions who have been covered by government-subsidized health care in Medicare and Medicaid since the mid-1960s, during a time when this country was a beacon of capitalism and freedom and goodness.
But that golden era has passed, just as the golden years will so quickly pass for our seniors as government death panels pull their plugs. In short, we are all doomed. But at least we can take comfort in the knowledge that roughly 5 percent of Americans will still lack coverage under this sweeping socialization project. And that the great American tradition of overreaction endures.