Tuesday, December 13, 2005

A second open letter to Mohamed ElBaradei

Mohamed ElBaradei
Director General
International Atomic Energy Agency
P.O. Box 100
Wagramer Strasse 5, A-1400
Vienna, Austria

Mr. ElBaradei,

Well, my old nemesis, I believe I have let you sweat this out long enough. I must say, I am rather impressed that you have been able to keep the press from finding out about your latest misstep. Your powers of media manipulation are almost as great as mine. Almost.

But on to the point: You have no doubt noticed the absence of three of your top nuclear inspectors. I am sure that you recall dispatching them to my residence during last week’s ice storm. Had you heeded my earlier warning, you wouldn’t have had to go into full cover-up mode, trying to keep the world from finding out that your trespassing operation had met with a disastrous end. But fear not, Mr. ElBaradei. Your inspectors are alive. Thanks to the subarctic temperature, my in-ground sprinkler system and pug ingenuity, this trio of interlopers is now cryogenically frozen. Their pulses have slowed to a faint blip; their brain activity has all but ceased. But we pugs possess the technology to safely thaw them. That is where you come in, Mr. ElBaradei.

I propose a trade. I will return your inspectors, and you will never again trouble Pug Life Ministries. Really, what concern is it of yours if I use a light-water nuclear reactor to power my blogging station? In addition, I want a briefcase full of unmarked rawhide left in the recycling bin outside my residence. You have 24 hours to agree to my demands. Don’t even think about sending a rescue mission; if you do, I may accidentally drop your inspectors on the hard tile floor of my kitchen. And I would hate to have to make my mother clean up such a mess.

You have been granted an opportunity to save face, Mr. ElBaradei. I suggest you don’t blow it.

Supreme Ayatollah
Pug Life Ministries