These restrictions are all wet

I have just finished washing my car. It is a task that I would prefer to do at another time -- when my mother is home to help me -- but I am not allowed to. My city has imposed restrictions, allowing outside watering only once a week on residents' trash days. So rather than wash the car on Sunday with my mother's help, I had to go it alone. Do you know how difficult it is for a pug to reach the roof of a full-size automobile? Let me tell you, it took a while.

I am not a fan of these water restrictions. I recently had to spend an hour and a half watering around my home's foundation with a hose because the ground was so parched (this is allowed). But it would have been far easier to turn on my automatic sprinkler system. An ayatollah has better things to do than stand around with a hose all day. Doesn't the city understand that lives are at stake here?

Do not get me wrong; I support many environmental causes. I have not only hugged a tree; I have also slow-danced with one. (I then urinated on it, but that is another story.) But I find it hard to get behind the concept of water conservation. We are not talking about fossil fuels, which will someday run out. We are talking about a liquid that covers two-thirds of the Earth's surface. I pay my water bills every month, so I believe I should be able to use whatever water I choose to pay for, whenever I choose to use it. I would not wash my car more than once a week anyway. The commercial car washes in town aren't forced to close six days a week, so why should I be limited thusly?

This water shortage is not the fault of the water-consuming public. It is the fault of a city and water district that have not kept up with demand and that have failed to live up to their obligations. They have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa! I hereby order whoever is responsible for such matters to dig a new lake, build a new water treatment plant, or do whatever else is necessary to provide me the water freedom I deserve. So it has been decreed, so it shall be done.