State of the Union

Fellow citizens, I come to you today to deliver the first State of the Union address of my long and illustrious reign. The last year has been a good one for Pug Life Ministries. Our membership rolls have expanded greatly. We have established a feared fighting force, and I have full confidence in Brody the Bulldog to manage our conscription and training efforts and continue to sharpen the scimitar of canine military might.

We have flexed our economic muscle, launching two successful boycotts. In the quarter that we boycotted the corporate charlatan Comcast, the company lost over 40,000 subscribers. Our boycott against Austria has not yet had quite the same tangible effect on that anti-dog regime's tourism industry. But I believe this is because Vienna was not at the top of most canines' vacation wish lists anyway.

We have made great scientific strides, identifying a colorful salamander and developing the technology to cryogenically freeze our enemies.

We have moved swiftly toward our goal of establishing a theocratic pug homeland. For the first time in recorded history, canines are taking part in the democratic process. Dozens of dogs have cast their ballots to decide on a name for this new nation.

We have repelled numerous attacks, and each time, this ministry has emerged stronger. Criminal charges have been dropped. The International Atomic Energy Agency has turned its attention elsewhere. The IRS has stopped hounding us, for now. Our clandestine surveillance program deserves much of the credit for this improved security. The critics may cry foul, but let me assure you: It is legal. Obviously, as your leader, I would not engage in this domestic spying if it were not legal.

2005 was a banner year for me on a personal level as well. Thanks to the growing visibility of this ministry, my harem has never been larger. Thank you, Allah. Thank you. And my Batpug jersey has been retired, and it is now framed along with a commemorative Pug-O-Ween plaque.

Though new challenges will undoubtedly arise, the state of the Pug Life union is strong. Let us face these challenges head-on and work to make Pug Life even stronger in 2006. God bless Pug Life; God bless us all.