Secure in the knowledge that the canine defense forces were in the capable paws of Brody, I went to work Tuesday to whittle down the hundreds of applicants for Team Pugforce. It was a grueling process, and one that I expect to continue for several weeks. After all, not just anybody can spread Allah's word through feats of strength.
With fellow judges Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul, I began the audition process bright and early. We must have watched 80 people shatter concrete blocks -- and another 80 fail to shatter anything but perhaps their hands. It is times like these when I thank Allah for the button under my desk and the large trapdoor to which it is connected.
One of the most surprising applicants was Sylvester Stallone. Apparently, his boxing reality show "The Contender" was a bit of a flop, and he's hard up for cash. Although I greatly respect his writing ability and the fact that he single-handedly brought down communism in Eastern Europe with his 1985 movie "Rocky IV," I had to cut him. He just wasn't strong enough to be a member of Team Pugforce. He couldn't break a single concrete block or even bend an iron bar. And truth be told, he's shorter than I am. I guess the camera really does add four feet.