After my briefing on this unfolding crisis, I settled down for a nine-hour nap. But I assure you that I am on top of the situation. Here is what we know so far: Five canines have been detained in Eugene, Ore., on charges of espionage, conspiracy and attempted kidnapping. Authorities have accused these dogs of being members of the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF). I can say with certainty that this is not true. All ARF members are present and accounted for. Instead, we believe these canines are members of Portland Pug Jihad, a militant group known to follow my teachings. It appears that these canines were attempting to abduct the officiating crew from Saturday's Oklahoma-Oregon debacle in accordance with my latest fatwa. I have been in contact with Eugene Animal Control Services trying to negotiate the release of these canines. I will not rest -- with the exception of nap time, of course -- until these political prisoners have been freed.
Oregon authorities have ordered a crackdown on canine nationalism, so it is vitally important that we remain vigilant and take the necessary precautions. Keep an eye out for this man -- he is bad news. God willing, we will resolve this crisis through diplomatic means.
6 comments:
I will keep the brave members of the PPJ in my thoughts during this crisis...
Those poor pugs in Oregon! Surely this is an issue of freedom of religion? They were following your orders, and as their spiritual leader, how could they not listen?
I hope this gets worked out in short order!
Call Pres. Boren and have him renew his contacts in at the CIA - surely if anyone can solve this crisis it is he.
I'm torn. While I support the idea of locking up my natural enemies, I recognize how injust this situation is.
Use your incredible influence to nip this thing in the bud!
Oregon was one of my favorite states. I must reconsider. More power to your efforts! The Great One is with you.
As will I, T-Man.
Exactly, Zeus. Don't canines, and for that matter felines, have constitutional rights? And besides, they were only trying to abduct a terrible Pac-10 officiating crew. There are far worse crimes.
I have been in contact with President Boren, TransplantedOkie. He is a well-known dog-lover.
I understand your ambivalence, Kukka-Maria. I am working to resolve this situation.
We need not condemn the entire state of Oregon, Anonymous One. Only those who would oppose our goals. Or my football team.
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