Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Mugsy issues fatwa

I come before you today to address a most grievous problem. I can no longer stand by while our society crumbles around us. I can no longer tolerate this most vile, mildy insulting behavior. The restaurant hosts and hostesses of the world have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa! More and more I have noticed a common greeting whenever I go out to eat. And every time I hear this ubiquitous greeting, I bite my tongue. But no more! I understand that the hostess must choose a suitable table or booth. But it is altogether unnecessary to use the following phrase: "Just two?" Excuse me; just two? When I am going out with one of my ladyfriends, two is plenty. Exactly how big of an entourage must I bring to the restaurant before you will be satisfied? Yesterday, after my date and I were seated and ready to order our food, our waiter's first words were "just two?" Yes, Sherlock, way to go. You didn't even have to use your other eight fingers. Now stop passing judgment upon me for not dining with a massive dinner party. What happened to the days when a host would simply say, "Two?" This is nonjudgmental, non-insulting. It does not imply that I am somehow less of a pug for dining only with one date.

This "just" greeting is not limited to pairs. During a recent trip to dine with a couple of relatives, the hostess gathered a handful of menus and said, "Just three?" Are these people never satisfied? What, pray tell, is wrong with joining one or two friends for a meal?

Henceforth, it is forbidden for restaurant employees to use such belittling language. Those who defy this binding religious decree will face consequences most severe. Just say "no" to insulting your customers.

10 comments:

Brandi said...

Bam-Bam had his own issue with a resturant over this past weekend. After a walk in the park we went to a resturant and sat on their outdoor patio with Bam-Bam. He was laying under the table minding his own business and we were waiting for the waitress to come take or order. After 15 minutes of waiting she came over and told us we would have to leave and that Bam-Bam was not welcome. This was very distressing to us, if dogs are not allowed outdoors then where can they go?

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

This is outrageous, Brandi. Once we have established Pugistan, Bam-Bam will be able to eat wherever he pleases.

TransplantedOkie said...

Bam Bam needs to walk the lovely sidewalks of Old Town Alexandria (VA) where dogs are welcome to sit at charming outdoor bistros (that often offer free water and dog bones to canine guests) while their humans enjoy the weather and a glass of wine. Bob has made many a new friend while I have windowshopped down King Street.

Zeus said...

I have only been to one restaurant one time, and I suppose it must not have been a superior restaurant because we didn't even get asked this insulting question. Instead, it was "Smoking or nonsmoking?"

I took smoking mostly because my research at the time depended on it, but I would have taken smoking regardless because, I blush to admit, I am pretty smokin'.

I will keep an eye out for any offenders, Mugsy, and report them to you immediately!

Kaluah-lu said...

All in all, it is a good thing that we dogs are becoming increasingly more aware of the issues that impact negatively on our quality of life. Interestingly, canine discrimination has been highlighted in two blogs this week. (My own posting focuses on dog stereotyping.) By validating these issues, we can begin to do something about them. Excellent post, by the way.

T-man said...

Many dogs behave better than children do. This canine discrimination must stop.

Chelsea said...

I'm with T-Man. (Not only do I agree with him I am his supermodel girlfriend) So in every sense of the word.
I'm with T-Man.
Mama took me to a kids birthday party. A magician came to entertain the children. At the end of the party he told my Mama I was the best behaved person there!
Even magic can't make some kids behave.

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

I've been trying to plan a fall vacation, Transplanted Okie. Perhaps Old Town Alexandria is the place to be.

I'm with you, T-Man (and I suppose that means I'm with Chelsea, too).

Your reddicus necksimus research was most enlightening, Zeus. Thank you for keeping an eye out. The ministry could use a feline informer.

Thank you, Lulu, my fellow civil rights activist.

TransplantedOkie said...

I highly recommend out nation's capital and surrounding area as a fall destination. VERY dog friendly.

Kukka-Maria said...

I am pretty sure the next time you are out with a hot lady on a date and are asked "Just two?", you should respond with a resounding:

"Just two? Hell no! The rest of our dining orgy is just behind us. When they get here and strip down, can you please show them to the the area where we will be engaging in tawdy group eating? We'll try to keep from starting without them, but I'm sure some premature gluttony with some super-sexy appetizers won't offend them, right?"

That is sure to get a reaction of some sort, Ayatollah. Or at least shut them up.