I come before you today to address a most grievous problem. I can no longer stand by while our society crumbles around us. I can no longer tolerate this most vile, mildy insulting behavior. The restaurant hosts and hostesses of the world have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa! More and more I have noticed a common greeting whenever I go out to eat. And every time I hear this ubiquitous greeting, I bite my tongue. But no more! I understand that the hostess must choose a suitable table or booth. But it is altogether unnecessary to use the following phrase: "Just two?" Excuse me; just two? When I am going out with one of my ladyfriends, two is plenty. Exactly how big of an entourage must I bring to the restaurant before you will be satisfied? Yesterday, after my date and I were seated and ready to order our food, our waiter's first words were "just two?" Yes, Sherlock, way to go. You didn't even have to use your other eight fingers. Now stop passing judgment upon me for not dining with a massive dinner party. What happened to the days when a host would simply say, "Two?" This is nonjudgmental, non-insulting. It does not imply that I am somehow less of a pug for dining only with one date.
This "just" greeting is not limited to pairs. During a recent trip to dine with a couple of relatives, the hostess gathered a handful of menus and said, "Just three?" Are these people never satisfied? What, pray tell, is wrong with joining one or two friends for a meal?
Henceforth, it is forbidden for restaurant employees to use such belittling language. Those who defy this binding religious decree will face consequences most severe. Just say "no" to insulting your customers.