After my briefing on this unfolding crisis, I settled down for a nine-hour nap. But I assure you that I am on top of the situation. Here is what we know so far: Five canines have been detained in Eugene, Ore., on charges of espionage, conspiracy and attempted kidnapping. Authorities have accused these dogs of being members of the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF). I can say with certainty that this is not true. All ARF members are present and accounted for. Instead, we believe these canines are members of Portland Pug Jihad, a militant group known to follow my teachings. It appears that these canines were attempting to abduct the officiating crew from Saturday's Oklahoma-Oregon debacle in accordance with my latest fatwa. I have been in contact with Eugene Animal Control Services trying to negotiate the release of these canines. I will not rest -- with the exception of nap time, of course -- until these political prisoners have been freed.
Oregon authorities have ordered a crackdown on canine nationalism, so it is vitally important that we remain vigilant and take the necessary precautions. Keep an eye out for this man -- he is bad news. God willing, we will resolve this crisis through diplomatic means.