Greetings, my faithful flock. I am sure you have all been eagerly awaiting a recap of this weekend's Mideast peace summit, so I will jump right into it. As I last reported, I placed an urgent phone call to George Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton. The summit was not going well, and I thought that perhaps this humanitarian duo could help. Unfortunately, they had a flat tire near Conroe. Then, upon realizing that their AAA membership had lapsed, the former presidents got into an argument over who had forgotten to pay the bill. It escalated into a fistfight, and, suffice it to say, they never arrived. (For those who are curious, I hear that Clinton landed a few good blows but that the 81-year-old Bush was the clear winner. And they called him a wimp ...)
So it was up to Rabbi Jake and me to straighten out these feuding factions. And straighten them out we did. Rabbi Jake went to work on the Israelis, using his icy stare to restore order and quell their in-fighting. I delivered a powerful sermon to bring the Palestinians in line. Then we sat back down at the table and went to work. The talks dragged on into Sunday morning, beyond our scheduled ending time. But tremendous progress was made. In fact, I believe we were no more than a half-hour away from signing a full-fledged peace treaty that would have given the Palestinians land and sovereignty and guaranteed the Israelis peace. However, as visions of the Nobel peace prize danced through my head, we received bad news. Ariel Sharon had suffered a mild stroke. The Israeli delegation had to leave quickly, and Sharon's German shepherd was visibly shaken. So Mideast peace will have to wait for another day. I am already working to organize a second summit. God willing, I will win that Nobel prize. Oh, and we'll have Mideast peace, too.
Incidentally, Shimon Peres' pug, Shlomo, tells me that Sharon is expected to make a full recovery. This is good news, but I would feel much better about Sharon's situation if his medical team included a dog or two.