I can stay silent no longer, my flock. Too many times now, I have turned on my television or radio and been astounded, nay, horrified by the awful advertising campaigns that now plague the airwaves. They have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa! But first, let me explain the problem now facing our society.
Exhibit A: Dr Pepper has been claiming for several months now that its beverage features 23 distinct flavors. This is absurd, my flock! Absurd!! Dr Pepper has one distinct flavor: It tastes like Dr Pepper! Even the youngest puppy could tell you that. Dr Pepper may have 23 ingredients, but not 23 flavors. Unless the baker was particularly inept, one does not bite into a cookie and say, "Oh, I taste the egg, and the flour, and the butter ..." No, once those ingredients are combined, the finished product tastes like a cookie!!! Dr Pepper does a disservice to all God-fearing humans and canines with this ridiculous slogan.
Exhibit B: Burger King recently unveiled an ad campaign in which it apparently sends camera crews to remote areas around the globe to conduct a taste test with villagers who have never sampled a hamburger. First of all, it seems highly improbable that Western consumers would care which burger these Third World denizens prefer. For all we know, these people may regularly eat dung beetles and wash them down with a blood-and-milk mixture. Different cultures have different tastes. Second, Burger King does not even reveal the results of these allegedly unbiased taste tests in its ads. Instead, the company asks TV viewers to visit its "Whopper Virgins" Web site to see what happens. Ignoring the obvious point that Burger King wouldn't promote a site in which the Big Mac was the overwhelming favorite, are we to believe that people are actually racing to their computers to visit whoppervirgins.com? I provided a link in the interest of completeness, but even I am not about to sit through some burger propaganda film. I have too much propaganda of my own to work on.
Exhibit C: In its radio ads, McDonald's has taken to labeling its chicken customers "Nug Nuts." This sounds quite a bit like "Lug Nuts," or "Numb Nuts" -- neither of which I would much like to be called. Do the Chicken McNugget consumers not suffer enough simply by dining at McDonald's? Must we really call them such a pejorative-sounding name? Has Ronald McDonald no decency?!?
I could go on and on, but I believe this gives you an idea of the severity of the problem. So I hereby issue a fatwa! Starting right now, I declare a moratorium on all terrible advertising campaigns. Those who dare to violate this binding religious decree will face immediate excommunication from Pug Life Ministries and be forced to wear a "Nug Nut" name tag for the rest of their lives.