Friday, June 01, 2007

Not so fast ...

I am concerned, my flock. I fear that the natural order of things is in danger. Credible intelligence reports indicate that my parents have considered buying a device intended to slow down my eating. Perhaps they are well-meaning, but this simply will not do. As my extensive research has shown, a pug must eat each meal in 24 seconds or less to operate at peak efficiency.

Too fast, you say? Nonsense. As any capitalist pug knows, time is money. Every second wasted actually savoring my food is a second that I am not working on a sermon, healing the sick or collecting donations. Do you think I built the religious empire that is Pug Life Ministries -- complete with my astonishing two-figure annual income -- by stopping to smell the roses? No! I stop to smell the mailboxes, certainly, but that serves a purpose -- a purpose that I am sure my canine congregants are enlightened enough to understand.

I must stay focused, with no distractions. When I dine, I dine. And let no human stand in my way.

7 comments:

TransplantedOkie said...

Pansy Pug (a potential harem member and proud member of the Sooner Nation) does not eat. She hoovers. And her girlish figure is the better for it!

Forest Dogs said...

That looks like a dog's torture, Ayatollah Mugsy! Can you bite those sticking out bits off?

Peace!

Anonymous said...

Well - since my recent bout of puggy pimples - I have been eating out of a glass bowl. Hence, I am saved from the spikes of food miss fortune.

On a seperate note. I am going to Chicago's annual pug party this weekend. 500 pugs, many humans. OI!

Aine

Anonymous said...

That's a cool food bowl! No offense, your Holiness.

Sarah O. said...

This bowl looks mostly like a chew toy to me. A very, very cool chew toy.

T-man said...

Ayatollah,
I have faith that with a little patient tooth work, you can chew off those offending posts in the food bowl, and your eating speed will return to normal. If you need to borrow CC-man's beak, just let me know.

T-man

James Beauregard daPug said...

Do you want my mama to put a voodoo curse on these people? Man! Who sits something like that in front of a hungry pug and in all good conscience expects him to enjoy din-din?

Ayatollah Mugsy should be eating off the good china and drinking out of Tiffany crystal.

J. B.