Tense negotiations

As I mentioned earlier, I am engaged in talks that could potentially net Pug Life Ministries millions of dollars. I will now give you a rare glimpse into these tense negotiations. I suspect that this will easily be the longest post in the history of The Ayatollah's Teachings, and this gives me pause. As any canine who has played tug-of-war knows, humans have notoriously short attention spans. But I believe this information is too important, too historically significant to be edited down. It must run in full. The e-mail exchanges that you are about to read are 100 percent, word-for-word as they have occurred over the last 48 hours. As you will see at the end, I am still awaiting a final agreement. God willing, this African banker will accept my terms.

LEGEND

Messages from me are in the customary Ayatollah Yellow.
Messages from Mr. Ibrahim Wata are written in green.

And now, let the messages begin:

FROM THE DESK OF MR. IBRAHIM WATA
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER,
BANK OF AFRICA (BOA).
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO.
Alternative e-mail:mr_ibrahim_wata@yahoo.fr
Dear Sir/Madam
I know that this letter may come to you as a surprise but due to the urgency of this transaction.First I must solicit your confidence in this transaction, this is by virtue of it's nature as being utterly confidential and top secret. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. There is no doubt that trust conceptually is a conundrum which leadsitself to deferring interpretation, we have decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction.
I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance department of BANK OF AFRICA(BOA). I came to know you in my private search for a reliable and reputable person to handle this Confidential Transaction, which involves thetransfer of a huge sum of money to a foreign account requiring maximum confidence.
I am writing to you, following the impressive information received about you from the chambers of commerce. I believed that you are capable and reliable to champion this business opportunity. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $14.5m US dollars (Fourteen million five hundred thusand US dollars). In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family On August 23, 2000 through Gulf Air Flight 72 with Airbus A320 crashed off, killing all 143 people on board and you can view the site for more details:http://www-tech.mit.edu/V120/N32/gulfair.32w.html
Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I and other officials in my department now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don't want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.
The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after five years, the money will be transferred into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.
We agree that 35% of this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 5 % will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business and 60 % would be for me and my colleagues. There after I and my colleagues will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated.
Therefore to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relations or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number,your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where in the money will be remitted.
Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.
You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.
Trusting to hear from you immediately.
Yours faithfully,
MR. IBRAHIM WATA
Bill and exchange manager,
BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

I will require 40 percent of the money, in unmarked $1 bills. Reply urgently if this is acceptable.

Dear Ayatollah Mugsy,
Thanks for your last mail in respect of my proposed business transaction sent to you ealier. I will like to be honest with you, base on the fact that, what will bring the success of this transaction is trust and understanding. As regards to your request i have agreed with my partner to give you 32% of the total fund.
Also i wish to let you know that if you know that you will not keep this transaction as a top secret is better you forget about it, because i have spent a lot of money in this transaction before contacting you. I will not be happy to lose the fund. This fund belongs to our deceased customer(MR.CHRISTAIN EICH ) From AUSTRALIAN. He died on 31/07/ 2000 along with his supposed next of kin in an air crash. He nationalized here for years before his death. He executed alot of contracts here before his death and he was also the major supplier of agricultural equipments in West Africa. The banking law here stipulates that if such money remains unclaimed after 6 year, it will go to the bank treasury as unclaimed bills. We discovered the money during our last auditing in our department. we have made all necessary enquries to find out if we can get any of his relation so that they will come for the claims but to no avail. I decided to contact you and release the fund to you as the nearest person to the dead man because I dont want the money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund and besides nobody is coming for the fund again. Many Banks in African use to confiscate alot of foreigners money i our bank after the fund lying dormant in the Bank.We Poor Bankers dont gain anything if the fund is confiscated. I got this last oppurtunity at this my old aged and decided to contact you,for the mutual benefit of our both families. The transaction has to undergo normal banking procedures of transfering inheritance fund.You will apply as the nearest person to the deceased customer while i will be here as your partner in the business,guiding you on what to do until the fund enters your account. For immediate execution of this transaction,you have to communicate me with those information below; 1) your full name, 2) your occupation, 3) your country, 4) your age, 5) your telephone and fax number. 6) your banking details where you shall receive the fund so that i will email you a text of application that you will use to apply for releasing of the fund. And i will like to know how capable you are to receive this huge amount into your account, and i hope that you will not betray me when the money enter into your account in your country?. Upon receipt of the above mentioned,i will send you a text of application which you will use to apply to the Foreign Remittance Department in our Bank,for easy execution of the transaction. This transaction is 100% hitch-free on both sides and has no atom of negativity on both side but you must try to keep it confidential and as a top secret as you may wish to know that we are this Bank Officials. I once again wish to inform you that 32% of the total sum will be for you for the provision of account were we will transfer the money and the rest will be for me and my colleague who is also involved in the business. Here will be a little expencess in other to get some documents to back up this claims. Which i feel that you will a bit assist me when needed for that. As i hard spent a lot of money in gathering the information of this transaction before contacted you. I have worked very hard in my life and this one oppurtunity that i dont want play with. 1) My full name is Mr. Ibrahim Wata, Manager Foreign Remmittance Dept Bank of Africa(B.O.A) 2) I am 50 years old with 4 children with an aged mother and father. 3) My house address is No 25, suma street dapoyah Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. 4) My private phone number+226-7647-1708. I have worked with this bank for many years now. i don't want to lose this last opportunity allmighty God gave to me at this old age. You must assure me of your sincerity,so that this transaction is not broght to odium.Please kindly back-out if you can not assure me of your sincerity in this transaction. Have agreat day as i await your return mail. Mr.Ibrahim Wata, Nb: The 32% of total sum is for you as the provider of foreign account. the 60% is me and my partner here also the 10% is for any expencess. and you will send me a letter of invitation immedaitely your receive the fund into your account, as to enable me get my visa to your country to collect my share.
For the confidencialty of this transaction warrant me to direct you through this my private email address. Please if you need more question you can ask.

First you offer me 35 percent, and now you offer only 32 percent? This is not the way to negotiate. Frankly, I am offended. Do you know who you are dealing with? Perhaps you should visit my blog at ayatollahmugsy.blogspot.com to see. I am not one to be trifled with. Unless you consent to the full 40 percent I seek, I will find another shady African banker to do business with.
Sincerely,
Mugsy
Supreme Ayatollah
Pug Life Ministries

Dear Ayatollah Mugsy,

Thanks for your last mail. I have gone through your site. Really i offerd 35% for the first time, but i was not happy when you needed me to add more 5% making 40% as you know that we are two down here.

If we give you 40% how much due you think that me and my partner here who is involved in this transaction will share?. Please you have to accept the 35% as you know that we are two here. So that we shall start the business as you know that we don't have enough time to waste.

Best regards

Mr.Ibrahim Wata.
+226-7647-1708.

You drive a hard bargain, Mr. Wata. I am ready to accept your 35 percent offer if -- and this is a big "if" -- you will throw in a large box of Milkbone dog biscuits at the completion of this transaction. It should be sent via UPS Priority Shipping. If you will consent to this minor concession, I will be willing to facilitate this transfer of funds. I believe this could be a great opportunity, both for you and your partner and for my congregation.
Best regards,
Mugsy
Supreme Ayatollah
Pug Life Ministries

P.S. -- Can you guarantee that my personal banking information will be safe in your hands? It occurs to me that this might be a slightly risky endeavour.