Thursday, April 13, 2006

The dream has a name

The longest-running election in modern history has come to a close, my friends. The canines have spoken. Freedom, thy name is Pugistan. When I started this blog, I had two goals: unspeakable wealth and the formation of an autonomous pug homeland in the American Southwest. We are 0 for 2 so far, but at least our future global superpower now has a name. Other nations will look up to Pugistan as a beacon of canine freedom. They will quake before our military might. And if we play our cards right, God willing, they will send us billions in foreign aid. The dream of Pugistan is closer than you think to becoming a reality. To borrow an analogy from my April Fool’s Day joke, we are like a bowling ball rolling slowly down the lane. Sometimes, it takes a while to reach the pins. But only a supreme weakling’s roll will lose its momentum and stop mid-lane. And I am no weakling -- just ask anyone who has played tug-of-war with me. Pugistan is our destiny.

But Pugistan is not our only destiny. What began as a pug secessionist movement has blossomed into an all-encompassing quest for canine nationhood. As one of this blog’s longest-serving and most respected readers pointed out, Pug Life Ministries is not just for pugs anymore. Our ranks include bulldogs and schnauzers, Jack Russell terriers and weimaraners, Brittany spaniels and Boston terriers. And don’t forget the beloved mutts. Every breed imaginable is represented in this congregation.

So Pugistan is only the beginning. We will form a federation of canine states, with open borders among them and free trade and universal access to rawhide. Perhaps we will call our federation the United Canine Emirates, or maybe another name will emerge. The name isn’t what matters; the important thing is that Pugistan will be but one of many canine states, from sea to shining sea.

Can you smell that smell, my friends? It is the future.

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