While trying to devise an insurance scam to extract some small bit of cash from the 4,000-pound paperweight that sits in my driveway, I was struck with an idea. But this will require some background information, so bear with me. As most of you probably know, there is nothing more obnoxious than a car salesman. They call you at home, even though they don't have what you're looking for. They hide your keys. They literally chase your vehicle as you circle the lot (this is the lone instance when you can have some fun at the salesman's expense). In short, nobody wants to do business with a car salesman. It is simply a necessity that some of us must endure. So, on to my stroke of genius.
On a recent trip to the local supermarket to purchase some matches and lighter fluid, I was approached by a young girl. "Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?" she asked, in her sweet, lilting voice. Like nearly everyone else at the grocery store, I could not resist. "Oh, that's the first box I've sold all day!" she exclaimed excitedly, for probably the 100th time that afternoon. The Girl Scouts' adorable sales tactics, the polar opposite of the accursed car salesman, roped me in.
This experience led to a capitalist-pug epiphany. So I am here today to ask for your help in an exciting new endeavor. You see, I am in need of an adorable juvenile salesforce for the newly formed Ayatollah Mugsy Scouts. We will sell the same types of cookies as the Girl Scouts; in fact, they will even come in the same packaging. But we will charge $6.50 a box, a full $3 more than the Girl Scouts. And because our salesgirls will be so darn cute in their little turbans and their Mugsy Merit Badges, you will not be able to resist. God willing, we will make millions. And then I will be able to pay someone to do my car shopping for me.