Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Send me your young daughters

While trying to devise an insurance scam to extract some small bit of cash from the 4,000-pound paperweight that sits in my driveway, I was struck with an idea. But this will require some background information, so bear with me. As most of you probably know, there is nothing more obnoxious than a car salesman. They call you at home, even though they don't have what you're looking for. They hide your keys. They literally chase your vehicle as you circle the lot (this is the lone instance when you can have some fun at the salesman's expense). In short, nobody wants to do business with a car salesman. It is simply a necessity that some of us must endure. So, on to my stroke of genius.

On a recent trip to the local supermarket to purchase some matches and lighter fluid, I was approached by a young girl. "Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?" she asked, in her sweet, lilting voice. Like nearly everyone else at the grocery store, I could not resist. "Oh, that's the first box I've sold all day!" she exclaimed excitedly, for probably the 100th time that afternoon. The Girl Scouts' adorable sales tactics, the polar opposite of the accursed car salesman, roped me in.

This experience led to a capitalist-pug epiphany. So I am here today to ask for your help in an exciting new endeavor. You see, I am in need of an adorable juvenile salesforce for the newly formed Ayatollah Mugsy Scouts. We will sell the same types of cookies as the Girl Scouts; in fact, they will even come in the same packaging. But we will charge $6.50 a box, a full $3 more than the Girl Scouts. And because our salesgirls will be so darn cute in their little turbans and their Mugsy Merit Badges, you will not be able to resist. God willing, we will make millions. And then I will be able to pay someone to do my car shopping for me.


rpm said...

Hey, we could sell those cookies on Ebay and you could buy your car from ebay and skip the car salesman tactics. And sell the cookies all year long and make tons more money that human scouts.

Leslee said...

Hmm.. currently I'm not willing to send you my daughter, but I'll let you know if the situation changes.

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

I don't know if people would pay $6.50 plus shipping for a box of cookies on eBay, Ragus Pug's Mama. I'm thinking we have to sucker them in with the cute Ayatollah Mugsy Scouts, in their blue turbans and fake curly tails.

That's too bad, Leslie. I'm sure she'd be quite the sales-scout.

Incidentally, for anyone else pondering sending me their daughters, you should know that I will not be keeping these children, as they are awfully expensive to feed and clothe. They would simply be put through a one-week sales training and indoctrination class and then returned to their homes to peddle our treats. That way we would have a wide geographic reach.

Leslee said...

Oh, in that case I'll send her for Spring Break!

Anonymous said...

Oh Holy Pug! I hope that you have not forgotten that the young Ayatollah Mugsy Scouts will need a chaperone. Surely you do not suggest that they go unaccompanied into the marketplace. I hope you will include training for those individuals that will go with the little ones. The world is full of infidels.

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

Chaperones, eh? I don't know ... that could get expensive if we have to pay the chaperones. If some upstanding individuals such as yourself would volunteer, then we could have chaperones. Regardless, the Ayatollah Mugsy Scouts will all be required to sign waivers.