Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Oral persuasion

Today, friends, I want to share with you a family story. Years ago, before I was born, my human great-grandparents inherited some money. Such events are documented at the local county offices, where a certain mass-media evangelist had his operatives posted. Shortly after receiving the inheritance, my great-grandmother got a package in the mail. It contained a vial of holy water and a note from Oral Roberts, urging her to share her new windfall with his ministry. This was years before his famed 1987 announcement that if he didn't raise $8 million, God would "call him home." My great-grandmother wasn't happy about this package. Roberts had never been in contact with her before, so it seemed unlikely that this vial of holy water was sent out of the goodness of his heart. As time passed, more packages arrived, including one that contained a small piece of fabric. A letter instructed my great-grandmother to put the fabric in the heel of her shoe to help her "stamp out the devil." Fed up, she called the evangelist's offices to demand that she be taken off his mailing list.

I tell you this story to illustrate a point about my leadership style. You see, my tactics differ greatly from those of Oral Roberts and the other mass-media evangelists of his ilk. Unlike those opportunistic money-grubbers, I will never send you anything.

4 comments:

Iggy and Bella said...

Thank you for your visit to us. We visit here often to recieve your words of wisdom. We have a question for you, about the chihuahuas... how do we make them go away? Or at the very least, get out of our bed. Not that we are frightened when they bare their little insignificant teeth at us, we back off purely out of our exceedingly good manners....

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

In my experience, the best way to deal with a meddlesome Chihuahua is to employ a technique I like to call the "Chihuahua pin." When it comes rushing at you, yapping and snapping, simply put your paw on its back and pin it to the ground. Because of the Chihuahua's limited mental capacity, it may take several pins before the message gets across. I hope this helps you. I at first tried good manners, but I have had better results with this technique.

Iggy and Bella said...

Oh dear! The chihuahuas we have here are of the rather fat and elderly variety, so far, thankfully, there has been no rushing at, yapping or snapping. Just firm entrenchment in our beds, favorite spots to sit and sleep and our food bowls, and complete ignoring any attempts of ours to dislocate them, or simply baring their teeth and making growls that sound like trillllllllling towards us. We're very confused. We've tried to make polite introductions, but they do not even seem interested in exchanging the simple greeting of mutual back end sniffing. We've settled disputes with much larger dogs than us with pinning and posturing, but these Chihuahuas don't seem to be phaseable, we are starting to wonder if they are even really dogs...

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

You are fortunate. I have had dealings with a much younger Chihuahua. I believe they are technically members of the rodent family, not canines.