Catching up

Hello, my beloved disciples. It has been a terribly busy week, and I've been working long, stressful hours at the mosque. Such is the life of a firebrand canine cleric. This has prevented me from imparting to you my wisdom on many significant events. So let me quickly catch you up:

• I really shouldn't have to say this, but it is strictly forbidden under Islam to implant heroin in puppies for smuggling purposes. This is reprehensible, and if the Armed Revolutionary Forces were ever to get ahold of these drug peddlers, we would show them what it is like to have foreign objects crammed in unnatural places.
• In a clear victory for true canines, Sony has halted production of its robot dog. As the engineers at Sony have no doubt learned, you cannot improve upon perfection.
• Dogs hold the key to improving the economy, a point that President Bush overlooked in his State of the Union address. According to a new survey, allowing workers to take their canine friends to work offers companies a huge competitive advantage. With their dogs around, workers are happier and have less stress, and a third are even willing to accept less money for a dog-friendly environment. So if your workplace is not dog-friendly, I implore you to take this information to your supervisors. And tell them Ayatollah Mugsy sent you.