Thawed out

Greetings, my flock. I have returned to the compound after spending much of the week away on business. I initially set out to Oklahoma City to quell a rebellion over the ministry's stance on chew-toy marriage. The stuffed infidels were staging protests and picketing Pug Life's Oklahoma Regional Headquarters. After crushing the insurrection and the chew toys' spirit, I found myself trapped by a major ice storm. At one point, my chauffeur was unable to get my vehicle back in the garage for over an hour -- the driveway was simply too steep and slick. Thankfully, the ice began to melt later in the week.

Because of my prolonged absence, I asked my little brother, Wendell, to blog in my place. But I see that he neglected his duties. He has recently developed a romantic attachment to a teddy bear, and I fear that this cotton-filled harpy is monopolizing Wendell's time and setting a bad example for him.

It's a gas, gas, gas

One of my friends on Facebook recently said that she wished her pug were not so "gaseous." And this, I suppose, is understandable. There are times when my aroma offends even myself. So strong are my instincts for self-preservation that mother and father often notice me leaping down from their laps shortly before any smell hits their nose. You see, I know what is coming. But humans should not bemoan such emissions. On the contrary, they should welcome them. In the coming canine revolution, this will be our secret weapon -- on a grand scale. And those fortunate enough to have slowly built up an immunity will fare much better than those being subjected to this frightening and disorienting brand of biological warfare for the first time.

Dogs in the news

Hey, everybody. Wendell here. Big Brother Mugsy is busy preparing his next fiery sermon, but he had some news items that he thought might interest the congregation. He asked me to post them, so here goes:

• The American Kennel Club has released its list of the most popular purebred dogs in America, and the Labrador Retriever leads the way for the 18th consecutive year. Congrats, dawg! The pug came in at No. 15, and the American Foxhound was the least popular breed at No. 158. So if you've got a Foxhound, you've got a rare treat. Here is the top 10:
  
  1. Labrador Retriever
  2. Yorkshire Terrier
  3. German Shepherd
  4. Golden Retriever
  5. Beagle
  6. Boxer
  7. Dachshund
  8. Bulldog
  9. Poodle
  10. Shih Tzu

• Actor Mickey Rourke was amazing in the new movie The Wrestler. (Or so I've heard; it's rated R, and I'm just a puppy. OK; I admit it. I sneaked in. Come on -- it has a character named the Ayatollah, how could I miss that?) Rourke has gotten lots of attention lately for resurrecting his career, which had fallen off the map after a promising start in the 1980s. And he credits his dogs for helping him through the tough times. "For anyone who is down and out, I say do yourself a favor and get a dog -- even if you're not down and out," he says. Rourke is the caretaker of six dogs -- four Chihuahuas, a pug and a Samoyed. Maybe he'll bring them along when he picks up his Best Actor Oscar on Feb. 22.

• But if Mickey dresses up his dogs in little tuxes and gowns for the awards show, he might draw the ire of the RSPCA in Britain. The group is seeking legal action against humans who "overdress" their pets. The group says that dressing pets in human-like garments — such as boots, overalls and hoodies — could be harmful for dogs, and owners could be prosecuted if an animal's welfare is deemed to be at risk, the Daily Mail reports. Let's hope they don't find out about this year's Pug-O-Ween!

Jake: 2001-2009

Today, I lost an old friend. Rabbi Jake, one of the elders of Pug Life Ministries, passed away after falling ill last week. I first met Jake when I was a puppy. He, too, was a youngster, and although we were about the same age, he always seemed like an older dog. Health problems plagued the schnauzer throughout his too-short life. He struggled to stand up on his own in recent years, but once he was upright, he still derived great pleasure from taking long, leisurely walks around the neighborhood. It was my distinct privilege to accompany him on some of those excursions. The sights and smells he'd encounter on those Oklahoma sidewalks always made Jake's day, and he would often give a grateful nip on the nose to his humans to show his appreciation.

Jake made his first appearance on this blog in the ministry's early days, back in 2005. And since then, I was honored to have Jake at my side for numerous momentous occasions. Our efforts for Mideast peace frequently left us exhausted, yet always hopeful. Jake was there to help me through the enriched rawhide crisis of 2006, and he helped me celebrate at the inaugural Ayatollah Mugsy Scouts spring cotillion last year. Jake also introduced me to the brand of canine freedom that only a doggy door can provide. We shared toys, bones and an appreciation for a good belly rub or a scratch behind the ears. You know, the finer things in life.

I am saddened that I will have no more adventures with Rabbi Jake, either on this blog or in his living room. Like all dogs, he was taken from us too soon. But I know that Jake was always loved by his family, and that he returned that love unconditionally. This, ultimately, makes the grief that we are now experiencing worthwhile.

Goodbye, my friend. We'll miss you.

Transfer of power

I have been involved today in a major transfer of power involving the U.S. government, my flock. Fortunately, the media have been too caught up in this whole inauguration spectacle to notice my maneuverings. The longer we can keep my Pugistani power grab under the radar, the better.

Dog park insult

Wendell and I took a recent trip to the Plano dog park, one of my favorite spots for sniffing and recruiting new followers to the ministry. Wendell has a touch of social anxiety disorder, but overall, he seemed to enjoyed his outing -- though I do wish he wouldn't lie on his back to let other dogs sniff him. Such behavior is unbecoming a possible future ayatollah. As I sniffed at a particularly fragrant patch of grass, near the park's fire hydrant, a young boy strode toward me. He came from a good 30 feet away, his eyes fixed on me the entire time. I assumed he was a fan, perhaps seeking an autograph. Or a child leper in need of healing. But he stopped short in his approach. Looking at my face and speaking to no one in particular, the boy said, "He's not very ... cute."

I am sure that your jaw just dropped, fair reader, as did my mother's. "I think he's very cute," mother said, stating the obvious.

You may be wondering what fate befell this boy who dared to impugn my cuteness. But I took the high road, my flock. I did not point out to the little hooligan that he was the ugliest child in the entire enclosure. (Though he surely was; father probably would have been tempted to say so if he had heard what the urchin said.) Nor did I order the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) to take him into custody for "interrogation," or worse. No, I simply turned the other cheek. Just as the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, spared the town of Ta'if after its residents threw stones at him, I allowed this boy to escape punishment for his verbal assault. Am I getting soft in my old age? Pray it is not so.

Maybe next year ...

Well, my flock, it was not meant to be for the Sooners. Wendell and I are dealing with the loss in our own unique ways (above). But overall, it was a good season, and the Sooners should be proud of their accomplishments in winning their third straight Big 12 title.

In related news, I have instructed the Voodoo wing of Pug Life Ministries to construct a doll of the mutant Tim Tebow for possible use next year. It is not that I have anything against the Florida quarterback personally; I simply cannot bear to listen to another announcer fawn over him.

"Five minutes with Tim Tebow, and your life is forever
changed for the better."

"He is unquestionably the greatest leader in the
country."

"He has traveled abroad on mission trips, living in
orphanages and a leper colony. Many children are named after Tebow in the
Philippines."

It was as if they were talking in those silly Chuck Norris slogans. Or about me.

A prayer for the Sooners

Oh great, merciful Allah, we know that you are a busy deity and cannot always follow your favorite football team. But we pray that you will find the time tonight to watch over the almighty Sooners as they pursue their eighth national championship. We pray that you will empower your favorite offense as it rains down touchdowns on the Florida Gators. We pray that you will help coach Bob Stoops, peace be upon him, hoist another BCS championship trophy over his head. And we pray that you will protect the players on both sides from injuries. (Though a minor, 24-hour injury to scratch Gators quarterback Tim Tebow from the lineup -- perhaps a hangnail -- would be acceptable and even, God willing, appreciated.)

In Allah's name we pray, amen.

New Year's Eve: It's 2009!

The tennis ball has just dropped, and Wendell is going wild! Happy New Year! Peace and belly rubs be upon you, my flock. May Allah bless you all in 2009, and may the family of the Jonas Brothers not sue the ministry.