Friendly wager

With my beloved Sooners set to take on BYU in today's season opener, it seemed only natural to make a friendly wager on the game with my good friend and business partner Pugham Young. Pugham, you may recall, is the leader of the Mormon wing of Pug Life Ministries. A huge fan of the BYU Cougars, he has attended every game in the Utah school's 133-year history. He remains incredibly spry after recently celebrating his 190th birthday, attributing his longevity to clean living and daily belly rubs.

When Pugham called and proposed a wager, I accepted on the spot. So confident was I in the Sooners' ability to prevail, even against a stout opponent like the 20th-ranked Cougars, that I didn't even bother to listen to his terms. For all I know, I may have signed away my harem in the event of a BYU win.

But instead of worrying about such possibilities, I kept my eyes on the prize: what Pugham would forfeit to me when my favored school prevailed. I put much thought into my terms for the wager, but ultimately my decision was clear. I have long been intrigued by the so-called "magic underwear" worn by Mormons, and given my somewhat notorious background, you might expect that I'd ask Pugham for a set of my own. And you'd be exactly right.

Go Sooners! The ayatollah needs a fix!

Maybe next year ...

Well, my flock, it was not meant to be for the Sooners. Wendell and I are dealing with the loss in our own unique ways (above). But overall, it was a good season, and the Sooners should be proud of their accomplishments in winning their third straight Big 12 title.

In related news, I have instructed the Voodoo wing of Pug Life Ministries to construct a doll of the mutant Tim Tebow for possible use next year. It is not that I have anything against the Florida quarterback personally; I simply cannot bear to listen to another announcer fawn over him.

"Five minutes with Tim Tebow, and your life is forever
changed for the better."

"He is unquestionably the greatest leader in the
country."

"He has traveled abroad on mission trips, living in
orphanages and a leper colony. Many children are named after Tebow in the
Philippines."

It was as if they were talking in those silly Chuck Norris slogans. Or about me.

A prayer for the Sooners

Oh great, merciful Allah, we know that you are a busy deity and cannot always follow your favorite football team. But we pray that you will find the time tonight to watch over the almighty Sooners as they pursue their eighth national championship. We pray that you will empower your favorite offense as it rains down touchdowns on the Florida Gators. We pray that you will help coach Bob Stoops, peace be upon him, hoist another BCS championship trophy over his head. And we pray that you will protect the players on both sides from injuries. (Though a minor, 24-hour injury to scratch Gators quarterback Tim Tebow from the lineup -- perhaps a hangnail -- would be acceptable and even, God willing, appreciated.)

In Allah's name we pray, amen.