Saturday, June 28, 2008

Beating the heat

Hey, everybody, Wendell here again. It is HOT outside. I was born last August and didn't go outside much my first couple of months, so this is my first real taste of the Texas heat. When it's this hot, a pug's gotta do whatever he can to stay cool. Fortunately, I don't share my big brother's aversion to water. So I've been hittin' the hose pretty frequently.

Ahhhh .... so refreshing.

The humans won't let me come back inside before I dry off, so I try to help them out. Now you're probably wondering how Mugsy beats the heat. Well, he has his own favorite method:

Air conditioning.

Uga: 1998-2008

Like Mugsy, I'm a Sooner pug. But I still recognize that the University of Georgia has one of the coolest mascots around. Sadly, Uga passed away last night. The sixth bulldog to roam the sidelines in Athens, he was the winningest mascot in school history, guiding the football team to an 87-27 record during his tenure. We'll miss you, Uga.

Friday, June 27, 2008

More human tomfoolery

It happened again: Pops sent us outside when he heard the repairman drive up. You'd think he'd have learned his lesson. Last time, the Maytag repairman (yes, those commercials are a total sham) said he couldn't fix the oven. He had to order a part. Order a part! If dad had just let us pugs inside, Mugsy could have fashioned a new part out of stray piles of fur. Seriously, Mugsy can do anything. At least, that's what he tells me. So anyway, the part finally arrived, and out we went. Then, through the glass door, we saw a fireball erupt from the oven. Yeah, it's still not fixed; the human repair guy ordered the wrong part. I'm starting to think Big Brother is on to something with his plans for canine rule.

Anyway, just wanted to fill you all in on the latest at the compound. Mugsy's been doing well after his surgery and will go to have his stitches out next week. He should be back blogging soon. Oh, gotta go; mom just broke out a new pack of rawhide! Peace, out.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Outside looking in

Hi, all. Wendell here again. Mugsy and I are out in the back yard -- thank God for wireless Internet. It looks like we may be stuck here till the appliance repairman leaves. Like Mugsy says, how is the guy going to fix our oven properly without us standing two feet away to bark nonstop guidance? I think father's making a big mistake ...

Ugly dogs! Clones! And God arrested!

Hi, everybody. Wendell here. Big Brother told me that I need to keep his blog updated while he's recuperating from surgery, and that's not a duty I take lightly. Even though I occasionally bite him and get on his nerves, I have nothing but respect and admiration for the big fella. Had the ayatollah not taken me under his wing when I first arrived at the compound, my only role models would be our human parents. And nobody wants that. So I'm going to try to make Mugsy proud. Here's a roundup of some news that might interest the congregation:

Congratulations are in order for Gus, who was crowned the world's ugliest dog over the weekend at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in California. Gus has one eye, almost no hair, and he's rockin' three legs. But still, he's kind of cute. Not pug-puppy-cute, mind you, but cute. He's no threat to the dynasty of ugliness that was the late, great three-time champ Sam. Fortunately, there were no scandals in this year's contest like the one in the 2006 competition.

The congregation might also be interested to learn that a California company will give away a free dog cloning to the pet owner who best pleads his or her canine's case for immortality. BioArts International says it will accept submissions for the Golden Clone Giveaway in the form of 500-word essays submitted by 3 p.m. today. The ayatollah has made clear his feelings on the matter, so I strongly discourage you from entering.

Finally, you may have heard that God was arrested on a charge of selling cocaine near a Florida church. Don't worry; Mugsy assures me it's not that God.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Post-op pug

Greetings, my flock. I am recovering from surgery at the ayatollah compound. I went under the knife on Friday to have some spots removed before they turn into something dangerous. In my short time on this orb, I have been through numerous operations. In fact, I now have more stitches and scar tissue than the buffoons on satellite TV's "Cutlery Corner."

But that which does not kill me only makes me hungrier. My appetite is fully restored, and I am rapidly regaining my strength. Last night, I even briefly gave chase to young Wendell, before my parents intervened to settle me down. Although I am doing well, my veterinarian wants me to take it easy for the next week or two. So I will be temporarily turning over my blogging duties to young Wendell. I believe he is ready to take on such a major responsibility, and he should bring a fresh, young perspective to the pulpit. God willing, he will help the ministry capture some of the coveted "tween" demographic.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Naval exercises grow

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Armed Revolutionary Forces ratcheted up its show of naval might early Friday, with dozens of submarines surfacing off the coastlines of each of the world's continents.

Pentagon and independent military analysts alike expressed shock over the immense size of the canine-helmed fleet, which before this week had been thought to consist of just two pugs, a rubber ducky chew toy and an inflatable raft. Even more disturbing, Pentagon officials said, was the growing interspecies cooperation on display.

"Ayatollah Mugsy, the ARF's spiritual leader, seems to have tapped into the zeitgeist of the animal kingdom," said Doug Jones of the RAND Corp., a nonprofit research organization.

Off the Irish coast, Labrador retrievers conducted joint exercises with a pod of dolphins. Witnesses said the dolphins appeared to have missiles mounted on their fins, and analysts suspected they had defected from a top-secret U.S. Navy program because of the ARF's superior food rations.

Half a world away, a clan of barking sea lions set up a naval blockade near the Golden Gate Bridge. The marine mammals, which swore allegiance to Ayatollah Mugsy last fall, were boarding and searching all ships entering and exiting San Francisco Bay.

The ayatollah reportedly set the naval exercises in motion in response to public comments that were deemed a threat to his Pug Life Ministries. "This show of force seems to be having the desired effect," said the RAND Corp.'s Jones. "I suspect that any human would think twice before challenging the ayatollah's authority."

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Show of force

ABOARD THE HMS GREYHOUND, Gulf of Mexico (AP) -- The world's largest interfaith, interspecies ministry flexed its naval muscles Thursday in a massive show of force off the Texas coast.

Members of the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) naval branch engaged in exercises across a broad swath of the Gulf of Mexico, with upwards of 8,000 seadogs taking part. The ARF is the military wing of Pug Life Ministries, led by the enigmatic Ayatollah Mugsy.

The exercises included artillery bombardment, torpedo targeting and a scuba demonstration by the elite special-operations Chihuahua Force. Details on the Chihuahua Force are sketchy, but its members are rumored to be experts in dog-paddling and underwater demolitions, as well as highly trained assassins.

The show of force is believed to be the result of a heightened alert level at the ministry, whose leader has at times been called insular and paranoid. Officials at Ayatollah Mugsy's office declined to comment.

The U.S. Navy scrambled F/A-18 fighter jets in response to the ARF naval exercises, but Navy officials, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said they wanted to make sure the situation did not escalate.

"So far, these dogs are just engaging in training exercises," said one high-ranking admiral. "The last thing we want to do is provoke them."

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Ministry on alert

Pug Life's intelligence services have reported an increase in negative chatter, leaving me no choice but to raise the collective hackles of the ministry to DEFCON 3. For those who prefer their alerts to be color-coded, this would be somewhere between fuchsia and periwinkle in the Crayola box. At this heightened alert level, you may notice more frequent heavy breathing or panting on the line as you engage in telephone conversations. Pay this no mind; it is for your own protection. Further details to come ...

Monday, June 09, 2008

Whirlwind day

This has been a wild season for tornadoes, my flock. Just a few weeks ago, I was in Oklahoma watching a wall cloud on TV spawn tornado after tornado, eight to 10 in all. Some fizzled out quickly, while others grew to enormous size and ravaged the countryside. The video, shot from a helicopter alongside the wall cloud and by storm-chasers on the ground, was both impressive and humbling. It was a reminder of Allah's power. And no canine knows that power better than Chase the Rottweiler. You see, the dog in suburban Chicago was picked up by a twister over the weekend. One of his human relatives, a 10-year-old, looked out the window and saw a gust of wind carry Chase four feet off the ground. Others saw the dog take flight as well. The tornado damaged buildings and shattered car windows, sending debris flying. Miraculously, Chase survived this swirling terror. After the storm, the 130-pound dog was found shaken but unharmed about a block away. Allahu akbar!

Friday, June 06, 2008

Mugsy praises court ruling

Let it be known that I commend the enlightened nation of Norway for its Supreme Court's stance on canine civil rights. In a landmark ruling handed down yesterday, the court said that police dogs are public servants, so any attack on a police dog is no different than an attack on a human officer. This common-sense ruling was long overdue, and it should be emulated the world over. Every day, brave canines risk their lives to police the unruly human population. We track down fugitives, sniff out bombs and chat with would-be child predators online to ensnare them, in concert with Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator (what -- did you think Chris Hanson did all that work by himself?). And in return, we ask only for food and water and perhaps, God willing, an occasional belly rub.

Norway's ruling came in the case of Casper the police dog, who chased down a loathsome burglar when his human handlers could not keep up. The thief kicked and punched Casper, but Casper would not back down. Like any dedicated police dog, he collared the perp.

Casper, a proud canine nation salutes you. The next doughnut is on us.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Farewell, Esther

It was a bittersweet day at the ayatollah compound. Esther, our polygamist-sect foster child, was reunited with her parents last night. While we were happy to see the smile on her face, we were also saddened by the realization that she hadn't yet had the time to repaint our chimney or repair our leaning fence. Still, the compound has never been cleaner, and we owe a debt of gratitude to Esther and her strong fundamentalist work ethic. God willing, our application for a foreign-exchange student will be approved, and our other household projects will be taken care of in short order.

Before she left, Esther presented Wendell and me with the outfits she had been sewing for us. Wendell, overcome with puppy excitement, immediately tried his on.

"Esther," I barked, "I think I will save mine for a special occasion."