It has been a momentous day for the Pugistani nation, as we secured our first-ever Olympic torch relay. After a series of troubled torch runs around the world, rife with anti-China demonstrations and shortened routes, the torch had been set to return to China following Tuesday's run in Vietnam. But I picked up the Pug Life phone and made an urgent call, waking Chinese President Hu Jintao at 3 a.m. "Hu," I barked, "you must send the torch to Pugistan. China is the pug's ancestral homeland, and the ties between us run deep. Plus, God willing, I would like to roast some marshmallows." I then assured President Hu that there would be no protests to embarrass his nation -- my ability to suppress dissent is legendary, and no Tibet-loving Lhasa Apso is going to steal my thunder. After consulting with his godless communist cohorts, President Hu agreed to formally recognize Pugistan as a nation and send the torch to the ayatollah compound, where it is scheduled to arrive in the morning via UPS.
Tomorrow, I will pass the torch to my little brother to officially kick off our relay and usher in a new era of international respect for Pugistan. Allahu akbar! Then I will pray that young Wendell does not burn the house down with one of his wild figure-eight sprints.