Friday, April 11, 2008

Announcement regarding Sister Bella

Many of you know the long and sordid story of Bella the Chihuahua. She began her career with Pug Life Ministries' Catholic wing as a nun. She was not exactly sweet, but still, she was fairly innocuous. Somewhere down the line, however, she snapped. Bella returned to her ancestral homeland of Mexico, where she wreaked havoc on unsuspecting villagers as a feared bandit. Even members of the drug cartels cowered before her and the marauding gang that she directed. She was cold and merciless, leaving grievous ankle wounds from the Texas border to Mexico City. Finally, the ministry intervened, sending an elite squad of bulldog commandos to apprehend Bella. Her subsequent exorcism, in which she temporarily killed the pope and very nearly took my own life, was the stuff of both legend and nightmare. But it seemed to be effective -- for a while. Once again, the demons began to take hold of Bella's soul, causing her to lash out at the ministry and viciously attack rock star Tom Petty during last summer's Pug Life Telethon.

She escaped and was later taken into custody by federal authorities, and from there the trail went cold. Despite putting the Armed Revolutionary Forces' top bloodhounds on the case, we were unable to locate her. Until now. Yesterday, one of my top-secret moles within the White House sent me a communique regarding Sister Bella's status. It seems she is being held as an enemy combatant, deemed too dangerous to be allowed in the civilian legal system. She was transported to Jordan under the CIA's "extraordinary rendition" program, where authorities hoped to break her down and gain information from her via questionable interrogation techniques. The Jordanians are noted for their ruthlessness, their cruelty. But in this instance, they found that the blood on their hands was their own -- courtesy of a thousand bites from Bella's razor-sharp teeth. She was returned to the U.S. and sent to a maximum-security holding cell at a U.S. naval brig, where she resides today.

Tonight, I am going to visit Sister Bella. God willing, I will return to tell the tale.

7 comments:

Quasi said...

Wow, Sister Bella is her own weapon of mass destruction! I’d like to tell you that I’ve written a scathingly funny book, The World Is Your Litter Box, which will be out May 6th. The book is cleverly disguised as a cute cat book so humans will buy it, but is, in fact, a how-to manual FOR cats. Check it out on my website, www.theworldisyourlitterbox.com.

Sarah O. said...

May Allah be with you, your holiness.

Anonymous said...

I wish you a safe journey and Allah's protection as you face Bella. Rabbi Jake

Nan and B.A.G.S. the pug said...

My husband ... be safe! The harem and Mugsey II will miss you. Wendell will happily keep us company. :)

Nevis said...

bulldog commandos!!! Frightening, indeed!

Nan and B.A.G.S. the pug said...

MY husband... I know you are fighting the forcess of evil and Sister Bella.... but could you please ask Allah to help my Mummy? She is quite sick with a nasty cold and all my Pug Clingy-ness doesn't seem to cure her. She seems to be a bit on the mend but not as much as I would like. I am suffering from the lack of walkies and more devotions to nappy time.

As you can see I am quite worried... Aine.

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

Nice to meet you, Quasi. Please have your publisher get in touch with me. I am finally ready to publish my memoirs.

Thank you, Sarah O., Rabbi Jake and Aine. Aine, have your mother pray before her propaganda poster at least five times a day until fully healed.

Just be glad the bulldogs are on our side, Nevis.