TELETHON: 'Mugsy's Kids'

How about those Rockettes, everyone? Don't they look mah-velous? This is Billy Crystal, the ayatollah's co-emcee for this fine, fine event. Let me tell you, when Mugsy called me up and told me about this telethon, I dropped everything. "When Harry Met Sally: Part 2" -- the ink was already dry on the contract. "Sorry," I told the producers. The movie is going to have to wait. This telethon is too important, this cause too great to ignore. Pug Life is more than just an interfaith, interspecies ministry. Its charitable works touch all facets of society. So now, let's talk about one of them. I have here with me Timmy Hesterberger, an 11-year-old who's spent the last few weeks at Ayatollah Mugsy's Youth Indoctrination Camp.

Billy: Hi, Timmy. How are you today?

Timmy: Good, sir.

Billy: Good, good ... I've often heard you campers referred to as "Mugsy's Kids," but it's my understanding that the ayatollah was neutered back in '01. How is this possible?

Timmy: The phrase shouldn't be taken literally, sir.

Billy: Oh, right. OK, well tell me, Timmy, what kinds of things have you learned at Mugsy's youth camp?

Timmy: Discipline. Respect. Physical and mental toughness. Subservience to the superior canine race. Proper technique for sneaking human food under the table.

Billy: Wow, sounds like you've been busy! And the funding for the camp, that all comes from donors, right? People who click on that PayPal link on the right side of the page?

Timmy: A small portion, sir. The rest comes from our large tuition payments and our work in the forced labor cam ...

Billy: OK! Thank you, Timmy, for that informative conversation. Isn't he a great kid, folks? Let's all give him a hand!