Let's try this again

After a fruitless trip to Texas Motor Speedway, where the proprietor did not even open the door when I scratched, I headed to American Airlines Center. The more I thought about it, the more perfect the basketball and hockey arena seemed. The Texas summer sun is unbearable for a pug. Why would I want to be exposed to the elements all day in an outdoor stadium? Air-conditioned comfort -- now that is a setting befitting an ayatollah. Once at the downtown Dallas venue, I strode to the security guard. "I am here to see Mark Cuban," I barked. "Tell him Ayatollah Mugsy is here."

"Uh, certainly, Your Holiness," the guard stammered, adjusting the Ayatollah Mugsy button on his lapel. I took this as a good omen.

A short while later, I was escorted to the office of the Dallas Mavericks owner. "Mr. Cuban," I barked, "as you no doubt know, I am staging a major telethon tomorrow. I am prepared to let you host it."

"Well, Mugsy, this is very short notice," he said. "If we could get everything set up in time -- and I'm not saying we could -- but if we could, we'd probably be looking at a five-figure rental fee. Do you have that kind of money?"

I took a moment to let this sink in. "Mr. Cuban," I barked, "might you be willing to accept a four-figure offer, if I threw in certain ... other considerations?"

"I'm a businessman," he replied. "I'm willing to listen. I certainly don't want to get on your bad side, not after what your boycott did to Comcast."

I nodded confidently to my father, and he scribbled a number on a piece of paper. I then slid it across the desk.

"Um, Mugsy," he said, "you do realize that the numbers after the decimal ..."

"Wait," I interrupted, setting a pair of dog biscuits down on top of the paper. I smiled broadly at the billionaire, certain that this offer would be sufficient.

But it was not to be. It seems he would rather have his shiny arena closed down for the day than host a once-in-a-lifetime event of global, nay, universal significance. No matter; I am sure I can find a suitable location by morning. God willing ...