In life, hotel magnate Leona Helmsley was reviled as the "Queen of Mean." Yet in death, we find that she couldn't have been all bad. She did care enough about her dog, Trouble, to leave her $12 million and an eternal resting place in a mausoleum fit for an ayatollah. Some scoff at such a sum. Some find it deplorable that her canine received more cash than two of her grandchildren, to say nothing of the other two who received nothing at all. But I find her gift to her beloved Maltese to be commendable. In fact, I urge you all to rewrite your wills right now -- before it's too late -- specifying a sizable bequest for the ministry. In this way, you can help all canines of faith.
My mother was among those who suggested that $12 million was too much to leave to a dog, which instantly raised my eyebrow. I pray that she misspoke. But father answered that if he were a billionaire, he would absolutely leave behind millions for the care of his only furry son. Then again, father also said that he would build a gleaming Dogloo mosque for all the world's successive generations to marvel at. So in addition to being a true pug patriot, he is one who would be known, under a best-case scenario, as an eccentric.
But enough about my family; I don't want to stray too far from the subject at hand. If you'll excuse me, I have a date with an heiress to arrange.