Good morning! Welcome, everybody, to the first-ever Pug Life Telethon. Some of you may have been doubtful that this day would ever arrive. True, we've had some travails. Some trials. Even some tribulations. After being rejected by Texas Stadium, Texas Motor Speedway, American Airlines Center, the House of Blues, Six Flags, Chuck E. Cheese's, Hooters, the Dallas Parks and Recreation Department and a host of other entities, our prospects looked bleak. But I am a focused, persevering pug. Just ask any human who has ever tried to eat in front of me.
And so here I am, coming to you live from my living room. It is not as grand a setting as I had hoped for, but Billy Crystal has made himself comfortable on the recliner, and we have some dancers changing into burqas in the bathroom. Everything, I am certain, will work out fine.
I had hoped to be able to broadcast live on network television, so that you could tune in and see every moment live. Unfortunately, this has proven impossible. But those of you with older TV sets might be in luck; if you turn the dial three-sevenths of the way between channels 8 and 9 and adjust the rabbit ears just right, you should be able to pick up a signal. If you are within three miles of the ayatollah compound. And you have ample aluminum foil.
But fret not, the rest of you. I will be blogging throughout the day to bring you highlights from the telethon, which will undoubtedly rock my living room in a way it has never been rocked before. Are you ready, my flock? Yes, I thought so. Let the telethon begin!
[Cue the dancers.]