Everything is just ducky

OK, I had a premonition that something bad was going to happen before the year ended, but it looks like we're almost in the clear. Everything seems calm and quiet around the ministry, so I guess I was just being a worrywart. Sorry if I alarmed anyone. Happy New Year, everybody. May 2007 bring the return of a newly sober Ayatollah Mugsy.
- Mallard

Still no word from the ayatollah

Hey everybody, it's Mallard again. I haven't been able to get ahold of Ayatollah Mugsy in over a week. I even fired up the searchlight in our back yard to try to contact his alleged alter-ego, but he never called. I heard a rumor that Mugsy's roommate at the rehab facility is Tawny Kitaen. That must be very traumatic for him, so I don't want to put any unnecessary stress on him. Those panty-addiction demons can be tough to defeat -- or so I've heard -- and the ayatollah needs to take his time and get well.

But I'm really starting to get worried. I can't quite put my feather on it, but something just isn't right here at the ministry. I know, I know -- I could just be reacting to the void left in my life by the absence of my mentor and spiritual adviser. I'm sure you're all going through the same thing. But I think it's more than that. Maybe it's my avian intuition, or maybe I'm just being a Chicken Little, but I have a feeling that something bad is going to happen in the next few days. Something very bad.

Odd happenings

Mugsy, if you read this, please call me on the hotline ASAP. Something strange is going on at the ministry.
- Mallard

Tabloid trash

This is Mallard, coming to you with great reluctance. But I am the ayatollah's servant, so I will do as he says. Mugsy sent me a telegram informing me that he has reached Step 5 in his 12-step recovery program. "Admit to God, to ourselves and to another the exact nature of our wrongs." And so rather than have the ministry try to cover this up, as we would normally do, he has asked me to post an image of this tabloid trash. It nearly breaks my heart to see the ayatollah so viciously maligned. I mean, these photos are clearly taken out of context. That stupid feline paparazzi; I knew we should have waterboarded him for the sake of national security.

But the ayatollah says to post it, so I'll post it. Oh, Mugsy, please come back soon.

Details emerge

Mallard here. I've been going back and forth over whether to post this. I can't get ahold of the ayatollah to get his approval. But I figure he'd be OK with it; he did give me his Blogger password. I know I'm interested in hearing all the info I can on his condition, so I figure you would be, too. So here's this story I found:

DALLAS -- (NYT) The canine religious community was reeling Friday after news broke that Ayatollah Mugsy, the charismatic leader of Pug Life Ministries, had checked into an undisclosed rehab facility.

In a post on his blog, The Ayatollah's Teachings, the pug icon wrote that he was seeking treatment for substance abuse.

According to a source within the ministry, the substance in question is women's undergarments.

"Mugsy's wrestled in the past with these demons," said the source, who asked to remain anonymous. "Before he found Allah, he was a well-known pantyhound. He even did time in the pound because of it."

The ayatollah chronicled his battle with underwear chewing in his official autobiography. In Chapter IV, he wrote about his harrowing descent into addiction, describing himself as "a junkie, pure and simple." The cleric, formerly a platinum-selling recording star, said his fame gave him unfettered access to undergarments. "I was like a slightly less wrinkly Tom Jones," he wrote. "Every night, women would fling their panties onto the stage."

In Chapters V and VI, Mugsy detailed how his addiction led him to commit large-scale panty larceny during a Mary Kay Cosmetics convention in Dallas. He was convicted and served time for the offense.

Representatives of Mary Kay declined to comment.

A mailing from Victoria's Secret offering a free pair of panties may have contributed to the mullah's relapse, quacked another source at the ministry, on the condition of anonymity.

"I guess he had been under a lot of stress anyway, as the spiritual adviser to millions. Well, then he saw that postcard, and he just snapped," the source said. "The next thing I knew, he was burrowing through the laundry pile, salivating, wildly looking for something to chew."

Other celebrities who have battled undergarment addiction include Robin Williams, James Carville and Dr. Laura.

Rosie outlook

This is Mallard again. The ayatollah sent me a telegram from rehab and asked me to post the following statement for him:

As a Chinese pug, I urge my fellow Asian-Americans to forgive Rosie O'Donnell for her recent comments. Though her attempt at humor may have missed the mark, I do not believe she meant any disrespect.

Mugsy also mentioned contacting Ms. O'Donnell to see if she'd be interested in joining his harem. I'm really starting to worry about him ...

Mugsy enters rehab

This is Mallard, the ayatollah's aide-de-camp. Mugsy is going to be away from his blogging station for a while, but he asked me to post a statement. He said it was important that you hear the news here first. Here is Mugsy's statement:

On Thursday evening, I entered a rehab facility for treatment of substance abuse. Leading the world's largest interfaith, interspecies ministry is a gargantuan task, and in recent months I have been under a tremendous amount of stress. Over the last few days, I reached something of a breaking point. I was pushed over the edge by my negative blog review on Frogmyblog.com and a trip to Wal-Mart in which I went to the "Speedy, 10 Items or Less Lane" and had to wait while the woman in front of me bought 45 stuffed animals. In my distressed state, not even my imported Italian Biscroks could console me. So I sought solace in my addictions. I hope that you will be patient as I work through these issues of substance abuse. Only by overcoming my weaknesses can I prove myself worthy of the mantle of leadership.

You win some, you lose some

After appealing for your ballot-stuffing help a couple of weeks ago, I have been remiss in not officially announcing the results of Dogmark's Cool Dog of the Month contest. Thanks to your help and the guiding paw of almighty Allah, we have triumphed. To those of you who voted: Thank you for your support. This win nearly restored my faith in democracy.*

* Though I do still think it would be best for Pugistan to be a theocratic dictatorship.

Although this blog was victorious in the Dogmark contest, it did not fare so well in another arena. A few months ago, I submitted The Ayatollah's Teachings for review by Frogmyblog.com. It has come to my attention that the review is in, and it is not pretty. As you will see, the teacher (that would be me) received a failing grade. My biggest sin? Lack of originality.

According to the reviewer, I am just the latest pug to jump into the "pet blogging fad." And all this time, I thought human blogging was a bigger trend. This negative review has wounded me to my very core. Can I continue? Can I go on teaching, knowing that I am an "F" student? Frankly, I do not know. I will have to pray on it.

To read the source of my immense angst and shame, click here.

My brother

Good day to you, beloved zealots of Pug Life. I hope that Allah has been smiling upon you. He was surely smiling upon me a few days ago when he blessed me with a new brother, if only for a few hours. Let me now tell you the story. I had just emerged from my monthly bath, so naturally I wanted nothing more than to run wild circles in the back yard and rub my newly clean fur in the leaves. I was doing just that, working off my pent-up bathtime energy, when I heard a faint yap. Across the street stood a tiny white dog, his fur matted and slightly dirty. I halted my whirling-dervish routine and went with my parents to check on this little fellow. It only took a biscuit to lure him to us, and we soon found that he was wearing no collar, no tag.

My mother took this poor street dog inside the ayatollah compound while my father and I looked around for a human caretaker. We saw only a band of roving street urchins, who promptly ran when they spotted us. Using my highly trained sniffing skills, I tracked them to their back yard, just up the creek from our house. We interrogated the urchins and found that they had no knowledge of the canine's home, although they did say they had seen him out wandering the day before. After warning the little scamps not to disturb my neighborhood markings or seek to outdo them, I brought my father back to the house to check on the young fellow. Upon closer inspection, we determined that he was, in fact, a he. And a maltese, as well, we suspected. He was eager to eat and drink, and so being a charitable ministry, we obliged him.

My mother went out to see if she could find any signs posted related to this maltese, while I began to speak to him to try to find some answers. At first, he appeared a bit scared. Although I am no large dog, I positively dwarfed him. And he was no doubt intimidated by my commanding presence. But he soon warmed to me, and we took turns chasing each other in the back yard. Afterward, we went back inside to study the Quran.

My mother's search for the rightful caretaker bore no fruit, and we began to think that this charming pup might need a new home. I contemplated this -- was I ready to have a brother? Was I willing to share my rawhide? I believe the answer was yes on both counts. "You will need a name," I told my new brother, whose language skills were not as developed as mine. "I think we will call you Caligula -- Cal, for short."

Well, to make a long story no longer than it needs to be, Cal did not become my permanent roommate. My parents found his caretakers later that evening, in a house not far from my own. But Cal, if you are reading this, know that you will always be my brother.

Travel blog updated

I have updated my travel blog with photos from my recent trip to Rome, and I invite you to take a break from your rigorous religious instruction and have a look. Click here to visit The Ayatollah's Travels.