I apologize for missing this weekend's services at the mosque. I trust that my protege did a fine job filling in for me while I was away. You see, I was busy going through millions of hours of phone records and taped conversations. You may have heard about this from the liberal, anti-pug news media, which have threatened our very freedom with their careless "reporting." The so-called privacy advocates would have you believe that I am somehow violating your civil liberties by listening in on your conversations. They say that I should not know the details of every phone call you have made over the last five years. But you must believe me when I tell you that I am only doing this for your safety. As we have learned time and time again, the enemies of Pug Life Ministries are many. This surveillance program is designed to stop those enemies, thereby defending your liberties.
Some would also try to tell you that my actions are unconstitutional. Clearly, these infidels have not bothered to read the Constitution. Let me assure you, it includes exceptions for those in positions of power. You need not worry about me listening in on your every phone conversation. I am a busy ayatollah, and I have millions upon millions of hours on tape. So it is imperative that I only fast-forward to the good parts.
By the way, I've noticed that a few of you forgot to call your mothers on Mother's Day.