Thursday, July 12, 2012

Mugsy returns, declares baby a success

Greetings, my flock. I have returned from my six-month pugternity leave, ready to once again take a more active role in ministry business. God willing, this will mean an improvement upon my one-post-per-full-moon pace of recent months.

Celie's record during
her first six months
was not entirely spotless.
When my human sister the Ayatollahbaby was born, I knew that it was vital for me to become a steadying influence in her life. If her upbringing were left in the hands of our parents, she would surely suffer. As you may recall, I endured a rough puppyhood on the mean streets of Dallas, falling in with the wrong crowd and plunging into the depths of addiction. It was only through the uplifting influence of Allah that I was able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and become the pug, the myth, the legend that you all love, revere and -- deep down -- somewhat fear today. I am pleased to report that Celie is on the right path, even if she occasionally rolls off of it and cries until she's righted, fed, put to bed or tossed in her whale tub. She is a charming, good-natured, riotously funny child who, aside from the occasional fur tug and one isolated incident in which she mistook my tail for a bottle, has learned to respect her elders. 

So I am now ready to retake the reins of running the ministry full-time. My brother, Wendell, has performed ably in my absence, sparking only a handful of easily won border skirmishes and displaying just enough erratic behavior to keep the United Nations on its toes. If anything, our ability to influence global oil prices has only increased under Wendell's stewardship, a true badge of honor for any self-respecting ayatollah.

Now, you may be wondering, "Isn't a six-month fully paid leave to spend time with a newborn rather generous?" And the answer, of course, is yes. Pug Life Ministries is renowned for its generous benefits, especially among the executive ranks. I have a $420-a-month cellphone allowance, and I can't even hear anything. In these troubled times, it has been necessary to make some minor, targeted, sensible cutbacks to ensure that these important benefits continue. Thus the discontinuation this year of our contraception and spaying coverage, as well as other changes to allow ministry employees to better take control of their own health and welfare and reduce unnecessary expenses. But I digress ...

During my leave, I was not only tutoring young Cecelia. Babies, as it turns out, take a lot of naps. So in addition to serving as the Mr. Miyagi to her Daniel-san, I took advantage of her sleep time to begin work on a special project. Expect an announcement soon with further details. 


LemonySarah F. Owens said...

So glad you're back. Praise Allah!

LemonySarah F. Owens said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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