Valentine's Day is fast approaching, my flock. This is always a stressful time for me, with so many of my harem mates angling for my affections. But this year, it is doubly stressful. In addition to the pressures of this pagan holiday, I am facing an impending nomination deadline for the Nobel Peace Prize. This will be my fourth straight year to enter, and this time, God willing, I intend to win. But I cannot do it without your help.
I have come to the conclusion that the missing piece in my application is an impartial accounting of my greatness. Certainly, I try to paint a picture for the judges, in my own modest way. But I suspect that they do not understand the depths of devotion my teachings inspire. They have not heard from the heathens I saved, the lepers I healed. So I invite you, dear readers, to augment my Nobel Prize application with your own testimonial, in the form of a romantic Valentine's Day haiku.
A source tells me that this is how Al Gore won the most recent prize, and its accompanying cash award. But I am not requiring anyone to take part. You will not be excommunicated if you choose not to document your love for me and the ministry. But those who take part will be entered in a contest for a fabulous prize from the ministry's gift shop.
To enter, send your Valentine's Day haiku to firstname.lastname@example.org or send me a message on my MySpace page or my new Facebook page. Please put "haiku" in the subject line. The deadline to enter is 10 a.m. Thursday.
If I receive a sufficient number of entries, I will post photos of the Valentine's Day party I attended over the weekend in which young Wendell competed in a slobber-filled contest for the title of best kisser.