Sunday, September 16, 2007

Time for a timeshare

While poring over mother's phone records this afternoon, I received a call from my good friend Rabbi Jake. Jake is always on the lookout for innovative business practices that might benefit the ministry, and he came across a rather interesting strategy. It seems that a synagogue in Florida has begun a so-called torah timeshare. For a one-time donation of $1,800, congregants can host the sacred text in their homes for one week a year. Rabbi Jake was understandably excited about the possibilities. And let me tell you, my flock, Jake doesn't get excited about much these days. After our conversation ended, I began to ponder ways to translate this timeshare tactic to my own congregation. At first, I considered offering up a prized piece of rawhide. But there are some items for which no price tag will suffice; I simply cannot go without my rawhide. Then my thoughts turned to another item -- an artifact of great significance to the ministry.

As you may recall, I have reached many an epiphany while suckling my monkey toe. The foot of the stuffed primate sent my mind into a calm, zenlike state of pure concentration. The idea of the ministry's recent telethon, for example, was hatched during one of my marathon toe-nursing sessions. Unfortunately, the foot was not built to offer unlimited inspiration. Last week, during a particularly vigorous meditative session, the foot came clean off. And since my parents won't let me have access to so small an artifact anyway -- a choking hazard, they call it -- it seems like the perfect offering for the ministry's first timeshare program. So for the low, low price of $1,800 a week, you can welcome the sacred, saliva-caked monkey foot into your home. You can seat it next to you at the dinner table. You can place it beside your children as they do their homework. You can even put it in your pocket as a good-luck charm in that important job interview. Yes, my flock, this fuzzy foot, despite being severed from its onetime monkey owner, still possesses great power. Bring that power into your home today.

For inquiries, e-mail And remember, only 52 spots are available, so don't delay.


Pancho said...

Wow. You may be the smartest, most astute canine I've ever known.

And the suggestion of using the toe to gain favor in a job interview is nothing short of genius.

If one would use it for such a purpose, I'd also suggest a reminder to the interviewer.

"I'm the guy with the monkey toe." in bold, red Sharpee marker across the top of one's resume.

Nan and B.A.G.S. the pug -aka Aine said...

Sorry my husband... the harem can not afford this relic.

We will just have to be happy with our weekly timeshare of YOU.


Sarah O. said...

Ayatollah, your offer is a tempting one but, as much of the furniture for my new house has not arrived yet, I must pass.

A wonderful artifact did arrive at my humble abode today, however. My Obey the Pug poster arrived! I must frame it and hang it in a place of honor.

Oh, yes, I already gave you the A+++++++ Wonderful eBay-er yadda yadda yadda. It is richly deserved.

Oh, yes, I changed my photo to my Simpsonized self.

Anonymous said...

I would love to have the monkey toe, but are you sure that this is not one of the misplaced decimal things. Your followers are generally generous, but I am afraid we are not rich.
Wishing for a lucky lottery ticket,
An admirer

Ashley said...

nice name dude. How did yo pick that one? Ashley