A note from Rabbi Jake

Rabbi Jake has informed me that he has canceled tonight's planned screening of the Lethal Weapon series for the youths of his synagogue.

Odd encounter

I attended a social function last night, hobnobbing with other canine clerics into the wee hours of the morning. As I returned home, about a 40-minute drive, those familiar pangs of hunger took hold. "Driver," I barked. "Let's pick up some food." So we stopped at Krystal, the best place in Dallas-Fort Worth to get tiny halaal burgers and chili cheese pups at 2:45 in the morning. The line at the drive-through was at least five cars long, so I chatted with my dates as we awaited our turn to order.

Then we heard the car in front of us honking, for no apparent reason. The man in the pickup truck in front of that car had just finished ordering, and he did not appear pleased to have been honked at. He stuck his head out the window and began to yell at the woman driving the car behind him. She leaned out her window and hollered back, motioning for the man to get out of her way. He refused. "I'm blocking you!" he yelled. "Whatcha gonna do about it, huh?" Each was trying to outdo the other in terms of belligerence. I considered exiting my vehicle to mediate this dispute, but since a Nobel Peace Prize seemed unlikely, I decided to let things play out.

Eventually, the truck moved up, and the woman in the car ordered her food. After my driver had ordered our meal, we pulled around to the side of the eatery, where the man in the pickup truck was getting his food. Again, the woman honked at him. The spiky-haired truck driver opened his door and leaned out, and the following exchange took place:

"What?!"
"What is that in your hair?!"
"It's product! Lots of product!"
"Oh, yeah?!"
"Yeah! Why don't you come up here and touch it!"
"No way!"
"Yeah, get up here and touch my product!"

God help these humans.

Bella's relapse

For months, Bella the Chihuahua has been undergoing rehabilitation exercises to cure her of her criminal tendencies. Using the Ludovico technique, we were able to make great progress. Her natural inclination to bite and growl and bare her teeth gradually faded. The Chihuahua who had terrorized the Mexican countryside was becoming a lady. But then, tragedy struck. On a recent walk around the neighborhood, Bella was attacked by a stray canine. Physically, she is fine. But this attack let loose the demons that had been suppressed deep within her soul. Bella's retaliation was swift and harsh. Her angry, incessant yelp returned -- a warning to all within earshot. At this very moment, Bella is seated on her couch, her head literally spinning on its axis in a way that Allah never intended. Pray for the former Sister Bella -- and for that poor pit bull attacker who incurred her wrath.

The puggybank beckons

It appears that my intense lobbying of Texas Gov. Rick Perry is working. On Tuesday, he spoke of tearing down the barriers that limit faith-based organizations' access to public funds. Can I sign up for direct deposit?

My kind of politician

Although Pug Life Ministries is primarily a religious movement, we also have political aims. The quest for universal canine suffrage is a key goal of Pug Life, as is the establishment of an autonomous pug homeland in the American Southwest (Pugistan). So I am always on the lookout for political candidates worthy of the Pug Life seal of approval. Until recently, I have not found any. But I am now pleased to endorse Thomas Peterson for mayor of Anoka, Minn. Although I have not had the chance to ask him about his thoughts on enforcing canine Sharia law in Anoka, it is clear that his common-sense leadership style is just what the town needs. To quote his campaign Web site, "As a French Bulldog, I feel I am suitably qualified. I know how to sit, shake hands, and, in an emergency, play dead. Additionally, I promise that I won't roll over on any issue." Good luck, Mr. Peterson. May Allah smile upon your campaign.

Mugsy weighs in on stem cell research

As a leading social conservative and firebrand religious leader, I would like to commend President Bush for his veto of expanded funding for embryonic stem cell research. In a perfectly choreographed press conference Wednesday -- complete with crying babies to punctuate his every sentence about embryos -- Bush explained his compassionate conservative reasoning thusly: "In our zeal for new treatments and cures, America must never abandon our fundamental morals." Here, here, Mr. President. We must never forget that all life is precious. And although it would be nice if science could prevent my father from succumbing to the diabetes that took his grandfather's life last year or the Alzheimer's disease that now torments his grandmother, we must always remember just how precious life is. Besides, science is in many ways the enemy of theocracy. Though many scientists believe that embryonic stem cell research holds the key to curing dozens of diseases and improving untold millions of lives, we must balance that knowledge against our compassion for the embryos. And rather than use the cells from these embryos to further the dubious interests of science, we must respect their rights as citizens. We must ensure that these frozen embryos continue to be tossed into trash bins -- with dignity.

A good deal, for a good cause

Have you ever wanted a custom banner for your Web page or e-mails but didn't have the requisite skills to make one? For a minimum donation of $5, you can receive a nice banner and contribute to Pug Dog Encephalitis research. PDE is a deadly, incurable disease that sometimes strikes our pug brothers and sisters, usually in adolescence. Researchers at Texas A&M University are working to learn more about the disease and find a cure. To see some of the sample banners, click here. To donate and get your own custom banner, visit Pugs.com and scroll down to the headline that says, "Mini Signature Banners Raise Funds for PDE."

Food for thought

The young campers and I have been working on logic and critical thinking skills this morning. I began by placing biscuits in Kong Balls and giving them to the hungry youths. The two puppy campers displayed greater problem-solving skills than the human children in this test, cementing their spot at the head of the class. Now, the children are trying to determine what is wrong with the normally lovely Keira Knightley on this magazine cover that has been haunting me lately at store checkout aisles.

Wedding bells

On Thursday, I officiated a cyber-wedding for a couple of my canine friends. It was a beautiful ceremony. And because I agreed to do it before my refrigerator went kaput, I waived my usual fee. The following is a transcript of the ceremony:

We are gathered here today to join Zero the Boston Terrier and Gypsy Rose the Pug in holy matrimony.

Marriage is like a chew rope, my furry friends. You must both take part, or it will not work. A canine cannot play tug-of-war without a partner. So you must always be there for one another. Zero, your rawhide will be Gypsy Rose’s rawhide. And Gypsy Rose, your dog biscuits will be Zero’s dog biscuits.

Zero, do you accept Gypsy Rose as your eternal pugbride?

And Gypsy Rose, do you accept Zero as your ever-lasting terrier hubby?

Let no man tear asunder what the ayatollah has joined today. I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may lick the bride.

National emergency

You might want to sit down if you aren't already seated. I have some bad news to share. You see, my refrigerator is broken. Last night, I noticed that it was making odd noises. This morning, the kitchen floor was soaking wet. Everything in the freezer was melting or thawing. It would all have to be thrown away. "Leggo my Eggo, you cruel thawing grip!" I exclaimed with horror. But the waffles were gone, as was the glorious frozen chicken. The ice cream, too, was lost forever, leaving its milky residue on the hard tile floor. Naturally, I helped clean this up. In times of need, we must all pitch in -- even high-ranking ayatollahs.

Because of this national emergency, I have raised the Pug Life alert level to Red, or "really expensive." I don't even want to think about what effect this will have on my standoff with the International Atomic Energy Agency.

It's going swimmingly

The campers and I have just returned from our dog-paddling races. Because of the ungodly gasoline prices, I was forced to cancel our trip to Lake Lewisville. Instead, the children swam in the creek near my house. Aside from a minor incident with a snapping turtle, everything went well.

I have begun to see a change in the human campers. At first, they resisted my methods. I encountered much crying, many calls to go home. During our circular marathon yesterday, many of the children complained of dizziness and nausea. But I showed no sympathy. Like a drill sergeant, I demanded that they finish the 26-mile race. And now the campers are beginning to come around. Their defiance is being replaced by obedience, a desire to serve the canine race. This was all part of my plan. From the start, I knew that I had to break the youths down so that I could rebuild them in my image. God willing, we will produce the next generation of ayatollahs. Or, in the case of the human campers, the next generation of ayatollahs' servants.

Wakeup call

The bugle call broke the morning silence at 0500 hours, rousing the children from their fitful sleep. I scratched on the guest-room door intently until one of them opened it. "Stand up," I barked. "Stand up straight!" The children jumped off of the lone bed and recliner and out of the pair of large chests of drawers I had procured as barracks. I began my inspection, sniffing each child one-by-one. When I reached a young Minnesota boy, I didn't like what I smelled. "Biscuit!" I barked. He fumbled through his pockets frantically. "Ayatollah, I ... I don't have any," he stammered, droplets of sweat forming on his brow. I commanded the youth to get down on his hands and knees so I could look him in the eye. After glaring at his nervous features, I let loose with a pair of drenching sneezes, each punctuated by a booming snort. He reached up to wipe his face. "No," I barked. "Leave it there as a reminder. Let this serve as a reminder to all of you. To be good servants of the ayatollah, you must always have dog biscuits at the ready."

Happy campers

The children and puppies arrived at noon today for the first-ever Ayatollah Mugsy's Youth Indoctrination Camp. We have 36 human children and two puppies taking part. It was supposed to be 38 children, but ARF Supreme Commander Brody the Bulldog found some red flags in the background checks of a couple of the youths. It seems they have a history of tail-pulling and treat-teasing. Naturally, these two youths have been detained indefinitely for questioning. We cannot take any chances with troublemakers.

We just wrapped up our 10-mile hike under the scorching Texas sun. (I rode alongside the children barking orders from my air-conditioned car.) Now, the youths are taking a three-hour multiple-choice exam that I prepared for them. Those who do not pass will be sent home with no refund. For proper indoctrination, the children must be physically and mentally fit. Perhaps I will post some sample questions later so that you can see how you would fare. I can already tell that this is going to be a great week of camp. Peace be upon you all.

Trouble brewing

Loyal Pug Lifer Chackler has alerted me to this shocking photo being displayed on Cute Overload. What were the humans thinking giving this pug puppy a beer? Alcohol is strictly forbidden under Islam. And as Chackler pointed out, that is doubly so for an inferior brew such as Beck's. It is written in the Quran: "The devil wants only to cast among you enmity and hatred by means of strong drink and games of chance and to turn you from remembering Allah and from prayer. Will you then desist." So if these humans want to raise their canine as a good Muslim pug, they must immediately stop serving this devilish brew.

In addition to endangering their puppy's soul, these humans are contributing to the immense problem of underage canine drinking. It is a serious issue in this country, and such glamorization of this lifestyle only serves to make matters worse. Sure, the pug may look cute now. But just wait until he grows up to be a raging alcoholic.

Spending priorities

It appears as if the astronauts’ primary focus on their latest mission is to inspect their shuttle for catastrophic damage sustained on liftoff. And given that the outer skin of the space shuttle is more delicate than fine china, I cannot blame them. But it seems to me that the shuttle's time has passed. Surely there are better ways for the taxpayers to spend their borrowed money. Might I suggest some additional spending on faith-based initiatives -- Pug Life Ministries could always use a few extra dollars, for example. The first-ever Ayatollah Mugsy's Youth Indoctrination Camp begins this weekend, and it would be nice if we could afford to feed some of the children. Mr. Treasury Secretary, the PayPal virtual offering plate is to your right.

America's hopes slip away

Japan's Kobayashi pulls away to win it, 53 and three-fourths to 52. The contestants are now hunched over, their mouths stuffed full of hot dogs. American Joey Chestnut's upset bid just came up short. I have witnessed perhaps the greatest sporting event ever. But once Kobayashi's apparent steroid use comes to light, it is sure to be seen as a tainted win. I urge Nathan's to allow canines to enter next year's contest; then the world will see some real eating.

The Barry Bonds of hot dog eating

I am watching the most exciting 12 minutes in sports: The Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Takeru Kobayashi, the five-time defending champion, is seen by many as the greatest athlete of his generation. But after seeing a photo of him now next to a photo of him after his first win, it is clear that he is on steroids. He started as a tiny 110-pound man; now he looks like this. This is a huge scandal in the making. We have a possible upset brewing, with somebody named Chestnut leading the defending champion by two hot dogs. Impressive, yes, but I could do better.

Let's celebrate our independence

No, friends, it is not yet time to celebrate Pugistan's independence. But we are only a day away from the 230th birthday of the United States of America (the Great Satan, in ayatollahspeak). And that, my disciples, is reason enough to celebrate ... for now. I wish you all a happy Fourth of July, and I urge you all to be safe and responsible -- under no circumstances is it acceptable to burn down the Ayatollah Compound with stray fireworks. And though we should all enjoy this holiday, we must also remain ultra-vigilant. The scourge of flag-burning is a very real threat. As you can see from the recent attention given the matter in Congress, flag-burning is one of the two or three biggest threats facing this great nation. So be on the lookout for any flag-burning malcontents. And if you see one, tell him Ayatollah Mugsy says to cut it out.

Human's bravery honored

I hereby bestow a Pug Life Medal of Valor on Brent Carey, a South Carolina man who jumped on the back of a 10-foot alligator that was dragging his girlfriend's dog into a lake. His heroism paid off, as the canine was released and ran to shore. Carey received minor injuries in the struggle, and the gator was later shot and killed by state officials. "They informed me that I should not jump on the back of alligators," Carey said.

Don't listen to them, Brent. You did the right thing.