On Thursday, I officiated a cyber-wedding for a couple of my canine friends. It was a beautiful ceremony. And because I agreed to do it before my refrigerator went kaput, I waived my usual fee. The following is a transcript of the ceremony:
We are gathered here today to join Zero the Boston Terrier and Gypsy Rose the Pug in holy matrimony.
Marriage is like a chew rope, my furry friends. You must both take part, or it will not work. A canine cannot play tug-of-war without a partner. So you must always be there for one another. Zero, your rawhide will be Gypsy Rose’s rawhide. And Gypsy Rose, your dog biscuits will be Zero’s dog biscuits.
Zero, do you accept Gypsy Rose as your eternal pugbride?
And Gypsy Rose, do you accept Zero as your ever-lasting terrier hubby?
Let no man tear asunder what the ayatollah has joined today. I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may lick the bride.