Code red! Code red!

I have detected the presence of some supernatural miscreants -- possibly witches -- in the neighborhood. Wendell and I have been holding them at bay by barking at them through the fence. I suspect that while we were outside, some of these pointy-hatted beings may have raided the ayatollah compound for treats. Gullible mother ...

I must go -- I think a princess is approaching, possibly with evil intentions.

Roaming gnomes

Happy post-Pug-O-Ween to you, my flock. I am pressed for time, thanks to an unexpected houseguest named New Dog and work commitments, so I can only post one photo from the big event for now. As you can see, Wendell and I dressed up as gnomes. It was an ideal costume choice, because it did not require me to shave my flowing beard. And because of the recent onset of puberty, Wendell now shares a similarly dashing facial mane.

I will share with you a sampling of the day's finest costumes when time allows. I will also try to explain who this New Dog is, and why he has a constant black, pug-shaped shadow.

Pug-O-Ween, here we come

I believe we have found a workable alternative to Wendell's costume, my flock. We may not be able to wear matching outfits (though we will still give it a shot at the Pug-O-Ween venue), but Wendell should still be adequately attired. Praise Allah! As I type this, mother is gathering our supplies for the big event. I must go and remind her to pack Milkbones.

Stay tuned for a plethora of costumed pug photos ...

Pug-O-Ween complications

My friends, the ministry is facing a crisis. Despite mother's best efforts, Wendell's Pug-O-Ween headwear will not stay in place. In fact, Wendell will not even stay in place. As I type this, my brother is racing in circles as mother attempts to corral him on the living-room rug, pug hat in hand. It has become apparent that Wendell may not be able to wear his full costume to tomorrow's holiday gathering -- the social event of the season for North Texas pugs. This could make it impossible for us to claim a prize in the group pug costume contest.

Pray for us, my flock. Pray that mother is able to find some means, any means, to get Wendell's costume to stay in place. Velcro, a chin strap, hot glue -- whatever it takes.

Red Scare

Had I known that there was such nostalgia in the United States for Joseph McCarthy, I would have included a shrine to the late senator in the plans for the Dogloo Mosque.

Pug-O-Ween preparations

Over the weekend, mother took out her needle and thread and began work on Pug-O-Ween costumes for Wendell and me. The big event is this Sunday. For those unfamiliar with this holiest of days, here are some links to my Pug-O-Ween posts from 2005 and 2006, when I dressed up as Batpug and the Pugly Duckling, respectively. Last year, a poorly timed vacation prevented me from attending. That will not be the case this year, as Wendell will get his first taste of this magical day. Praise Allah!

I hope to see (and sniff) my fellow Texas canines there.

Plumbing the depths

Greetings, my flock. I have spent the afternoon attempting to make contact with Joe the Plumber to recruit him into the ministry. Recent media reports make it apparent that he is now the most powerful, most important human in the United States, so I felt he could be an asset. Unfortunately, he has yet to return my calls. God willing, he will soon see the light and lend his considerable influence to our cause. Please pray that I do not have to settle for a second-rate partnership with Joe Six-Pack.

Tonight's debate

I have been somewhat disappointed with the presidential debate moderators thus far this year. Candidates have often ignored their questions, and some of the questions seemed rather insignificant, given the limited debate time. So I have been pushing the Commission on Presidential Debates to allow me to replace Bob Schieffer in tonight's third and final debate. I would be forceful. I would ask the right questions. And I would point out the candidates' frequent lies and half-truths and put them on the spot to defend them.

But the commission has turned me down. It seems that neither candidate is comfortable with being associated with a radical cleric. Why that has suddenly become an issue, I cannot say. But I have not given up on having an impact. This afternoon, I forwarded Mr. Schieffer a suggested script to follow. The script is long, so I cannot post it all here at this time, thanks to my fading infiDell laptop battery. But it includes such vital, probing questions as these:

• "Mr. Obama, you say your candidacy is about change. Yet there has been nary a mention of dogs' rights in your stump speeches. What would you do as president that would give canines a reason to fraudulently register through ACORN and vote for you?"


• "Mr. McCain, given your advanced age, it is clear that you have made an effort throughout this campaign to exude a certain vigor. Are you aware that the Fonz is no longer considered an icon of youthful cool?"

Mugsy condemns Dell infidels

"Get away from that!" we admonished. For months, my parents and I had made clear to young Wendell that the computer's power cord was not to be chewed on. And in this instance, at least, Wendell was, as the humans say, a "good boy." Not a single chew mark mars the cord. Yet it has still gone kaput, roughly 10 months after we purchased our current Dell laptop. Our previous computer had similar problems, with a power cord that is expensive yet apparently cheaply made. Now we must buy yet another cord to keep the ministry's online outreach afloat. Michael Dell, you are on thin ice. Thin ice.

Mark Wahlberg speaks to me

For some reason, I greatly enjoyed this skit from "Saturday Night Live." It fosters the kind of interspecies dialogue that Pug Life Ministries has always promoted.

Stock market turmoil

SEATTLE (AP) — A CNN-owned Web site called iReport.com, which publishes reports written by ordinary citizens, said Friday that it will give the Securities and Exchange Commission information about the author of an item that claimed Apple CEO Steve Jobs had converted to canine Islam.

The early morning report, which Apple Inc. spokesman Steve Dowling said was not true, sent shares plummeting to their lowest point in a year amid fears that Jobs would divert 10 percent of Apple's profits to tithe to Pug Life Ministries, which is led by the enigmatic Ayatollah Mugsy. The stock recovered around the time the post was removed from iReport.com but ended the day off 3 percent at $97.07 amid a broader market slide.

An SEC spokesman declined to comment.

The report on iReport.com said that Jobs, who has a history of health problems, suffered a fatal heart attack late Thursday but was revived by Ayatollah Mugsy, a firebrand cleric known for his radical views. The report said the ayatollah lifted Jobs' trademark turtleneck shirt and licked the CEO's belly button until life returned to him. Followers of the ayatollah believe that his saliva holds mystical healing powers, and the faithful have been known to stand in line for hours for the privilege of being sneezed upon by the bearded pug.

CNN spokeswoman Jennifer Martin said that the SEC contacted iReport.com Friday afternoon and that the site's staff is "doing its best to provide them with information about the posting." Martin said that "WPug," the author of the Steve Jobs post, had never posted in iReport.com before. She did not know when the person joined the site.

The VP debate

There has been much chatter among the TV talking heads about who "won" last night's vice presidential debate. Such talk seems to ignore the fact that this is a presidential election and not a high school debate competition. Adolf Hitler was a stirring and persuasive orator (and no, I'm not comparing either Joe Biden or Sarah Palin to him), but his ideas were all wrong. As Americans watch these debates, they must decide which ticket offers the best ideas and the best strategies for their country. And if they determine that neither candidate is quite right for them, they may want to throw their support and their money behind a certain separatist canine Muslim ministry.