The clamoring has grown too great. "Mugsy," they say, "what events have shaped you into the lion of a pug that you are today? What can I do to reach such lofty heights as you?" On the latter question, I must urge you to be realistic. I lead the largest interfaith, interspecies ministry on the planet. I command respect on all seven continents. In the immortal words of MC Hammer, "You can't touch this." But I can understand why you'd want to know where I came from. It is only natural for humans to want to know the story behind their heroes; it gives them a feeling that they've connected, even if ever so slightly, with greatness. And so I will share my story with you.
It was April 3, 2001. I was born to an unwed, unemployed mother. The smallest pug in my litter, I never knew my father -- he split before I was born. Momma did her best to try and raise us by herself, but the welfare checks weren't enough. She knew that the only way to provide us with any hope for a good life was to put us up for adoption. I still remember the day that the young human couple came to take me away. Gone was my life in the idyllic rural community of Wylie, Texas. My adoptive parents took me to a small, ramshackle apartment in the heart of the big-city ghetto. Before long, I was roaming the mean streets of Dallas, looking for trouble. I hooked up with Mara Salvatrucha, a vicious Latino gang commonly referred to as MS-13. I would often serve as a lookout, barking loudly to warn my older associates that the police were approaching. I developed a reputation at a very early age as someone you did not want to mess with -- someone whose bite was every bit as bad as his bark. Fighting became an everyday occurrence for me. I remember my earliest nemesis, Nelson Mandillo, who eventually found himself chewed up and left in a Dumpster outside my apartment. MS-13 was heavy into the rawhide trade, and I quickly worked my way up the ladder. I was leading the baddest crew in town, and we felt invincible. Even the police were afraid of us. I was making big money, driving fancy cars, wearing shiny collars. All the women wanted me. All the men wanted to be me. I felt like I was on top of the world. But little did I know that things were about to change.
To be continued
I am happy to share with you some interior views of the Dogloo Cathedral, courtesy of my good friend Pope Pius Pug. Our plans for the Dogloo compound are nearly complete. The only task that remains is to raise the money. With your generosity, we will make this a reality, God willing.
Enemies of Pug Life, consider this a warning. You may see the ministry's recent legal troubles as a moment of weakness, as a chance to tear down the religious empire that I have painstakingly assembled. You may believe that because of my affable, easygoing nature, I am a ripe target. If you believe this, you are dead wrong. It is true that I am a peace-loving dog of God. But when I am pushed, I will fight back. Take, for example, Blue Bull. Once a loyal friend, Blue Bull betrayed me. Even worse, he betrayed Pug Life. I caught Blue Bull conspiring against the ministry, trying to sabotage our plans for the Dogloo Mosque. When I confronted Blue Bull, he physically attacked me and taunted me with his squeaking. Look at Blue Bull now, his cotton innards bulging from his severed torso. His limp body suspended from a banana hook. Don't let Blue Bull's fate befall you.
I am back from Las Vegas, and I'm sorry to report that my fundraising efforts were not as successful as I'd hoped. In fact, the ministry's general fund is now nearly empty. I thought that my weekend investment strategy, diversified across several games -- slot machines, blackjack, roulette, video poker, etc. -- would be successful. Astoundingly, the prudent investments did not pay off. But I have no fear; for I believe that the faithful Pug Life followers will come through in this time of need. I am also in the early stages of talks with a certain casino company on a deal that may prove to be a boon to Pug Life Ministries. It is too early for you to get your hopes up (or to stop sending donations), but I will keep you posted on the progress of these negotiations and perhaps post an artist's rendering of my plans, which could forever alter the face of the Las Vegas Strip.
While fundraising at Caesar's Palace in the wee hours of Sunday morning, I was approached by a woman in a white dress. She asked whether I was having any luck and introduced herself as Jasmine. After she shook my paw, she remarked on the softness of my head. "Do you mind if I touch it?" she asked. "Be my guest," I replied. She then began to pet me. "It's soooo soft," she said. "What kind of shampoo do you use?" I explained to her that I do not bathe myself and therefore was not sure of the brand name but that I thought it was a purple shampoo with a picture of a cocker spaniel on the bottle. Jasmine left soon thereafter, as I paid more attention to my video-poker fundraising than to her. I must confess that I was not sure if she was a star-crossed admirer of mine or a common harlot, though I lean toward the latter. But Jasmine, if you're reading, the shampoo is Hartz Groomer's Best Puppy Shampoo. The extra gentle, tearless formula. Perhaps, God willing, it can soften up your greasy mane.
I'm leaving today for Las Vegas, that glittering desert den of sin. I'll be the keynote speaker at a convention of canine imams, and I hope to raise funds for Pug Life's legal defense fund. I'll be investing this week's mosque offerings in all manner of slot machines and table games in an effort to boost our coffers. Hopefully the bouncers won't give me any trouble -- I am over 21 in dog years, after all. I hear that many of the casinos have all-you-can-eat buffets, with dozens of varieties of rawhide, Snausages, Milkbones, potatoes, etc. Does it surprise you that I enjoy a good potato? If you have a dog, you should give it a nice uncooked, unpeeled potato. The bigger the better. The starchy fruit of the earth is truly a blessing from Allah that your dog will appreciate.
For too long, they have walked among us with impunity. This scourge upon planet Earth, this deceitful, wicked class of man. They have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa! From this day forward, auto mechanics shall be a legitimate target for stoning. It is the duty of all faithful Pug Life followers to take up rocks and pelt these despicable tradesmen. No longer will they be allowed to hold our vehicles hostage. No longer will they try to charge over $2,200 for a rebuilt transmission. Fling stones, rocks, even boulders upon these evildoers. Some of you may be uncomfortable accepting the fatwa of a firebrand Muslim cleric such as myself. Some of you Christians may think this does not apply to you. So let me paraphrase the Bible to assuage your concerns: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. But then let the sinners quickly join in and rain down rocks.
I apologize for the dearth of posts since last week's FBI raid, but as I'm sure you can understand, I have been busy attending to legal matters. The fate of Pug Life Ministries hangs in the balance. My lawyer has advised me not to go into detail on the baseless allegations against Pug Life, but I can say that among the most serious charges are tax evasion, racketeering, rawhide smuggling and polygamy. These charges are, of course, preposterous. I have made no secret of my past indiscretions. In fact, it was in the pound that I found Allah. But I have turned my life around. I am no longer the gang-banging, panty-raiding, gangsta-rapping pug of my puppyhood -- despite what the FBI, IRS and ATF would have you believe. I intend to fight these charges, and, God willing, I will win. Pug Life Ministries will emerge from these travails stronger and wealthier than ever.
A London Web designer has set up a site, www.werenotafraid.com, in response to the cowardly attacks on the city's transit system. According to the site: "Werenotafraid.com exists to give people a voice online to tell the world that they are not afraid, intimidated or cowed by the cowardly act of terrorism. Terrorism will not be effective against the British people, and it won’t be effective anywhere else." People from all over the world have sent in photos, many of them with Photoshopped messages to the terrorist thugs. Although I'm generally opposed to digitally altering images, I like the site's message.
Pug Life disciples, I have just received word that the FBI is raiding our ministry's offices as we speak. I will not go into detail on the baseless charges leveled against us, but know that we will defeat the infidels who are trying to bring us down. Now, more than ever, the ministry needs your financial help. More to come ...
I have not been in any hurry to share my opinion on the Supreme Court vacancy. I wanted to absorb all of the Chicken Little-esque hand-wringing of the left and the "yipppeees!" of the right before fully forming an opinion. A showdown over the high court opening created by Sandra Day O'Connor's resignation appears imminent, with abortion as the sole issue. I don't want to downplay the importance of abortion, but I believe that there are other important issues and that abortion should not be the singular deciding factor. The high court recently made a key ruling allowing the government to seize your doghouse on a whim, not for public uses, but for private development. Two reporters may be sent to jail for doing their jobs. The Supreme Court is expected to rule this fall on the future of doctor-assisted-suicide laws. Despite the many important issues that could potentially come before the Supreme Court, the Democrats and Republicans appear to be zeroed in on one issue: abortion. With Allah as my witness, I propose that President Bush nominate a man who will force lawmakers to look beyond the abortion issue. A man who will shatter racial barriers on the court. A man who has experience working in the limelight. I'm not saying that this nomination would be without controversy or debate. But I guarantee that with this man's nomination, abortion will cease to be the lone issue in deciding who will sit on the high court. Who is this man who can ultimately unite us all? The honorable Judge Lance Ito, our first Japanese-American Supreme Court justice.
Sister Bella, a nun in the Catholic wing of Pug Life Ministries, has asked me to spread the word about her latest charity drive. Sister Bella's Children's Charities is collecting Snausages and Milkbone biscuits for the underprivileged puppies and human children of the congregation. Donations will be accepted at Sunday services for the next three weeks. The need for donations is especially urgent this year, as the Catholic wing's coffers have been depleted by recent legal settlements.
I just watched R. Kelly's half-hour "Trapped in the Closet" video. Wow. He is truly a lyrical genius. President Bush, I implore you, please make R. Kelly the nation's poet laureate.
It's Independence Day, a time to watch fireworks and marvel at a small Asian man who can scarf down 49 hot dogs in 12 minutes. If the contest were not limited to human contestants, I would surely give Kobayashi a run for his money (as those who have seen me eat would attest). Oh yes, I almost forgot. Today also marks the 229th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
Here it is: Phase One of the Dogloo compound. In the foreground is the awe-inspiring 260,000-square-foot Dogloo Mosque. The other engineering masterpiece is the Dogloo Cathedral. More Dogloos will eventually be added. Why did we choose the Dogloo shape? Because it is, quite simply, the pinnacle of canine architecture -- a fusion of ancient Inuit ingenuity and modern plastics. And we won't stop at exterior beauty. Inside, the Dogloo Mosque will make the Sistine Chapel look like a "Trading Spaces" reject. These marvels of pug culture will be a source of veneration for millennia to come.
Congratulations are in order for loyal Pug Life follower Sam, who has earned his third straight title in the World's Ugliest Dog Contest. (The faint of heart and those afraid of rodents should not click here.)
I had lunch today with my good friend Pope Pius Pug. Now, it may seem odd to you that a firebrand Muslim cleric like myself would befriend the leader of the Catholic Church. But the pope and I are actually partners in Pug Life Ministries. You see, one of the keys to running a successful business, er, church, is diversification. So Pug Life strives to be an interspecies, interdenominational ministry. Catholics, Protestants, Buddhists, Zoroastrians, Jews -- there's room in Pug Life Ministries for all of the infidels. Now, more about that lunch. Pug Life Ministries has grown by leaps and bounds, so much so that we've outgrown our current home, in my caretakers' living room. That's where you come in. With your help, god willing, we will be able to construct the mother of all religious compounds. Better even than David Koresh's swingin' Waco pad (pre-fire). Perhaps if you are as generous as you should be, we will be able to afford a sweet ride like Mr. Koresh's '68 Camaro to serve as my personal vehicle, befitting my status as supreme ayatollah of Pug Life. Allah would surely weep if you did not come through in the ministry's time of financial need. This is what the pope and I discussed today: Ways to make our dream of the Pug Life Dogloo compound a reality. Dogloo compound; sounds intriguing, doesn't it? I will be back soon with details on our monumental plans -- and information on how you can help.
