U.N. condemns pug nuclear test

UNITED NATIONS (AP) -- The U.N. Security Council unanimously condemned Pugistan's first nuclear test on Saturday as a clear violation of a 2006 resolution aimed at curbing the canine nation's atomic program.

The statement emerging from the 15-member council's emergency meeting in New York came after President Obama urged the international community to "stand up to" the shadowy Pugistani leader, Ayatollah Mugsy, and demanded that he abandon Pug Life Ministries' nuclear program. 

Experts with the International Atomic Energy Agency said the fuel for the bomb probably came from spent fuel rods used in the ministry's controversial rawhide-enrichment program, which has drawn widespread international condemnation in recent years. Pug Life Ministries first clashed with the IAEA in late 2005, when the ministry allegedly abducted three nuclear inspectors and had them cryogenically frozen. The inspectors' whereabouts remain a mystery.

The latest underground nuclear blast took place early Saturday and was believed to be centered beneath the back yard of the ayatollah's suburban Dallas compound. Officials with Ayatollah Mugsy's ministry, which controls Pugistan's theocratic government, denied that the test violated any laws. 

"We called the city hotline and had all underground power and sewage lines clearly marked with colored flags before digging commenced," said one spokesdog, who asked to remain anonymous. "And there is no municipal law against subterranean nuclear testing -- we checked."

The Pugistani separatists are not members of the United Nations and therefore do not recognize the international body's authority. 

Though no neighbors would speak out publicly against the nuclear test, some privately vowed to bring the matter up at the next meeting of the Hillcrest Estates Homeowners' Association. 

Awkward moments

Greetings, my flock. I apologize for my absence in recent days. I have been preoccupied with the offerings at AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com and, thus, unable to blog. 

Now that I have waded through the entire photo album, my normal teaching schedule should resume. Although some of the site's photos leave much to be desired, it does have several gems, among them the well-coiffed Bon family, Mommy-the-Pooh, and the unfortunate case of The Dribbler.

The road show hits Atlanta

Tonight's sermon comes to you live from Atlanta, or as young Wendell calls it, "Hotlanta." Our revival road show arrived in the Georgia capital this afternoon after leaving Topsail Island before sunrise, and we are now resting at a downtown hotel. Along the way, we met with a powerful man named Pedro, who has established a massive retail, motel and entertainment complex near the South Carolina-North Carolina border. It is all quite tastefully decorated; I delivered a sermon from the top of South of the Border's 165-foot-tall sombrero tower.

After a few more brief roadside appearances in South Carolina and Georgia, we reached Atlanta and went to the World of Coca-Coca attraction, just down the street from our hotel. We had the misfortune of arriving at the same time as a gaggle of rambunctious schoolchildren. As our tour began, we were herded into one room after another with the rowdy students, unable to break away. A woman led the children in exercises of Coke-fueled groupthink. "Are we thirsty?" she'd ask. "Yes!" the children would answer. "What's our favorite drink?" she'd yell. "Coca-Cola!" the youths would say. It was horrifying, seeing the Stepford children so mindlessly pledge their allegiance to a soft drink. I was, frankly, a bit disturbed that this was the setting for a school field trip. I was also disappointed in myself for not coming up with a similar indoctrination tool for Pug Life Ministries.

After tasting most of the 64 flavors of international Coca-Cola products (the Zimbabwean Sparberry was a favorite), my entourage moved next door to the wonderful Georgia Aquarium. I highly recommend it for anyone interested in aquatic creatures, although you should be advised that the facility's regulations expressly prohibit anyone from bringing a fishing pole onto the premises. Mother was most disappointed. Before leaving, I liberated an electric eel from his tank, and the ministry is now working to weaponize it. Purely for defensive purposes, of course.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go drink a Coca-Cola.

Vacation update

Assalamu alaikum, my flock. It has been a busy week. In the last three days, I have gone mountain biking in Virginia, cave-sniffing in Tennessee and canoeing in North Carolina. I also ministered to a beaver, several groundhogs and a pair of deer, and I lectured a bloodthirsty tick on the error of his lifestyle choices. "Take one more step toward me, infidel, and you will fall victim to my Revolution!" I barked. I urged him to change his parasitic ways, embrace a halaal diet and attend regular services at the Dogloo mosque. God willing, he will see the light and repent.

In addition to these adventures, I was a witness to much workplace intrigue at the excellent Shatley Springs family-style dining establishment. As my dinner party chowed down on limitless portions of fried chicken and other fine foods last night, we overheard the waitress at the neighboring table complain to her customers about a thief who had been stealing her tips. "I think it's one of the co-workers," she said, in a heavy Southern drawl. "You know, you think you know somebody, and then they go and do something like that!"

Later, our waitress, speaking in a similarly heavy Southern drawl, seemed oddly interested in the neighboring table's affairs. "Did they not leave her a tip?" she asked incredulously, craning her neck. "The last three customers stiffed her. I can't imagine doing that!" We informed her that the customers had tipped the waitress directly rather than leave any money on the table. A look of disappointment flashed on her face. I suspect that she may have to wait a few more days to buy that new pair of shoes.

Greetings from Asheville

Greetings, my flock. I am writing to you from my mountaintop chateau in Asheville, N.C., where I have focused the efforts of the ministry's Traveling Islamic Revival Roadshow and Circus in recent days. The area was chosen for its natural beauty, vibrant downtown and high density of mountain folk. Watching television recently, I learned that hillbillies may have a great deal of money to contribute to the ministry, as well as something called "Texas tea." I am never one to turn down money in my offering plate or liquid in my water bowl, so this intrigued me.

Today, the ministry's caravan will move north along the Blue Ridge Parkway. God willing, we will find many converts and Jed Clampett-like benefactors.

Nashville star

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- After a series of rallies marred by torrential rain and the H1N1 flu virus, Ayatollah Mugsy made a triumphant appearance in Nashville on Sunday as part of his Traveling Islamic Revival Roadshow and Circus.

The religious leader, a pug, barked a nine-hour speech from the steps of the city's full-size Parthenon replica, as rabid followers hung on his every word.

With cotton candy vendors and fire eaters roaming the grounds, the controversial cleric called on the U.S. Congress to pass the so-called "Rawhide Stimulus" bill that has been languishing on Capitol Hill since January. Ayatollah Mugsy also renewed his call for canines to secede from the United States and form a nation he dubbed Pugistan. The secessionist talk drew some of the biggest applause of the night, and Fox News commentator Glen Beck led the crowd in a chant of "Secede from the USA now!" Beck later dubbed the ayatollah "a great American patriot."

Following the ayatollah's marathon speech and his ritualized counting of the offering plate funds and shaming of the nongivers, Mugsy turned the stage over to his brother Wendell. The younger pug was joined by Cowboy Troy and Dolly Parton as he howled a series of country music tunes, ending with a raucous version of "Stand by Your Teddy Bear."

Walking in Memphis

MEMPHIS, Tenn. (AP) -- Federal health officials on Saturday broke up a rally organized by the shadowy group Pug Life Ministries near the late Elvis Presley's Graceland mansion.

Officials say the trouble began when two swine flu sufferers approached the ministry's leader, Ayatollah Mugsy, asking for a cure. The ayatollah is purported to have mystical healing powers, which are transferred through his saliva to a patient's belly button.

As the ayatollah approached the swine flu patients, he was tethered by a leash to his apparent human master, a man dressed in a hazmat suit with a surgical-grade respirator. But before the ayatollah could perform the laying-on-of-tongues ritual, officials with the Centers for Disease Control and Protection swooped in and quarantined the site.

"We now have thousands of people who have been exposed to the swine flu," said one federal health official, on the condition of anonymity. "This is disastrous."

The World Health Organization was less subtle in its response to the incident, issuing a statement that read: "The time to panic is upon us."

Officials with Pug Life Ministries declined to comment. But the Islamic Elvii, a radical Memphis offshoot of the ministry that combines the ayatollah's brand of canine Islam with rhinestone-encrusted jumpsuits, issued a statement downplaying any talk of a worsening pandemic.

"That's all right, mama," said one Elvii official, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

Mugsy's on the move

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (AP) -- Hundreds of pilgrims descended upon a makeshift mosque set up in a field off Interstate 40 early Saturday to welcome Ayatollah Mugsy, the mysterious leader of Pug Life Ministries.

After waiting in line for several hours, many of the pilgrims said they were disappointed that the mercurial cleric only made a 20-second appearance.

"It was raining, and the ayatollah doesn't like baths," said a source with the ministry who asked to remain anonymous. "Plus, he had to get to Graceland before closing time."

In defense of the pigs

I stand in solidarity with my curly-tailed, snorting pig brothers and sisters. If not for a misplaced vowel, they would be pugs.